Why Not Tonight (Happily Inc. #3)(85)

She’d told him she loved him and it hadn’t been enough. While in her head she could admit that his healing or not healing wasn’t about her and that she was wrong to think that just by falling in love with him, everything would be fine. Only that was how she wanted it to be. Her heart ached for him and demanded to know why her love wasn’t enough.

She knew that what he wrestled with had nothing to do with her—that his issues had existed long before her. The fact that she had finally figured out that she loved him was great, but not life changing for anyone but her. He had to get through his past on his own.

But she still needed to see him, be held by him. She was desperate to inhale the scent of his skin, watch him move, touch him and hear his voice. She missed everything about him.

Worse, she knew he was dealing with so much all on his own. She wanted to be there for him, to help him through it, to just listen while he went around and around with the new information his birth mother had given him. Only she and Ronan weren’t talking, at least not as far as she knew. She’d told him she loved him and he’d walked away. That wasn’t exactly an invitation for more time together.

So she stayed home. She grabbed her keys three times, then dropped them back in her bag. Once she got as far as her car before turning around and retreating to her apartment. If Ronan wanted her or needed her, he knew exactly where to find her. She wasn’t going to push herself on him. What he was going through was too important.

She tried to focus on work, but that wasn’t happening, so she found a Big Bang Theory marathon on one of the cable channels and settled in to be distracted by the antics of Leonard and Sheldon. Somewhere close to nine o’clock, there was a knock on her door.

Natalie’s heart immediately started pounding. She told herself that it wasn’t going to be Ronan, that she shouldn’t get her hopes up. But she couldn’t help wishing and praying all the way to the door.

He stood on the landing, looking tired and confused. His expression was weary, his shoulders slumped.

“Is it okay that I’m here?” he asked.

She took his hand and pulled him inside, then wrapped her arms around him and hung on tight.

She told herself that he was here as a friend and that she shouldn’t read too much into his visit. She promised that she wouldn’t say or do anything cringe-worthy. That she would remember she was his friend first, and the woman who loved him second.

He hugged her back, his strong arms holding her so tight she could barely breathe. God, that felt good. All warm and safe and just like she remembered. If only he would never let go.

But he did, stepping back. “I didn’t know where else to go.”

“It’s fine.”

She led him into the kitchen, then began pulling out leftover take-out containers. Since her confession, she’d been living on Chinese, Thai and Italian, with a little Mexican thrown in. When there was a problem with her life, carbs and cheese were always the answer.

“What are you doing?” he asked, leaning against the counter.

“You haven’t eaten in at least twenty-four hours. You’ll feel better with food in your stomach.”

His eyebrows drew together. “How do you know I haven’t eaten?”

“Have you?”

“No.”

She turned on the oven, then dumped fried rice, Thai basil chicken and a cheese enchilada on a plate and stuck it in the microwave. While they heated she put two slices of pizza and three egg rolls onto a cookie sheet. They could be his second course.

She poured a large glass of water and handed it to him. He took a drink. After setting the table, she opened a beer and set it by the place mat, then put the small cookie sheet in the oven and pulled the plate from the microwave. She set it in front of him.

“Eat.”

He picked up his fork. “Are you sure you don’t want some of this?”

“I already had plenty. Don’t worry about talking. Just eat. We’ll talk after.”

She softened the words by putting her hand on his shoulder, then stuck her phone into a small docking station so she could put on some music. Once he’d started on his impromptu meal, she made herself some herbal tea. By then his plate was clean and the pizza slices and egg rolls were warm.

“I was starving,” he admitted as she took the seat across from him. “I didn’t realize. Thanks, Natalie.”

“No problem.” She smiled. “Think of my place as the international buffet of leftovers.”

“It’s more than that.”

She told herself not to read anything into his words. He was here and for now that was enough. Yes, her heart was broken, but she was dealing. Just being around Ronan made her feel better. Maybe they could figure out how to get back to being friends. They’d started out as friends, and now that she knew him better, she liked him even more. Not having him as the man in her life was awful, but to lose him in every way was unthinkable. Unless she quit her job and left town, they were going to see each other all the time. Wouldn’t it be better to stay friends instead?

But first, his past.

She waited while he finished eating, then drank about half the beer. Only then did he lean back in his chair and look at her.

“You heard what happened.”

A statement, not a question, she thought. “Nick and Mathias told me about your birth mother.”