Don't Let Me Fall(73)

“I don’t want to hurt you,” he said walking inside. “Please don’t make me change my mind.”

The door closed and Kenneth stepped in front of me. His green eyes were blank. Dangerous.

My heart stopped.

No sound was made.

I blacked out.

***



I woke up to someone shaking me.

Blue lights flashed outside.

It’s sunny.

Voices yelled around me.

I looked around and found a dark skinned officer looking down at me, his hands on my shoulders. They loosened when he saw how confused I was.

“Are you hurt?” he asked.

“Uh…no,” I said. Nothing hurts. Maybe just my heart. If it still exists. Then I remembered. “They were here. The guys that–”

“The police have them,” he said. “They were twenty minutes from here.” I sat up and realized I’m on a bed. Fully clothed. Oh thank god, I thought something happened. “Did they

hurt you?”

“No…I don’t think so.” I f-ucking hope not!

The officer asked if he could examine me quickly so I let him. My wrists don’t have any marks and neither does any part of my body. Well the parts that the officer can see at the

moment.

“Come with me,” the officer said.

We got into his car and headed to the police station. I had to verify that the two men they got were Jared and Kenneth. They were. And they look like shit. Drunk even.

Why didn’t they kill me?

Why did they leave me in the motel?

Toby was at the station when I was done giving my statement of what happened last night. He sat with me for a long time and we talked about Alice. His parents are having the funeral

soon. When the case is done being investigated. When the two men who killed her are locked away.

Why did they leave me at the motel?

Did they do something?

That’s what I hate. The not knowing. I don’t know what happened. I blacked out. I wish I didn’t! They killed my best friend and they took my memories last night. They’re slowing

ripping me apart and I hate it.

Jacky called later and told me Kelsey’s in the hospital. She’s going to start having more tests done and she wants me.

So I left the station and didn’t look back.

I left Toby behind.

I left that life behind.

There’s nothing I can do there.

I survived.

And I don’t know why.

Dad booked me a flight back home and I got on it. Everything at the dorm can stay. I don’t want it. I don’t want any of it.

Alice’s parents left a couple of hate filled voicemails for me when I was on the plane. One stuck out and cut my heart into tiny broken pieces.

I killed her.

She died of a blocked airway.

They should have killed me.

They should have killed me because then I wouldn’t–



“Becky, wake up!” Matty yelled.

My eyes snapped open and I pushed him away from me as I started to gasp for air. I fell out of bed, my knees hitting the floor hard but I didn’t care. I can’t breathe. Seeing that

–

Hands pulled me toward a hard chest.

“Breathe,” Matty said into my ear. “Count to ten.”

I tried. I got to six and I panicked again.

“Becky, you can’t push it away. Let it out. Whatever you’re seeing, let it out.”

I closed my eyes and counted to ten again.

My breaths came harder.

This time the images hit me and played like a movie. And I can’t press pause. I have to see it. I have to live it.



Matty’s home from school today. Junior year just ended. He’s going to be a senior in September. I can’t believe it. And Kelsey. She’ll be a freshman. First she needs to get

healthy. She’s going to be okay though. The doctor said the leukemia is curable. They caught it early.

It’s been two months since Alice has been gone.

I’ve been on autopilot since. Everyone notices that there’s something wrong with me. I don’t smile. I don’t talk as much. I don’t hang out with them. I didn’t get a new tattoo

and that’s a new record. Whenever they see me, we go out and see if I get a new one. I don’t even talk about tattoos anymore. I hide them. I wear sweaters to hide the stories

written on my skin. The memories of the old me. Most of them have something of Alice in them. It’s hard to look at them and remember when we laughed about something. It’s hard

remembering she’s gone.

My stomach hurts today. Every time I stand up, I feel like I’m going to pass out. And vomit. I barely eat because nothing settles right. Matty came straight home with Finn today

instead of hanging out with the other juniors who will be having a party at some person’s house. They even brought soup.

I locked myself in my room and ate it.

Five minutes later, I was puking it all up in the bathroom.

There was a knock on the door.

Jacky.

She walked in with a brown paper bag sticking out of her purse and a sad look in her eyes.

“I don’t want to ask but I need to know,” she said dropping to her knees, wiping hair off my face. “When you had sex with him, did he wear a condom?” I was confused by the