When the Heart Falls(168)

“I don’t know what that bitch told you, but she wanted it. All of it. Did she tell you how she followed me around like a lost puppy, how she begged for scraps of my attention like a bitch in heat? She wanted it and she got it. You got nothing on me.”

My fist slams into his stomach and he doubles over, no longer able to talk. “Shut your f*cking mouth. I don’t want to see you again. Disappear. Got it?”

I don’t wait for him to answer. My rage is burning too hot. If I stay, if he says another goddamn word, I won’t stop.

I rinse my fist in the hall bathroom before I go back to Winter, who is still fast asleep. I tear the note up and throw it in the trash, strip to my boxers and crawl back into bed with her.





WINTER DEVEAUX

CHAPTER 41





IT'S HARD TO leave Cade, and he doesn’t want me to go either. He tempts me with kisses and back rubs and I give in, for a bit.

“Cade, I need to check on Jenifer. She got beat up much worse than me, and besides, I need to talk to her.”

He sighs and releases me, and I miss his hands the moment they’re not on me. “Okay, but I’m right here if you need me. I love you.”

I kiss him deeply and grab the food I picked up for Jenifer at the cafeteria this morning. “I love you, too. So much more than you can know.”

The walk across the hall is painful and not just physically. My body aches for him, but I refuse to be that girl who disappears into her boyfriend and forgets about her friends.

Jenifer is lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, when I walk in. "How you feeling?"

She groans. "Like an alien baby's about to pop out of my ribs. Otherwise, pretty fan-f*cking-tastic."

"For you," I hand her the chicken salad.

She scoots up in bed, her face flinching in pain. "Thanks. Maybe this will keep the alien baby appeased."

She starts eating, and I sit on the edge of her bed facing her. "We need to talk about what happened. And more."

Jenifer nods as she chews, her jaw purple and blue.

I recount the story I told Cade last night. It’s easier to tell the second time, the pain has lessened. There’s something about being witnessed, being seen in your whole being, demons and all, that is liberating… healing even.

Jenifer's almost in tears by the end. "No wonder you wanted to pepper spray him at the club. I should have known. I should have f*cking killed him years ago."

I shake my head. "He's not worth killing." Though I’m not ready to forgive. I still want him to suffer, to pay for what he did.

"Beat him up, then. Threaten him. Call the cops. Whatever. I can't believe he… " She chokes back a sob.

I give her a hug.

She hugs me back, then pulls away. "Fuck. My ribs."

"Sorry."

She leans back against the wall. "It happened more than once."

"Yes. Rodney—"

"Not Rodney. Duke. He beat me up before."

"But you didn't have bruises."

"He kicked me in the stomach mostly. I hid those with my shirt. Sometimes he hit my face. Those days I hid in the subway station. I told you I was at Duke's."

I feel sick. "You were at Duke's almost every day."

"Exactly." Jenifer focuses on her salad.

I’m still reeling from her confession. How did I not see this? How could I not know? But I know the reason. I didn’t want to see. I judged her for her past, for the way she behaved with men, the things she let them to do her, and the whole time she was a mirror to me, only I never saw it until now. The things I hated most about her were the things I hated most about myself. "Why didn't we tell anyone?"

She shrugs, but the motion costs her. "I didn't want to be alone. Duke was committed to me, and I to him. Though I hated him, I also loved him. Because I could be myself with him. I could tell him secrets, I could act like a bitch, and he'd stay with me. I think that's how Trevor felt. He hated my guts. Made fun of me all the time. But he also needed me. Because I paid attention to him, his mockery, his abuse. That's how he connected. I made him feel important, like he had someone to share his life with."

"Rodney made me feel like shit."

"Maybe you thought you deserved it. Maybe you thought it would never happen again."

I shake my head. "Telling others felt harder than letting Rodney do what he wanted. I thought if I told anyone, they'd pull away. Because they wouldn't believe me. Or they would, and they'd see a damaged girl, and they'd leave the drama alone. There’s so much slut shaming, so much blame put on the victims of rape. I didn’t want to be a victim publicly. It was bad enough in private. I didn’t want everyone to hate me."

"We want to hold on to the people who matter,” she says. “We act from shame and fear.”

"But I was wrong. They didn't pull away. I told you and Cade, and I still have you both."

She holds up her fork and smiles. "As long as you keep bringing me breakfast."



The moon is high in the sky and my heart feels free. It’s exhilarating, and I know I’m ready to finish my novel. I open my laptop, and the words flow out of me.

It takes a week of intense writing. While most of the students are partying and cramming in sightseeing, I lock myself in my room and write. Cade and Jenifer check in on me and make sure I eat, and Cade forces me to take breaks, mostly by seducing me, which I don’t mind a bit.