Blade of Secrets (Bladesmith #1)(64)

“That sword,” Kellyn says, “you should have told me about it.”

“It’s so dangerous. The fewer people who know about it the better.” I fiddle with my fingers, popping the joints and twisting the skin. I look down. More quietly, I whisper, “Knowing about the sword wouldn’t have stopped Kymora’s men from discovering you’re helping us.”

“I know.”

“But that’s not what you’re upset about. It’s that I didn’t trust you with it.”

“Yes.”

“I-if it means anything to you, I trust you now.”

I hear the breath enter his lungs. “It does mean something to me.”

I bite the inside of my cheek at the next break in conversation. Maybe I need to show him that I trust him? “Do you want to carry Secret Eater on the way to Galvinor? You’re the only one I’d trust to wield it.”

“I’m never touching it again,” he says before the words have quite left my mouth. “It feels … wrong when I hold it. Like it wasn’t meant for me.”

“Okay.”

At the next pause, I can feel the tension between us, thick as a cloud of smoke. I want it to abate.

He wants to forgive me. I want to forgive him.

But is it all irreparable?

“I can’t change the fact that Kymora will soon know about you,” I say. “But how can I make things better?”

Kellyn once said something similar to me. I wonder if he catches that.

When he doesn’t answer right away, I look up.

He was waiting for that. His eyes latch on to mine. “I want nothing else kept from me. No more lies. No more secrets. Is there anything more I should know?”

“Nothing,” I say.

But then I realize that’s not quite true. “Except, well…”

He raises a brow. “Well?”

I groan.

“What?” he asks.

“I really don’t want to tell you.”

“Ziva, no more secrets. You said you trusted me.”

“It’s not that I don’t trust you. It’s that I don’t want you to know.”

“Why?”

“It’s embarrassing.”

“I’m sure it’s not that bad. Whatever it is, you can tell me, and I’ll try not to react poorly.”

I groan again, attempt to gather my courage. “You’re connected to the sword in more ways than you think.” I bury my face into my hands and mumble the story. “I saw you before we met when you came into my shop. I was in the forge, working on Secret Eater. I hadn’t added the magic yet when you walked by on the street. And then … it was magicked.”

“I’m not following.”

“I may have said something about you aloud. A secret. And the sword ate it.”

“What did you say?”

“I don’t remember the exact words.”

His hands curl around my fingers, pulling them from my face. “Yes, you do. What were the words, Ziva?”

I glare at him. “I’m only telling you this because I feel bad about putting you in danger against your will.”

He’s trying his best to keep from grinning, waiting.

“You have to understand, I don’t like people,” I say.

“You’ve said this before.”

“No, I mean, I don’t like people. I’ve never been attracted to anyone before.” Though he has my hands out of my face, I stare at his neck, unable to look any higher. “I’ve never met anyone who didn’t terrify me to the point of wanting to run the other way. I have these attacks, like the one you just witnessed. I panic a lot, and I’m scared all the time for reasons I can’t even really explain, except that the fear is always tied to people.

“But then I saw you, and you were beautiful. And for the first time in my life, I wanted to be close to someone physically. And that longing—combined with the spoken desire to touch you—it gave the sword its long-range abilities.” The last words come out as a whisper. But then, louder, I press on. I can’t allow him a chance to respond to that. It’s too humiliating. “Now you know everything. Is there anything you’d like to tell me?”

I still won’t look at him. I don’t want to see his expression.

“Didn’t the sword tell you everything about me?” he asks.

“Only some things. I’m asking if there’s anything else. Now that you know what’s at stake and everything we’re running from and protecting. Is there anything I should know?”

“No. We’re good, Ziva.”

I let out a breath of air, finally allowing myself a look at his face. I expect to be met with a haughty expression.

Instead, Kellyn is looking at me like he’s never seen me before.

As though he likes everything that he sees.

He takes my hands in his, just holds them in between us. Before I can decide whether I want to pull away, Kellyn rubs his fingers over my knuckles as he says, “I heard their secrets. All the men and women I killed with that sword. One was cheating on his wife. Another was thinking of defecting from Kymora’s service; she just couldn’t decide where to hide, considering a life in the mountains. One was stealing money from his fellow soldiers. One of the women fancied another soldier in the ranks. Almost all of them were afraid of death. I heard it. Their fears. It was horrible. It was too much, so much that it made me sick.