Effortless (Thoughtless, #2)(33)

“Oh my God, Kellan! That’s amazing!”

He sighed as I hugged him tight and I pulled back to look at him. He wouldn’t look at me and the brief joy I’d felt faded. Cupping his cheek, I stroked his skin with my thumb. “You’re not excited about this…” Feeling my heart leaden, I began to understand. “Because of me, right?” Meeting my gaze, he shrugged. “It’s a six month tour, Kiera…coast to coast.” I bit my lip. My eyes started stinging as I considered just what that meant for us. He’d be leaving, for quite a while.

Forcing a smile, even though I wanted to feel as melancholy as he did, I shook my head. “It’s okay. Six months isn’t so long. And you’d have breaks, right? I’d still get to see you?”

He nodded and looked down. “I don’t have to go, Kiera.” Looking back up at me, he shook his head. “I can tell the guys no.” My mouth dropped open as I realized what the band had been fighting about. He’d told them no in the bar, because he didn’t want to leave me. Tilting my head, I searched his face. “This is your dream, Kellan, and this could be it for you. This could be your moment, your chance. Isn’t this what you want?”





92


He shrugged, looking over my shoulder to the bar. “I’m fine with my life the way it is. Playing at Pete’s,” he looked back at me, “being with you.”

Running my hand back through his hair, I pressed our bodies together. “But you know you’re too talented to keep doing that forever, Kellan.

Even though I’d like to keep you to myself, I know that I can’t hide you away from the world.” He looked at the ground and I sunk down to meet his eyes. “And it’s not just your dream, Kellan.” I glanced back at the bar and he followed my gaze. “You know how much this means to them.” Looking back at him, I shrugged. “You can’t say no because of me.”

“I know.” He sighed. “They’re the only reason I’m even talking to you about this right now.” Shaking his head, he added, “But, Kiera…you have another year of school, you can’t come with me. I don’t want to leave you…”

I shook my head, cutting him off. “Not because of me, Kellan.” Feeling tears sting my eyes again, I swallowed hard. I was going to miss him so much, but I couldn’t keep him from this. I couldn’t be that person…again. “I won’t keep another man from his dream,” I whispered.

He pulled me in tight, clasping me to him like I was going to vanish. I felt like sobbing but I knew that I couldn’t, not when I could feel him shaking in my arms. Concerned, I whispered in his ear, “You’re scared, Kellan…why? You never get scared.”

He shook his head. “That’s not true. I’m scared all the time.” I pulled back to look at him with furrowed brows and he swallowed. “I remember, Kiera.” I furrowed my brows even more and he shook his head. “I remember when Denny left you…what it did to you.” His eyes searching mine, he whispered, “I remember how we got together.” Heat pricked me as what he was saying sunk in. He thought if he left, I’d cheat. I’d be so lonely and pathetic without out him that I’d reach out to the next available man and do…exactly what I’d done to Denny.

Knowing I couldn’t hate him for his fear, but feeling the anger anyway, I pushed him back from me. “You won’t leave me because when Denny left…”





93


“I know you don’t like being alone,” he murmured.

Anger stirring my belly, I spat out, “I’m not going to freak out because you’re gone and cheat on you. I’m not… I wouldn’t…” I stammered with something that didn’t sound childish. “Why would you think I would do that to you?”

“Because I was there…when Denny thought the exact same thing, when he thought you’d never cheat on him either.” He sighed and tried to wrap me in his embrace again but I kept him at arm’s length.

I tried to raise my chin, but I felt it quivering as my emotions ran rampant. “That’s not fair. I’ve grown, Kellan. And you and I were a completely different situation. You can’t throw that in my face.” Looking apologetic, he shook his head. “I know, I do know that. And I know you’ve grown, Kiera, but still…” Closing his eyes, he looked away.

Open-mouthed, I could only shake my head at him. “Are you always going to wonder about me?” I whispered. Twisting my lips, I wished we had the sort of relationship where we could smile and congratulate the other, wishing them well, knowing that nothing bad would happen. We didn’t have that though. We had doubt and fear, even though I sometimes tried to naively pretend that we didn’t.

Peeking up at me, he raised his eyebrows. “Just like you wonder about me? Just earlier today you thought I was cheating on you. You won’t worry when I’m gone? I mean, if I go on the road for months…with Griffin…it wouldn’t cross your mind?”

My eyes narrowed as I considered just what kind of trouble he could get into with that D-bag. “Well now it will.” I crossed my arms over my chest and glared at him until he turned away. He sighed, looking out over the parking lot. I sighed as well, my posture relaxing as my residual anger faded. I couldn’t be angry with him for wondering about something that I often wondered about too. “I guess we’ll just have to try and…trust each other.”