Dirty Letters(77)

“Let me ask you something, Doc. Would you think I was ridiculous if I went out to LA to talk to him, even though he’s made it pretty clear that he doesn’t want to have contact with me?”

“I think sometimes in life we have to go for the gusto, and if people don’t think we’re acting ridiculous, then we’re not trying hard enough.”

I nodded. “I just feel like I need closure. I spent the last eight years obsessing over what would have happened if I hadn’t bought Izzy and me the tickets to that concert. I can’t spend the next eight years wondering what might have happened if I’d gone to talk to him one last time.”

“Our fears are temporary—they come and go throughout life. But regret is permanent—we carry it with us forever. If you go and it doesn’t turn out the way you wanted it to, you’ll be sad, but you’ll be able to move on knowing you tried to win his heart back.”

“You’re right. I need to do it. Even if he slams the door in my face, I need to shout through it and give it everything I have.”

Doc smiled. “My sister is in New Mexico with her daughter for the rest of the summer, so I still have the RV. I could gas it up, and we could leave tonight.”

I appreciated the offer, I really did. And having a road companion for that long haul made the trip so much more bearable. But yet, it felt like this was something I needed to do on my own. I’d just have to take double the time and go slow. I’d relied on Doc enough. This trip was something I needed to do for Griffin and me, but it was also something I needed to do just for myself.

“Thank you so much for the offer, Doc. I appreciate it more than you’ll ever know. But do you think your sister would mind if I borrowed the RV myself?”

Doc stopped in place. “Yourself? You want to drive three thousand miles alone?”

I hoped I hadn’t hurt his feelings. “Yes. I can’t explain it, but I feel like it’s something I really need to do alone.”

Doc took a deep breath in and out and smiled. “Now you’re talking. Go for the gusto, Luca.”



I couldn’t believe I was doing this. I’d spent the last day and a half preparing. I had the same route Doc and I had taken last time mapped out on my phone and also on printed maps. Because I’d be traveling all alone, I reduced my driving schedule each day to three hundred miles. I’d researched safe spots to park each night—RV places with security and good ratings—and I’d stocked the camper with all the essentials I’d need for two weeks. The gas tank was full, the oil was changed, and Doc had disassembled the passenger seat and removed it so that Hortencia’s bed could sit on the floor in the front with me.

The sun had just started to go down, and I walked around my house double-checking I had turned everything off and unplugged any potential fire hazards. I stopped in my bedroom and had my hand on the light switch, about to turn it off, when the framed photo of Isabella and me caught my eye from the nightstand. I walked over and picked it up.

“It feels like you should be coming with me. But in my heart I know I need to do this on my own. Though that’s not true, is it, Izzy? I don’t need the photo to have you with me, because you’ll always be in my heart.” I took a deep breath and ran my finger over her face. “I’m going to go be fearless. I’ll see you in a few weeks.”

I set the frame back down on my nightstand and this time smiled looking back before closing the door. In the kitchen, I grabbed Hortencia’s leash and bent to get her water bowl. As I stood, a flash of light hit me in the eyes through the blinds. The window over the sink faced the front of the house, and I leaned forward and separated two of the slats to peer out. Finding headlights, I smiled and shook my head. Doc had wanted to come see me off for my trip, but I’d told him it would be late and he didn’t have to. I should’ve known he’d show up anyway. I grabbed my purse and a few last-minute things and headed outside.

The second I opened the screen door, Hortencia took off running and groinking toward the headlights. She loved Doc. I locked up the door and shielded my eyes as I turned. He must’ve had his brights on the entire drive over, because it looked like a floodlight was beaming at me. “Doc . . . turn off your headlights!” I walked a few steps forward and the lights went out.

It took my eyes a solid ten seconds to adjust to the darkness, but when they did, I froze. It wasn’t Doc’s car in my driveway, and it definitely wasn’t Doc.

Griffin hopped down from the driver’s seat of a giant RV and slammed the door shut. We both stood there just staring for the longest time.

“What . . . what are you doing here?” I finally said.

He nodded to Doc’s sister’s RV parked next to the one he’d come out of. I had it running to warm it up. “Going somewhere?”

I swallowed. “I was . . . going to drive to California to see you.”

Neither of us moved. “Is Doc in the RV already?”

I shook my head. “I was driving alone.”

Griffin’s brows rose. “You were going to drive three thousand miles by yourself?”

I nodded. “I needed to see you.”

He shoved his hands into his pockets. “Well, here I am. Got something you need to say?”

I’d spent days thinking about what I would say when I showed up at his front door, yet now that I was standing twenty feet away from him, I didn’t know where to even begin.