Uniting the Souls (Souls of Chicago #6)(45)
“Including me,” Isaac whispered. I turned to look at him and saw fresh tears running down his face. I reached out and wiped them away with my thumb.
“Including you,” I whispered back and a slow smile spread across my face.
“Why did you get drunk?” Hudson asked and my head whipped around at him, surprised by the sudden change in topic. He looked almost sad as he asked me, “Did I push you to do something you weren’t ready for?”
“No, that wasn’t it at all,” I said, shaking my head. “I’ve been with other men since I lost Sean,” I admitted quietly. “Not many and only when I felt like I would suffocate from the loneliness.” Isaac’s hand tightened in mine and I squeezed his fingers gently.
“So, what made this time different?” Hudson asked.
“Because you guys are different,” I told them honestly, then I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I’ve spent the last several years going to work and then coming home, day after day and for the most part that was enough. I was fulfilled by my job and I spent all day surrounded by people. When the loneliness got to be too much, I’d hook up with someone, but I realized I wasn’t living, I was only existing, and that wasn’t fair to Sean. That wasn’t what he would want for me, but I didn’t know how to change it.
“Then we had the grand opening and I met you,” I said to Hudson. I turned to Isaac. “And felt like I was meeting you for the first time. I couldn’t believe the way I reacted to the two of you. The zing of electricity and the way my heart pounded in my chest; I hadn’t felt like that since…”
“Sean.” Hudson finished for me. I nodded, unable to say it out loud.
“I felt like I’d betrayed him in some way so I tried to stay away from both of you other than work, but it was harder than I thought it’d be. The loneliness seemed to get even worse when I saw you two getting closer. I wanted so badly to join you when you went to dinner that first night and again when I saw you kissing in Isaac’s office, but I stopped myself.
“Then I talked with Caleb. I told him a little bit about Sean and he convinced me that I needed to get out more. He made me promise that I’d at least try. I knew he was right so I agreed. That’s why I went to the club. Plus, I knew you two would be there and I wanted to see what this thing between us was.”
“But you weren’t ready?” Isaac asked.
“No, I was ready. I loved everything we did that night. I liked being with both of you, touching you, tasting you both, being inside you,” I said while looking at Isaac. I watched as pink tinged his cheeks and thought to myself once again that he was so beautiful.
“I enjoyed all of it and I was fine until I was alone in the back of the cab and I realized I was really happy for the first time in years. That’s when the guilt hit me. It was almost as if by being with the two of you, I was forgetting Sean and everything we had shared together. By the time I got home, I couldn’t breathe and I just wanted something to numb the pain. I knew I was drinking way too much, but it felt good to not hurt for a while so I just kept drinking.”
Hudson looked at me tenderly. “It sounds like Sean was an incredible man,” he said.
“He was, he was the best,” I agreed.
“What you two shared sounds amazing. There’s no way you’ll ever be able to forget him or what he meant to you, and you shouldn’t,” Isaac chimed in. I stared into his kind eyes. Hearing him say it out loud, I felt ridiculous because Isaac was right. There was no way I could ever forget Sean and the love we’d shared.
“Let me ask you something, Matt,” Hudson said. His eyes were gentle, but serious. “Do you care about me and Isaac?”
“Yes, of course I do,” I answered quickly.
“Did you ever think you’d care about two men at once?” I wasn’t sure where he was headed with his questions, but I shook my head no. “If your heart has room for you to care about both of us at the same time, then what makes you think there isn’t room for three?” I couldn’t answer. I felt like such a fool for thinking that it was an either-or situation. Just because I cared about the two men sitting next to me didn’t mean I had to stop loving Sean.
“If Sean were here right now, what do you think he’d tell you to do?” Hudson asked softly.
I was quiet for several moments as I gave his question serious thought. I closed my eyes and pictured Sean’s face, the way he used to smile at me and the sound of his laugh. Before he’d gotten sick, he was so full of life. He was always excited to try new things and the first one to suggest something adventurous. It was almost as if he’d known he was on borrowed time and wanted to make the most of his life while he could. He would be devastated to learn that I’d quit living the day I lost him. I opened my eyes because I had my answer.
“He’d want me to be happy. He’d want me to enjoy life to its fullest and grab as much happiness as I possibly could,” I answered.
“What would make you happy?” Isaac asked beside me. I felt a sense of peace as I looked at him and then at Hudson.
“Being with the two of you.”
I hadn’t even realized how nervous I’d been until Matt admitted that Isaac and I made him happy, and suddenly, I felt like I could breathe again. I’d known Matt had something that was keeping him from opening up to us. Even when we’d slept together, as wonderful as it was, I knew he’d been holding a part of himself back. It weighed heavily on my mind, but I couldn’t push him or force him to talk until he was ready. I wasn’t his therapist and I didn’t want to be.