Effortless (Thoughtless, #2)(34)

94


When he solemnly nodded, his gaze dropping to our feet, I looked around at where we were—outside, alone. A second wave of understanding hit me. Cupping his cheek, I brought his gaze back up to mine.

“Did you tell me this out here because you thought I would break down?”

Nodding, he whispered, “I remember that night that Denny told you he was leaving. I remember holding you while you cried…for him. I saw you when his plane left. You were devastated, like a part of you had left with him. I don’t want to hurt you like that, Kiera.” His eyes saddened as he looked over mine…over my completely dry ones. Kissing him softly, I rested my forehead against his. “Are you upset that I’m…not more upset. Was this a test?” Sighing, he shook his head. “I wouldn’t test you, Kiera, but I did think you’d…at least cry, maybe beg a little.”

He tried to turn away again, but I held him in front of me. “I will.

Trust me, when you actually leave, I will be a blubbering wreck. But I meant what I said, Kellan. I’ve grown. A lot has happened since Denny left me that first time. I’ve done some maturing.” Remembering how I was back then, I shook my head. “I was so scared to be alone.” I shrugged my shoulder as he watched me. “I still don’t like it, but I’m more secure now, I think. Mistakes in the past have aged me some.” He cracked a small smile. “Ah, the wizened twenty-two year old.” My smile was a small one as well, but some of the earlier tension evaporated in it. “Kellan, you may have a lot more experience, but don’t act like you’re not the exact same age I am. I’ve seen your driver’s license.” Grinning crookedly, he raised an eyebrow. “The real one?” Shaking my head at him, I cupped both his cheeks. “Do you think I loved Denny more, because it bothered me so much when he first told me he was leaving?”

Shrugging, his smile turned sad. “Can you blame me for thinking that?”





95


Enfolding my arms around him, I laid my head on his shoulder. “No, I guess not.” We were silent a moment, rocking slightly as we held each other. I waited a moment longer, peace and a bit of sadness creeping into me. “I didn’t love him more than I love you, Kellan.” Pulling back, I met his eye. “I love you more. I love you enough to let you go and live your dream.” I tilted my head and shrugged. “Don’t you see…? I love you more.”

He smiled softly and I brushed some hair off of his forehead. Running the backs of my fingers down his cheek, I whispered, “And, yes, I will miss you, more than you could possibly imagine, but I know that you have to do this, Kellan. And you know it, too.” Stubbornly, he shook his head. “No, I know that I have to be with you. Everything else is just…details.”

I smiled and kissed him. Against his lips I murmured, “This isn’t just your dream though, remember.” Sighing, I pointed back to the bar, to the other people his decision involved. “There’s Evan and Griffin, and Matt…he’s worked so hard for this.”

He watched my fingers then sighed, “I know…” Lacing my arms around his neck, I tilted my head at him. “And that’s why you’ll do this. It’s their dream too, and you can’t take it away from them…for me, for us.”

Leaning his head against mine, he closed his eyes. “I know.” We rested against each other for an achingly long time, then Kellan pulled back. “I guess I should go tell Matt the good news,” he said, a little sullenly.

I nodded, biting my lip and fighting the tears starting to sting. I’d always suspected this would happen one day, just not necessarily today.

“When does the tour start?”

Looking down, he quietly said, “First part of November.” Now I looked down, too. “Oh.”





96


November. It was the end of September…that wasn’t all that far away, just around a month really. We were silent a moment longer, processing our impending separation, then Kellan grabbed my hand. Squeezing it as he placed a light kiss on my lips, he nodded over at the bar doors. I took a deep inhale and nodded back. A part of me didn’t want to go back through those doors. It felt like everything I knew would change once I stepped over the threshold. That was a ridiculous feeling of course—everything had already changed.

Pulling on my hand, Kellan led me through the doors. Curious bar patrons eyed us as we entered, maybe to see if I was red and splotchy…maybe to see if Kellan had a black eye. Since we both looked the same, although much more melancholy than before, they soon shifted back to their own conversations.

Sighing, Kellan led us back to his table. The guys were all still there, waiting for him, waiting for his answer. Since Kellan was the front man for the band, they pretty much couldn’t do anything without him. They could certainly try and replace him, head out on their own with another singer, but it wouldn’t be the same without Kellan’s talent. I couldn’t even picture the D-bags without their head D-bag. And I knew that most of the guys felt that way as well. Evan especially would rather hang it up than quit on Kellan. So they sat, and waited for him to tell them if their dream was a go or not.

Arms crossed over his chest, Griffin glared at me. I felt like Yoko walking up to their table, clutching my man’s hand. Matt watched me respectfully, but his face was full of disappointment; he wanted this so bad. Evan was the only one that looked a little lost, too. I knew he wanted the success—what rock star member wouldn’t want to hit it big—but his heart was anchored in Seattle. Jenny. He’d be torn from her just as surely as Kellan was being torn from me. He smiled sympathetically at me as I stepped to the edge of the threesome.