Dirty Letters(75)

An enormous amount of pride built in my chest. God, you’re amazing, Griffin. His gritty voice never sounded all that much different from the recorded versions of their songs; he was so good live. I found myself totally glued to the screen, captivated by him, as if I were merely a member of the audience. How I longed to be there. How I longed to feel the energy of that room, the heat, the vibration of the music. How I longed to be watching it all from just backstage, to leap into his arms and tell him how proud I was of him when the show was over. My eyes welled with tears. The longer I watched, the more that inexplicable feeling that had been whispering to me lately grew louder. I had described it to Doc as apathy, not caring whether I was living or dead, but now it seemed I understood exactly what it was. Nothing matters without him. If someone had asked me a year ago what the worst thing that could happen to me was . . . I would have told them it was having a panic attack and dying. If someone asked me today, my answer would be different. The worst thing to happen to me had happened. It was having to live every day knowing Griffin was out there and not being able to experience this life with him. He’d asked me if I believed love was enough, if I would be willing to experience all of the negative things in order to have him in my life. At the time, I truly didn’t know the answer. Now . . . it seemed clear to me. Love is everything. It matters more than fear, more than death. It transcends time. I would literally do anything to have him back in my life, even if it killed me.

Even if it kills me.

That realization was huge.

To truly overcome any fear, you had to be, at least on some level, willing to die for what was on the other side. I was most definitely willing to die for Griffin.

I didn’t know what to do with this revelation.

The beginning notes of “Luca” began to play, and I remembered Griffin telling me how strange it was to sing it after we reunited, since the song had been written out of anger. I was sure it had even more painful feelings associated with it now. The camera focused in on his face, and I noticed him shut his eyes tightly before he began to sing. It was as if he had to gear up for it, to prepare himself to utter those first words and start. I could only imagine what it felt like to have to sing about me over and over when I’d hurt him so much.

He made it through the song, and the crowd went wild. It was evident by how long the applause lasted that “Luca” was their most popular song. He’d always said that, but now I truly got it. He’d often told me that they ended the shows on that one. But it seemed it wasn’t the last song tonight.

Griffin returned to the microphone amid the cheers of the crowd and the chanting of “Cole.”

His voice echoed through the arena. “I was wondering if you’d be okay with one more song tonight . . .”

The crowd responded by erupting into an even louder series of applause and screaming.

“This one is new . . . never before recorded . . . and possibly never to be sung again. It’s called ‘You’re in Me,’ and it’s dedicated to my one true love. You know who you are.”

My eyes watered.

The crowd went wild.

I struggled to listen to the words as he started to sing.

The day you walked away,

You never really left.

You may not know it.

But you’re still here.

You say you’re scared . . .

But I’m scared, too,

To live in this world without you.

You can leave, but you’ll always be here.

In my heart and soul . . . everywhere.

You’re in me.

Till the end,

It will always be you, my friend.

They tell me to move on.

But if I do,

When I look at her, I’ll only see you.

You’re in me.

Till the end,

It will always be you, my friend.

Even though you’ve left scars . . .

You’re still my sun, moon, and stars.

What?

I didn’t hear anything else once he’d sung those words. My sun, moon, and stars. The rest of the song was a blur as I sat there frozen, so overcome with emotion. I’d never once mentioned the sun, moon, and stars tattoo to Griffin. He couldn’t have known anything, and yet those words were somehow in his heart. I was pretty sure it was because on some level, he lived inside mine. Looking down at my tattoo, I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that this was Izzy sending me the ultimate message of all.





CHAPTER 32

LUCA


Day five and nothing.

I didn’t know what I’d expected, but each day I went to my mailbox, finding it empty, made me feel a little more hopeless.

Griffin had poured his heart out in song, so I’d decided to do the same thing in my own way, doing what I did best—writing. I’d stayed up the entire night after the LA concert and let my heart bleed onto paper. I told him I’d been scared and thought it was the right thing to do to let him go, but that I’d finally realized I was more afraid of losing him than any single fear I could possibly have. I feared being trapped in a physical place, but that was nothing compared to living life with my heart trapped.

Starting around page fourteen of my rambling letter, I’d also laid out some thoughts on how we might be able to make it work. I’d researched possible places I could live not too far from LA. There were some really nice rural communities within a fifty-mile radius of Los Angeles. I hated to leave Doc, but he’d said we could do video therapy and promised that if I did decide to relocate, that he would visit a few times a year. Last night, he’d even come over with a list of birds recently spotted in the Topanga Canyon area—one of the places I’d mentioned might be a good fit for me out in California. And he and Martha had been chatting about him stopping by again at some point.