Don't Let Me Fall(74)

question at first then I remembered. She’s talking about Jared.

My eyes lowered to the tiled floor as I nodded.

I never have unprotected sex.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, Kenneth and Jared popped into my head. I blacked out when they showed up at the motel. But it’s impossible. I was clothed. I didn’t have any

marks on my body. I got my period two weeks after Alice died. And…

I didn’t get my period yet. I usually have problems though.

“Jacky…” I said looking up at her.

We both stayed silent as the thought crossed our minds.

Was I raped?

“The condom could have broken,” she said, taking a brown paper bag out of her purse along with a pregnancy test.

The test came back positive.

Instead of crying and getting angry, I stared at the stupid smiley face on the stick I just peed on. This isn’t a happy moment. I don’t want a f-ucking smiley face. Who is the f-

ucking idiot who made these tests have smiley faces? Some people don’t want that * to show up on the test. They want a ‘f-uck!’ or something else that will match the way

they feel. I could have been raped and I’m pregnant. That’s not a f-ucking smiley face moment.

Dad came home from work and walked into the bathroom without knocking. Jacky and I were paralyzed as his eyes landed on the test in my hand. He shut the door and pulled me into his

arms.

“You have to tell the police,” he said. He thinks it too. How did he just look at me and put it together? Maybe the police told him. Maybe they sent him a copy of the report and

Dad read that they came into the motel room and left me there. I wasn’t hurt though. I didn’t want to be in the station longer than I had to so I didn’t get checked. I just

wanted to die but I couldn’t because Kelsey needed me. “They’ll get more punishment.” I shook my head the whole time he spoke. “Birdie, they raped you.” Maybe.

“I don’t care,” I said.

That’s when both Jacky and Dad stared at me like I was a different person. Who gets raped and doesn’t care? Me. Because I’m not me anymore. I’m just an empty body walking

around.

I threw the test into the trash and walked to my room, locking the door behind me.

Everyone left an hour later.

I took a shower.

I wrote a note.

I taped it to my door.

I completely gave up and wanted out.

I stepped into the shower with a razor in hand.

I slid it across my wrist and watched the blood seep out.

That’s when I smiled.

I’ll finally get what I want.

And this baby won’t change my mind.

Then Dad knocked on the door and my smile faded.



I looked up at Matty and went limp in his arms. My brother held me for the longest time. Not once complaining that I’m too heavy or saying he needs to go to school. We both do.

We both need to get up but we couldn’t.

“You were screaming,” Matty said hugging me tighter. “Dad was going to come in but I told him to make sure Kelsey doesn’t hear you.”

She hates to see me in one of these moods. She doesn’t like to see me lose it. She wants to help but she can’t. I’m the only one who can do this. I have to help myself.

I need to see a therapist.

That’s what I need to do first.

I need help from someone who deals with this on a regular basis. He or she can help me move past this. I need to move past it.

I need to be Rebeckah again.

I need to be the Rebeckah I was when Alice was alive. If she were here now and saw me like this, she’d probably slap me and shake me until I was set straight.

“I love you, Becka. Always,” her voice said to me.

I smiled and Matty furrowed his brows.

“What’s so funny?” he asked.

“I never told you that Alice proposed to me.”

His jaw dropped. “What?! When was this? I knew you two were lesbian lovers behind closed doors. You just love the penis so you didn’t date each other.”

I could tell him he’s wrong but he’s not. Alice and I did do things that regular friends don’t do. We were wild and in college. It was bound to happen. Toby even encouraged us to

stop seeing men and just be with each other because we were happy together. If I was into that, I would have accepted. Alice did go both ways. I liked to have fun but men are my

favorite. I never saw my life with a woman.

“Tell me the story,” Matty said wiping my eyes. “I don’t give a shit if I’m late for school. It’s the last day before winter break anyways. No one does anything.”

When I was about to tell him, the door opened and Kelsey walked in telling me she can’t be left out. Dad stood in the doorway and smiled at me. He knows this story. Alice called

him and asked for my hand in marriage. She was just f-ucking around but she wanted to have fun. And I think in some way, she was kind of serious.

I’ll never know.

She took that secret to the grave.

“Okay, you were saying…” Kelsey said nudging my side.



I turned nineteen yesterday so Alice and I went out and got drunk. When we got back to the dorm, things got kind of hot. We had fun. When I woke up with Alice’s naked body pressed