You Only Love Twice (Masters and Mercenaries #8)(62)

“No. I locked myself in the bathroom. When I came out, he’d moved into the other room.” She could still hear him promising not to bother her, swearing he wouldn’t touch her again if she would just stop crying. He’d said he couldn’t stand to hear her cry.

“You are being a fool. That boy would do anything for you.”

Tears clouded her eyes. “He’s wonderful, but I can’t. I’m not ready.”

“And you’ll never be ready because you refuse to let go.” He took a deep breath and stepped toward her. “You have to know he wouldn’t want this for you. Jamie wouldn’t want you to go through this. He would want you to be happy.”

“Then he shouldn’t have died.” The old bitterness welled up. Sometimes she just ached for him but she also had moments when she hated the universe and everything in it for being alive when he was dead.

She’d forgotten the ache and pain while she’d been in Jesse’s arms. For just a second, she’d been alive again and the world held potential.

“If you had been the one to die, would you want him to go on without you? Would you want him to ache for the rest of his life?”

Why couldn’t he understand? “I loved him. How can you want me to forget him?”

“Because you have a life to live. Because you’ll have more years without him than you ever had with him and you have to move on. You can’t live every one of those years in mourning. I miss him, too. I have to move on or I’ll go crazy. Don’t you remember all the things you wanted out of life? You wanted to be a mom.”

“I wanted to have Jamie’s baby.”

Ten stopped in front of her. “That is no longer an option and it’s such a f*cking shame because I think you would have been a great mom. I know this sounds so stupid, but I wanted that family, too. I wanted you and Jamie to breed like rabbits and get out of the service. I wanted you two in that big house Dad left us, raising babies and horses and having a good life. When I used to think about why I do what I do, it was always so you and Jamie could be happy and safe and so that I could go to your place for Thanksgiving and be weird Uncle Ten who likes to hold babies and play catch with the kids.”

The sweetness of the vision pierced her, making her ache all over again. “I wanted that, too. I never meant to be a lifer. Plans change.”

“But they didn’t and that’s what’s killing me now. Yes, Jamie died and we will mourn him forever, but we have to move on. I don’t know what I believe in—God, the universe, whatever—but I do know that you are being given a second chance and you’re too stubborn to take it. You will never find another man like the one you just walked out on.”

She wasn’t about to argue with him about Jesse. “He’s so good. I care about Jesse, but you have to know that you just wrecked everything. Any chance we had of being friends is gone. He can’t forgive me for what I did. I came up with the plan that sent him into hell. I did that. I’ve been lying to him. He didn’t know Jamie was with him.”

“He still doesn’t know.”

“What?”

“He wouldn’t let me tell him. He said if it hurt you for him to know, then he didn’t need to know.” Ten sighed and sat on the edge of the bed, looking wearier than she’d ever seen him. “I’ve gone over every possible scenario in my head. He’s too good to be true. I’ve even thought about the fact that if someone wanted to send in a sleeper, it would be interesting to send in one no one else trusts. Hide him in plain sight. Jesse would be perfect. You could train him to know what to say, how to act, how to look vulnerable enough that someone like Taggart would want to protect him, train him, give him access. Like I just gave him access to top secret files.”

“I can’t believe you gave him clearance.” She knew he was trustworthy. It just wasn’t like Ten to change his mind.

Ten nodded slowly. “There comes a time when you have to put the past aside, put paranoia and experience aside and go with your gut. Sometimes things aren’t what they seem, but every now and then they’re exactly what they look like. I viewed him through the eyes of an operative and a man who lost his brother and was looking for someone, anyone to blame for it. But it changed when I did one thing.”

“What was that?”

“I decided to look at him through your eyes. And I made a decision. I will trust him. I would trust him with you and therefore I’ll trust him with my life, too, and the lives of every person in this country. He won’t let us down.”

“He doesn’t know?” A little hope lit inside her. Why, she wasn’t sure. She just knew she didn’t want him to hate her. Even if he never spoke to her again, she didn’t want him to curse her name and wish he’d never met her.

“He wouldn’t let me tell him.”

“We can’t let him die.” She didn’t want to even think about a world where he wasn’t alive and vibrant and so sweet it hurt to look at him.

Sometimes he wasn’t so sweet. Sometimes he was in control, demanding. Yes, she’d liked that Jesse, too.

She turned and looked out the window. In the distance, she could see the McKay-Taggart building. She probably wouldn’t be going back there. She wouldn’t see all those kids again.

“Why are you doing this? Why are you pushing him away?” Ten asked.