Blade of Secrets (Bladesmith #1)(63)

Petrik groans at the thought, but he still indulges her, bending as Temra does and blushing when her rump is tight in her pants at the next stretch. He looks away.

I smile softly at the two of them.

And then, as though all the events of the day are finally registering, a wave of exhaustion comes over me.

I need a moment.

I brush branches out of my way as I find a path through the trees. The ground is covered in leaves and mulch. My boots sink a good inch into the ground with every step. My arms ache from how they were roughly handled, and my knees go weak as I finally get out of view of everyone else.

Behind my closed eyelids, I can see Kymora’s soldiers surrounding us. Every horrifying moment is repeated over and over again in my mind. The sword lunging for Petrik. Temra being carried away. The destruction caused by Secret Eater.

And then the attack comes.

Not an outward one, but one from within.

My breath speeds until the shrill sounds are all that fill my ears. I brace my hands against the bark of the nearest tree as I feel my mind falling. It plummets to a dark and empty place, devoid of hope. There is no ladder or rope to climb back out. There is no end in sight. No light to guide my way.

I am nothing but fear and panic.

On and on time speeds or maybe it stills, stops completely, leaving me behind while the rest of the world goes on.

“There you are!” a voice says from somewhere nearby, the tone furious. I spin toward it, horrified Kellyn is catching me in the midst of an attack. “We need to talk. I cannot believe you’ve forced me into—Bladesmith?”

I make a shooing motion with my hands while I try to breathe. Kellyn ignores the gesture completely, stepping up behind me. His hands curl around my arms gently, but firmly. His deep voice rumbles, “I’ve got you. You’re safe.”

I don’t try to get away, but neither do I lean into the touch. I’m shocked into stillness by the contact.

“Ziva, it’s okay.”

Kellyn stands there, waiting out the attack with me. I’m mortified that he’s witnessing this, but I can’t do anything to make the panic subside.

I’m falling.

When will it end?

Please end.

Breathe.

When it finally alleviates, I don’t move from my position. I can’t.

Because if I do, if I pull away, he’ll see the tears now streaming down my face. Being caught like this, by him, is bad enough as it is.

Maybe if I just start talking, it won’t be so weird that I’m letting him hold me.

“You never call me by my name. It’s always ‘bladesmith.’”

“I didn’t want to get too attached.”

“And now?”

He mumbles something that sounds a lot like “too late,” but I can’t be sure.

“I thought it was over,” I say. “I thought the warlord had us. I thought I would lose my sister, that I would be a slave for the rest of my life, knowing that I had brought about the destruction of the world.

“I thought for just a moment you’d left us to that fate,” I continue. “I saw you running off with our money … But I also knew it wasn’t you. You didn’t look right, and you betraying us didn’t make sense. But it was your face! If I’d just put the truth together—”

“Kymora’s men would have caught up to you eventually,” Kellyn says. “It was only a matter of time. They knew where we were, and if their trick didn’t work, they would have found a way to surround you later on. By then, I might have been long gone and unable to save you.”

I swallow, and the sound feels as loud as thunder in the quiet.

“Why didn’t you use the sword before when we were in trouble?” he asks.

“I didn’t want you to know what it does. I’m not a skilled swordswoman, I fear hurting someone I don’t mean to with it. And … I don’t want to kill anyone. It’s not the kind of weapon that can only wound. I never want to wield it. That might make me weak in your eyes, but—”

“No. Not wanting to kill is in no way a flaw, Ziva. I hope you never have to.”

He’s rubbing my arms gently, spreading heat back into my limbs.

I ask, “Why did you come after us? You had the money. You had no further obligation to us. Why would you save us?”

He gently turns me. I swipe the moisture away from under my eyes. He sees the motion but says nothing of it. “Because I said I would return the money to you. I promised. I had to save you to keep my word.”

I make myself look him in the eye. “You were so outnumbered. You had to think you wouldn’t win. So why would you endanger yourself? If it was just about keeping your word, you could have dropped the money when you caught up to us and taken off running.”

He rubs the back of his neck with one hand. “They were about to kill the scholar. I felt sorry for the man.”

“Right.”

A lengthy pause.

“And I saw them holding you. They were trying to take you away. I didn’t think. I acted. I didn’t care how many men were in that clearing, because I didn’t even see them. All I saw was you in danger and so I fought.”

A delicious, light feeling sweeps through my veins. It starts at my heart and bursts toward my fingertips.

But then it disappears, and I panic, struggling to think of a single thing to say to him in response. The pause goes on too long; I’m sure it does. I step back out of his reach.