When Darkness Falls(23)

“Maybe that is it. What’s the treatment? Do you know?”

“I don’t know if there is any. My uncle made sure the doors were bolted too high for her to reach, so she couldn’t get out of the house. I don’t know what they did when she got too tall for that.”

Devon pressed his first two fingers against the inside of the wrist of his opposite hand. “Sleepwalking. Maybe.”

“What did you think it was?”

“I didn’t know. But I should have told you before. I’m such an idiot. Can you forgive me?”

“Of course. But why wouldn’t you tell me? Were you scared?”

“Yeah. And no.”

Haley tensed. So there was more. Her hands started sweating, but she couldn’t let this go or in a month she’d be having another meltdown. “Because?”

“It’s about my family. My father. You know he’s an alcoholic. But he’s also schizophrenic, and he never stays on his meds. When we first started dating, I didn’t say anything. I told myself it’s not the kind of thing you hit someone with right off. After that, things happened so fast. It’s no excuse, I know that. But you were stressed before the wedding. I was afraid it might tip you over the edge.”

“Over the edge?”

“That you wouldn’t want to go through with marrying me.”

“Because of your father? You don’t ever see him.”

“It’s partly hereditary, Haley. It’s a risk for me. And if we had kids, it would be a risk for them.”

“There are all kinds of risks when you have kids.” She and Devon had talked about having children, but it seemed like something for way down the road, when they both had their careers at least somewhat on track. “And I wouldn’t have not married you because of that. Finding the right person is hard enough, let alone trying to rule out everyone who might have a risk factor in their gene pool.”

“Still, I should have told you.”

“It’s okay. But there’s something else, isn’t there? That you don’t want to tell me.”

Devon pressed his palms together almost in a prayer gesture. “Maybe that history, maybe that’s why I’m having these symptoms. The heart problem, being afraid of going out—”

“You’re afraid of going out?”

He hung his head. “I had another attack. Saturday afternoon. When I tried to leave the apartment. I went to the ER, they told me all the same things. But at the time, I felt sure it was a heart attack. Despite everything I know.”

“I’m so sorry. But it’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

Devon’s hands closed into fists. “It feels like it is. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’ve always been really good at handling things, keeping it together. I got my brother to school every day, I went to his parent-teacher conferences. I snuck cash from my dad’s wallet when he was drunk to buy groceries, before he could spend it all on booze. I took care of things. Not Paul, in the end, I wasn’t there that night. I should’ve been, but I wasn’t.”

“You couldn’t be with him all the time.”

“I know. I accept that. At least, I think I do. But now, here I am, something else I can’t control, and it’s my own body. Or my own mind. I feel weak. Like how I always felt my dad was being. How he is.”

Haley took his hand. “You’re not weak. There’s something going on you don’t understand. And your dad, I don’t know him, but maybe he’s doing the best he can. He’s sick, not weak.”

“You didn’t grow up with him.”

“No, I didn’t. So I don’t know. But I know you, and you’ve told me all this, and I don’t see you as weak. Okay?”

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I was afraid of making it seem real. And losing you.”

“Because something’s wrong? I’d never leave you because of that.”

“I don’t want you to have to take care of me. Or pity me.”

“It’s not about pity. We’re married. We’re supposed to help each other. Would you be there for me, no matter what?”

“I would,” he said. “I never thought I’d say that to anyone, but I would.”

“And I’ll be here for you. We’ll find out what’s wrong. We’ll go to doctors until we find one who knows.”

“Thank you.” He brushed her hair away from her eyes. “I missed you.”

“I missed you, too.”

Devon kissed her forehead. “Let’s see what I can do about dinner.”

When they’d eaten, he gave Haley a neck massage, which turned into a back massage, which turned into a long session of lovemaking.

“Mm,” Haley said as they lay with their arms around one another. “Not such a bad surprise, at the literal end of the day.”

“Things’ll be different,” Devon said. “I promise.”





Chapter Ten


A week after their talk, Devon had another attack. He went out less and less often the following weeks. He slept more. Devon’s doctor, hearing of Devon’s lack of energy and trouble leaving home, gave him antidepressants. Devon didn’t want to take them, and when Haley suggested a new doctor, Devon agreed. That doctor sent him to a cardiologist, who sent him to a neurologist, who recommended a psychologist, who gave him the name of a psychiatrist, Dr. Richardson, who specialized in phobias and panic attacks. But two weeks later, Devon still hadn’t made an appointment.