Dirty Letters(73)

“Oh yes. I’ve listened to it several times.”

I don’t know why that made me laugh a little. I couldn’t picture Doc listening to my music for some reason.

“Yeah. That song is always hard to sing, but I don’t think the words would even be able to come out tonight. They’d better somehow find their way out in the next city, because I can’t afford to cancel again.”

“It’s perfectly acceptable to exercise self-care from time to time. Don’t worry about the fans you’re letting down. Allow yourself this time to recuperate.”

“Jesus. Now I’m wondering if I called you for her . . . or for me.”

“Either way is okay by me. You’re a good man, Griffin. There’s no one else I would rather see my Luca with. I’ll let you in on a secret. I may be her doctor . . . but in truth, if I’m being honest . . . she’s really like a daughter to me. Our relationship goes far beyond doctor-patient. I wanted nothing more than to see things work out between the two of you, and my heart is heavy knowing both of you are in pain.”

“You’re a good man, too, Doc. Please take care of her.” I raked my fingers through my hair.

“You can count on that.” He paused. “Griffin?”

“Yeah . . .”

“Maybe you can put some of the feelings you’re experiencing to good use. Perhaps it’s time for a new song. I can imagine expressing yourself through your music would be therapeutic for you. Just a thought.”

Dismissing his suggestion, I said, “I can’t imagine writing music right now. My heart is broken.”

“My gut is telling me that you shouldn’t count Luca out. I have every confidence that someday she will realize her mistake, but that could be a very long time from now. I don’t expect it’s fair to ask you to wait.”

“I’d wait forever for her if I really felt she’d come around. Right now? I’m too shattered to believe that. Because I never thought she’d actually let me go, Doc. If I’m honest . . . I’m fucking floored.”

“Trust in fate, Griffin. Look how far it’s gotten you both thus far. Go on with your life, but trust in the fact that if you and Luca are meant to be . . . then someday the same universe that brought you together will work its magic again.”

“You’ve been a good friend, Doc. Not just to Luca, but to me. If there’s anything I can ever do for you, please let me know.”



My original assumption about not being able to write music was wrong. The following two days as we traveled to our next destination—Des Moines—I wrote lyrics and the accompanying music like a madman. It ended up being therapeutic for me, and although much of it was unusable, I had made progress on a song that I planned to perform at our final show if my bandmates could pick it up fast enough.

It was really hard not to call or text Luca, but I just didn’t think opening the lines of communication right now would make this any easier. Honestly, a part of me was just still so damn angry that she’d given up on us. I didn’t want to take that anger out on her. I’d call her eventually to check in, but I needed more time to let this set in. I’d not only lost my lover, but I’d lost my best friend. Again.

After a dinner break, I reentered the tour bus before we were set to hit the road again. To my shock, there was a girl lying in my bunk, dressed in nothing but lacy panties and a bra.

“Uh . . . what are you doing in here?” I asked.

“Buddy said you might want some company tonight?”

Fuck.

Where had she even come from? Had she been on the bus since Minneapolis? Buddy was my guitarist and the only bandmate I typically confided in. He’d confronted me after the show cancellation, and I eventually admitted what happened. He must have thought that fucking Luca out of my system was the way to go tonight. That wasn’t going to be happening. It was way too soon. Maybe there would come a time when it didn’t feel like cheating. But at this point in time, my body still felt like it belonged to Luca. And that was fucked up.

“Well, Buddy was wrong. I’d actually really like to be alone, but thank you for thinking of me.”

She looked disappointed. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah.”

She rolled off the bed and disappeared down into another section of the bus. After she left, we started moving. I shut off the interior light and just crashed.





CHAPTER 31

LUCA


I hadn’t gotten a single good night’s sleep since ending things with Griffin. I’d have painful thoughts about him drowning his sorrows in women or alcohol. And who could blame him after what I’d done to him? The breakup had put me in a constantly strange mood, one of overall apathy. Without being able to look forward to Griffin’s calls, his letters, his voice, his touch, it was as if I didn’t care about anything at all anymore, didn’t care if the world crumbled around me.

In the midst of it all, though, I’d done something I’d been putting off for years. I’d driven to the nearest tattoo shop and had the sun, moon, and stars tattoo that Isabella had wanted us to get permanently etched onto the inside of my forearm. I’d been “talking” to Izzy more lately and had felt like it was time to finally make that ink a reality.

Doc had just arrived at my house and would be seeing it for the first time.