When Darkness Falls(28)

Their refrigerator had a small freezer compartment. She felt almost afraid of what she’d find. More oranges? Frozen lemons? Tangerine popsicles? Freezing fruit made no sense, but neither did cramming your refrigerator full of it. She opened the door and almost laughed. No fruit. Only frozen concentrate apple juice, orange juice, pineapple juice. Pineapple-orange-banana juice. Strawberry juice.

What was Devon expecting to do, throw a party and serve a huge bowl of fruit punch with fruit salad on the side? She doubted he was planning to eat lemons or limes whole. Occasionally Haley used to suck on them to clear her voice before singing, but these would last Devon for a hundred jobs. And they could serve a lot of Coronas with lime at The Underground.

Which actually could be it. Maybe Devon was buying all this for the bar. He’d gotten a deal. But he’d store them downstairs in the industrial-sized refrigerator.

Haley shook her head and chose a ripe-looking orange to peel and eat. There was nothing frightening about a refrigerator full of fruit. It was not going to jump out and attack her. There was no use for it, either, that she could think of, not for all of it. Neither could it be explained away by a phobic reaction to the outdoors. She would ask Devon about it, but she had a feeling he would have no better idea why he’d bought all of it than she did.

She pushed the orange aside, her appetite gone, and listened to the ticking clock over the sink.

Devon got home about half an hour later.

“Welcome home,” he said. “I missed you.”

As he put his arms around her, Haley breathed in the smell of his leather jacket and the musky scent of his cologne and felt again as if nothing could be too much for them. He looked good, better than he had in a while. His face had lost some of its pale cast and he stood straighter. His shoulders seemed a little broader and his waist not so thin when she held him.

“I missed you, too,” she said, and though she had intended to talk first, they headed for the bedroom instead.

“You look like you’re feeling better,” Haley said later as they lay holding one another.

Devon rolled onto his back. “I was.”

“Until you went for groceries?”

“No. That was all right. But I tried to go out this afternoon. It was the first time all over again. I couldn’t get my heart to stop pounding until I shut myself in the dark in the bathroom. When I felt better I went and got some cardboard from the bar and put it up. I’m sorry.”

“What did Richardson say?”

“That I need to work on this more gradually.”

“And the cardboard?”

Devon sighed. “She says if I keep blocking out the outdoors, I’m giving my unconscious a message that there’s something to fear, so I’ll keep getting the adrenalin rush. She told me this week to try getting near one of the windows. With the cardboard still on, but close enough so I can feel the warmth of the sun.”

“You want me to be there when you try?”

“Would you? Though I hate for you to see me. Shaking and clutching my heart because of a window.”

“Listen to me.” Haley propped herself on her elbow so she could look in his eyes. “I was petrified when I moved out of Brian’s place, and it’s not like I thought any physical harm would come to me. But I had almost no income, with music gone, and I didn’t want to play anymore. I felt like a coward, hiding out at my apartment, not seeing any of our friends, not telling my mother for months. I got more and more depressed, and then I felt depressed about feeling depressed. It might seem like a weakness when it takes all the energy you have and you’re still not sure it’s enough to do what other people do without thinking. But getting through something like that takes strength. More than a lot of people need to call on in their entire lifetimes. You’re not weak. When you feel that fear, to stand near a window for a second is an act of courage. Someday you’ll look back and be amazed at how strong you really were.”

He pulled her closer, and they were quiet for a while. Haley almost fell asleep. She had forgotten about the strangely-stocked refrigerator when Devon said sleepily, “You know what? The only thing the doctor found physically wrong is I’m Vitamin C deficient, but I don’t have any symptoms of scurvy.”

Haley opened her eyes. “When did he tell you that?”

“Tonight.”

“Before you shopped?”

“I shopped last night. Why?”

“All that fruit you bought.”

“Oh, I know. I might have gone a little overboard.”

“A little? There’s enough to feed a family of eight if they ate nothing but citrus for a week. How did you think we would eat all that? And didn’t you think we’d eat anything else?”

“I wasn’t thinking, I guess. Not about food. I was trying to stay calm.”

“Maybe your body knew you needed Vitamin C.”

“They took another blood test. I’m starting to feel like a pin cushion.”

“I bet.” Haley kissed his forehead. “John and Anne invited me to come back next weekend. Your friend Tom has a job at a local club and he’s looking for someone to sing back up. I might do it. Barbara actually scheduled me for next Friday off, so it wouldn’t be a problem at work.”

Haley wished Devon would say he’d missed her too much and wanted her to stay home next weekend. Or show a little jealousy about Tom Dunleavy, who Anne had said was nice-looking, though Haley hadn’t met him yet. Or ask about when she was going to check out graduate school, which she’d been holding off on because she didn’t see how they’d get by if she didn’t keep her full-time job. Things had been better since Devon had told her the truth about his attacks. He still wouldn’t go out, but they’d started cooking meals together when they could, competing to make the most creative dessert, binge watching old TV shows, and playing card games like rummy and King’s Corner. But Devon still seemed remote much of the time.