Uniting the Souls (Souls of Chicago #6)(40)

After Isaac had been dropped off, I’d sat in the darkened back seat of the cab, alone with my thoughts. I’d enjoyed myself and my body was already craving more of the two men. More than that, I genuinely liked spending time with them. They were funny and intelligent and I was happier just being around them. I smiled, thinking to myself that perhaps I could invite them over to my place for dinner one night, spend more time getting to know each other and maybe see where this thing would lead us.

With that thought, guilt reared its ugly head and slammed into me with a viciousness I hadn’t been prepared for. I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me and I struggled to catch my breath. The cabbie gave me a strange look as I tossed a wad of cash at him, but I ignored it and stumbled up the sidewalk and into my house.

I slammed the door behind me and collapsed against it, sliding down until I was seated on the floor. I drew my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around my legs, resting my forehead against my knees. I was shaking all over and a cold sweat had broken out across my body. I closed my eyes and just focused on my breathing, wishing I could get back even a little bit of the happiness I’d felt before. It was no use, though.

Eventually, I’d climbed to my feet and made my way to the kitchen, remembering that I had a couple bottles of whiskey in the pantry that someone had given me for Christmas the year before. I opened one quickly and took a drink, not even bothering to pour it in a glass. After all, it wasn’t like I had anyone to share it with. The thought made me laugh even though I had no idea why. The sound echoed in the empty kitchen, and I could hear the high-pitched hysteria in it.

I took several more swallows, enjoying the smooth burn that traveled down my throat and the warmth that spread through my limbs. It wasn’t enough to ward off the cold that had settled into my bones though; that would’ve been too much to ask.

Taking the bottle with me, I made my way down the hall to my room. I sat on the bed and set the bottle on the nightstand, then picked up the framed picture that I always kept beside me as I slept. My hands shook as I lifted it up to my face and for the first time ever, I found it difficult to look at the face staring back at me from beneath the glass.

I’d been with other men before and never felt this level of guilt, so why was it so different this time? A small voice in the back of my mind whispered that it was because being with Hudson and Isaac had meant so much more than any of those other encounters.

Tears filled my eyes, blurring my vision as I knew the voice was right. Even after just one night in their arms, I knew that there was more to the three of us than a simple fling. There were feelings there that I hadn’t even begun to explore. I hadn’t allowed myself to because of moments like this. Moments when the guilt loomed over me like a tidal wave about to crush the life right out of me.

Rage boiled up inside of me and I swiped at my tears angrily. We’d had so many plans, made so many promises, but Sean hadn’t been able to hold up his end of them. None of our dreams had come true and I’d been left all by myself, trying to find a way to move forward when my heart had been ripped out of my chest.

Would it be so wrong for me to move on? To find someone to share my life with so I wouldn’t have to be so lonely all the fucking time? I glared back down at the face in the photo and the anger drained out of me just as quickly as it’d come in. Neither one of us had wanted it to end, but sometimes the universe has other plans and one person moves on while the other is left behind. I just wished it didn’t have to hurt so badly.

I swiped the bottle from the table and took another drink, then cradled it against my chest as I curled up on top of my comforter, wrapping myself into a ball. A part of me wanted to call Hudson and Isaac and beg them to come over. I knew that the two of them would be able to chase the darkness away, but the other part of me felt like that would mean I was moving on, forgetting, and I couldn’t allow that to happen. I swallowed another long drink and let the guilt and the sadness carry me away.

Sunday had been much the same. I’d woken up in the clothes I’d come home in, the scent of Hudson and Isaac still lingering in the material and on my skin and I’d raced to the bathroom to throw up. I’d spent the rest of the day drinking, trying to forget everything that had happened between me, Isaac, and Hudson as well as pushing away painful memories of the past.

I’d spent Sunday evening regretting my choice to drink and feeling sicker than I ever had in my entire life. It was noon by the time I woke up on Monday and I groaned as the light from the window hit my eyes, causing a sharp, stabbing pain to shoot through my skull. I knew I should call Allison and tell her I was taking the day off so she wouldn’t worry, but I needed aspirin and a shower first.

I climbed out of the shower and dried myself off, running the towel over the wet curls on my head before wrapping it around my waist. I stood in front of the shower and grimaced at my reflection. My skin looked sallow and there were dark circles around my eyes. I reached for my toothbrush, desperately needing to rid myself of the vile flavor that the alcohol had left behind.

Minty fresh and feeling halfway human again, I made my way to the bedroom and pulled on a comfy pair of sweats and an old T-shirt. I was just heading into the kitchen to make some toast when there was a knock on my door. I glanced at it in surprise. No one ever came to see me. I opened the door, expecting to have to get rid of a salesman, but my jaw dropped open when I saw Hudson and Isaac standing on my front porch instead.