Toxic (Denazen #2)(95)

I dropped the pot and kicked it hard across the room. That could be her. Dez. Nothing more than memories and dust, all because I couldn’t do this.

“Hey,” Jade said, coming up behind me. She was standing very close. I could smell the sweet scent of her perfume—something fruity that would have given Dez a headache. “Look at me. You can do this.”

I turned to face her. She’d moved even closer and was now nearly pressed against me. Her eyes kept fluttering. It was understandable. The dust in this house was thick. “Did you get something in your eye?”

She seemed surprised by the question. Stepping back and giving me an odd look, she said, “I—you—no.”

I sighed and fell back against the wall. “Maybe if Dez had come with us, I’d be able to concentrate.”

“Just the opposite,” Jade snapped. “Besides, I think this space is good for you. It’s giving you a chance to find out who you are without someone telling you.”

Unfortunately, I knew who I was. And I didn’t like it. Jade didn’t understand that the only time it was bearable was when Dez was with me. When she looked at me. In her eyes, I was perfect and pure. Not the dark thing I knew myself to be.

This girl didn’t like Dez. That much I could see—and the feeling was mutual. It was amusing to me. Neither would admit it, but they had a lot in common. Both stubborn and strong, they’d each been forced to face horrible things much too early in life.

“Did you ever stop to think that maybe your inability to touch Dez was a sign from the universe?”

“The universe? You mean, like God?” That worried me. I wasn’t sure I believed in a higher power, as Ginger put it, but if he was real, surely I was on his bad side because of all the things I’d done.

“Let’s move out to the backyard,” Jade said, taking my hand. Her skin was warm and soft, but there was no comparison to Dez. Still, I didn’t pull away in fear that it’d hurt her feelings. “It’s a beautiful night, and there’s plenty of green out there.”

She was right. The night air was cool and relieved some of the tension I felt. I was frustrated, and there was no way I could concentrate. Not when I knew Dez was hiding something. It involved those twins—mainly Able—and that worried me. “She’s lying to me.”

Jade picked a leaf from the tree to her right and stepped into my path. Holding the leaf out, she asked, “Who?”

I knew what would happen, but I took it from her anyway. The minute my fingers—thumb and pointer—closed around its thin stem, it shriveled and blew away, tiny bits catching on the edge of Jade’s hair. “Dez. There’s something she’s keeping from me. She told me earlier.”

“This is why you’re making no progress. I told you, this is all tied up in emotion. You need to clear your mind. Let it all go.”

Why didn’t she understand that it was impossible? This was Dez. How could I let it all go when there was so obviously something going on? “She said it was to protect me.”

Jade looked annoyed. “Protect you? Unlikely. Someone like you doesn’t need protecting. Personally, I think it’s something else.”

“Something else?” It took a moment, but I realized what she was going to say before she spoke the words out loud. And even though I knew it wasn’t true, anger bubbled in my gut.

“I’d be a really horrible friend if I didn’t point this out, Kale. But really, don’t you see the way she looks at Alex? They’ve got history together. He’s obviously still got a thing for her, and I’ve seen the way she looks at him. She feels the same way.”

I flexed my fingers. Pointer. Middle. Ring. Pinkie. Thumb. Then I counted to five. There would always be a small amount of concern for Alex. Dez denied it, but I knew it was true. I could see it when she looked at him. Even the most fleeting glance spoke volumes, but that’s where it ended. She’d told me I was her future—and Dez had never lied to me. “You’re wrong. He hurt her.”

Her lips twisted downward, and I didn’t appreciate the look she gave me. Pity. “And you did, too. You almost killed her.”

All the air expelled from my lungs like I’d been kicked. “I didn’t—” Suddenly there wasn’t enough air. I knew what I’d done. I’d relived the moment a thousand times since that night on the crane. “That wasn’t my fault. I would never—”

Jade came closer and took my hand in hers. “I know you didn’t mean it, but Dez runs on pure emotion. She’s an all-or-nothing kind of girl. She can’t touch you, and maybe that’s just too much for her. Alex is available, interested, and she can touch him.”

She was wrong. “You don’t know her.”

“She saved you from Denazen. I get it. It’s totally natural to feel attached to her because of that—”

“I love Dez,” I said. I’d told Jade this countless times over the last few days. I wasn’t blind. It was obvious that she was attracted to me. But I’d made it clear.

“Are you sure? Maybe you should take a break from the Sanctuary. Go out and see the world. Get to know yourself. I’m not trying to confuse you, but Kale, if you’ve only been able to be with her, how do you know there’s not someone else out there?”

“Dez said that to me once.”