Troubles and Treats (Chocolate Lovers #3)(26)

In the chaos of screams, coughs and crying, I blindly reach into my back pocket and pull out my cell phone, pressing the button on the side of it for the voice command thingy since I can’t see to dial.

“CALL DREW! FUCKING HELL, CALL AN AMBULANCE!”

“Did you say, call Claire?”

“NO! CLAIRE IS RIGHT HERE, YOU IDIOT! I SAID CALL DREW! HELP!”

“Did you say browse the web?”

“YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE A SMART PHONE, YOU PIECE OF SHIT!”

“Did you say send a message?”

“NO, ASSHOLE! WAIT, YES! YES, YES, YES! SEND A MESSAGE TO DREW! TELL HIM WE’VE BEEN ATTACKED AND WE’RE DYING. TELL HIM WE NEED THE POLICE, A DOCTOR, AND HANDCUFFS!”

“Sending message to, Doctor Madison.

I throw the phone away from me and curl up in the fetal position in the grass, not even caring that I just sent a message to the new marriage counselor I had scheduled an appointment with for Drew and me. She has Drew’s phone number in her records so maybe she’ll get the text and call him.

I still hear shouts and crying all around me and squint open my eyes as best I can. The tears are pouring down my face and what I see is blurry, but it looks like Liz now has Claire in a headlock and the stalker is on all fours puking in the bush.

“OH MY GOD, MY EYES!!!” the guy shouts.

And just like that, I know exactly who my stalker is. Just a few years ago he had yelled the exact same thing when he walked into our living room and saw Drew doing a handstand against the wall next to the couch while I gave him a blow job.

With squinty eyes, I push myself up onto my hands and knees and crawl over to the figure still heaving in the shrubs.

“Dad? Is that you?” I ask.

“I am an absolute disgrace! What is your major malfunction, numb nuts? You let a bunch of namby-pamby girls take you down. I ought to take a giant shit on you!” he mumbles to himself between coughs and dry heaves.

Yep, that’s my father-in-law. Leave it to him to quote Full Metal Jacket at a time like this. As soon as I can feel my face again and see out of my eyes, he’s going to explain this whole mess to me.

“1-2-3-4 I LOVE THE MARINE CORPS!”

Well, maybe after the mace is gone from his system. I think it’s affecting him worse than it is us girls.

“SON OF A BITCH, LIZ! Will you let go of my hair? It was an accident,” Claire yells from behind me. “And I can hear you calling me a dumb f*ck whore. I may be blind but I can still hear!”

“Then hear this, you dumb f*ck whore! Sleep with one eye open. When I can see again, I will straight up shank you with a whittled down stiletto,” Liz threatens with her eyes squeezed shut as she crazily swings her arms around trying to reach Claire, who managed to escape from her clutches, drop to the ground, and crawl away.

Alright, so maybe everyone has ingested a bit too much mace.





Chapter 11 – Womb Hugging and Penis Loving


“YOU DID WHAT?!”

I wince at the sound of Jenny’s screech as she throws the cold, wet towel off of her eyes and glares at me.

I can’t help it. I laugh. She looks like she has hickies all around her eyes. They are puffy and red and right now it’s really hard to look right at her.

“Look at me when I’m talking to you!”

Shit.

I actually do feel really bad that she was maced. She looks like hell and I’m sure it doesn’t feel that great.

When I had got a phone call from some person named Doctor Madison telling me she received a text from my wife saying, “I pooped on the police and killed an ambulance. Bring handcuffs,” I was a little confused, albeit intrigued. Who was I to judge my wife’s kinkiness? I called Jenny right away and could only hear screaming and crying in the background and something about her eyes melting. When I got to the scene, my father was curled up in the fetal position in the parking lot where he crawled as far away from the girls as he could. He made me promise that I would keep Liz at least ten to twenty feet away from him at all times because she threatened to dig out his eyes with her belt buckle and he really thought she’d do it.

After getting my dad, Liz, and Claire home, I admitted to Jenny in the car about hiring my dad to follow her. I had figured it was safer that way. She wouldn’t kill me while she was half blind and I was driving. She had ignored me the rest of the way home.

Now we are here, and she is only a few feet away from a kitchen full of sharp objects.

“You’re telling me, you thought I was FAKING A WORK INJURY and you had your dad follow me? I thought I had some crazy stalker tailing me all day and he was going to induct me.”

Yep, full on laughing right now. There’s no hope for me. I’ve already accepted my fate of sleeping on the couch for the rest of eternity.

“Was this stalker going to induct you into the Stupid Crime Stoppers Hall of Fame?”

Jenny grabs the wet towel from the couch and re-covers her eyes, resting her head on the back of the couch.

“I can’t even look at you right now I’m so angry. Why in the hell would you think I was faking an injury and trying to cheat Claire out of money? And your father? Really? You actually hired your insane father to follow me around? Did you see what he was wearing? Full on camouflage, a hat with branches glued to the top of it, and leaves painted all over his face. That is not normal, Drew.”