You Only Love Twice (Masters and Mercenaries #8)(61)

Phoebe couldn’t breathe. She tried to but then she would think about the fact that there was no way Jesse didn’t hate her now. He would loathe her. The only man alive she’d made love with and he was going to hate her because Ten had decided he wasn’t the enemy.

She knew he wasn’t the enemy. She’d known it for a long time, but that didn’t mean he had to know everything. God, she couldn’t be with him. She knew that now. She’d wrecked him the night before and she hadn’t meant to. The last thing she wanted to do was hurt Jesse more than she had. She’d made every mistake she could with him. She didn’t even deserve a chance to apologize, though she’d hoped to try.

What would she apologize about? She would have to pick from a long list. I’m sorry I lied about my identity. I’m sorry I planted bugs in your apartment and let my brother spy on you. I’m sorry I ruined last night.

I’m sorry I’m the one who came up with the plan that ruined your life, killed my husband, and still tortures you to this day.

He would be right to hate her.

She felt like she was twelve again and being kicked out of yet another home. She could still hear the voices of the bad foster parents telling her there was something wrong with her, that she ruined everything. All these years later and she could still hear them when she couldn’t even remember the names of the ones who had been kind to her. There had been several. Men and women who had helped but for one reason or another, she’d had to leave those homes, too.

“Phoebe!”

She picked up the pace, not wanting to deal with Ten. She flew up the stairs. He didn’t understand. Ten didn’t love anyone. Not really. Oh, she knew he loved her as much as Ten could possibly love someone. Ten was funny and fierce and so guarded. She knew he would kill or die for her, but why couldn’t he keep one damn secret?

She managed to get to her bedroom. To the room where she’d made love with Jesse. She wasn’t about to fool herself. It hadn’t been sex, and that made it so much worse. It had been the best night of her life and just for a moment, she hadn’t been able to remember what Jamie looked like. It had been just a second, but Jesse had clouded her vision, her heart, to the point that Jamie had been lost again, and she couldn’t allow that to happen. If she lost Jamie, he would really be gone forever.

She started to shut the door but a cowboy boot got in the way.

“Hey, I need to talk to you.”

“Go away.” She pushed on the door.

Ten proved he was stronger. He simply pushed back and the door came open. “Are we pretending to be obnoxious teenagers again? What the hell was that scene downstairs?”

Nope. He wouldn’t understand. She loved her brother but he had all the sensitivity of a rhinoceros. He was wrong about Tag making him look good. “I would like you to leave.”

He closed the door behind him. “Phoebe, what the hell is going on with you?”

“I don’t want to talk about it. I just want a new assignment.” She had to deal with the fact that not only was Ten her brother, he was her boss. He controlled the only part of her life that held any meaning now. “I would really like to go back to Virginia.”

His face went stony. “No.”

“No? What do you mean no?” He couldn’t just say no.

“I mean I’m not sending you back to Virginia. You would be right back where you started. You would sit in that house and you would mourn him and let your life waste away. I will not be a party to that.”

She could concede on that point, but she had another plan ready. “Fine. Send me back to Asia. I’m sure you need someone over there with my skills.”

“Where you can waste your life pretending to be someone else?” Ten stepped into the room, his eyes going straight to the bed. There was no way he could miss the rumpled sheets or the damn condom wrapper on the nightstand. Why hadn’t she gotten rid of that? She’d been running late this morning and she hadn’t cleaned up anything but herself. Ten picked up the wrapper, holding it up. “Goddamn it, Phoebe.”

Shit. She didn’t need his judgment. “That’s none of your business.”

“Everything you do is my business.”

Embarrassment flashed through her system. When had Ten started acting more like her dad than her brother? “Ten, it didn’t mean anything. It was a mistake.”

He shook his head and tossed the wrapper in the trash. “Yeah, that’s what I thought you’d say. And that’s exactly why I won’t put you back into active duty.”

“What do you mean? Are you that angry that I cheated on Jamie.”

“You can’t cheat on Jamie.” Ten’s hands fisted at his sides. “Jamie is dead. Jamie is buried and he ain’t coming back. I’m benching you because you want to join him, because you are actively seeking to kill yourself and I won’t be a part of it. I won’t. I will not bury another sibling.”

She couldn’t blame him for thinking that way, but he had to see that she needed to work. “I’m not being reckless, Ten.”

He started to pace, a sure sign that he was upset. “No? You’re being stupid if you really think sleeping with a man who obviously adores you is a mistake. You should have been purring in his lap this morning, but you barely looked at him. I knew something was wrong with the two of you. I thought you’d had a fight, but that isn’t what happened. You didn’t fight. You f*cked and then you felt guilty. What did you do? Throw him out?”