Thicker Than Blood (Thicker Than Blood #1)(79)

“I like you,” I told him, and reached for him. Cupping his cheek, I pulled him forward and kissed him gently on the mouth. It was Alex who deepened the kiss, slowly pushing me back until I was lying flat on the bed with him propped up over me.

“I love you,” he said, and then, before I could respond or do much of anything other than gasp at his words, he kissed me. It was a deep kiss, a very thorough kiss, a kiss that made my body go soft and weak beneath him. It was a kiss that made me forget about my anger, my hunger…my everything.

He broke our kiss and I relaxed into him, suddenly content with simply holding him. Content with simply being near him. I didn’t love him, not in the way I’d loved Thomas, but then again, the world had been different then, and I had been different too. This was the new world, full of fast-paced living because there were no more guarantees, no rainbow to reach the end of. There would be no one to jump out and exclaim, “Surprise! You’re on Candid Camera! Sorry for scaring the shit out of you and making you suffer for the past four years!”

This was all we had, this right here and right now. So I decided in that moment that it didn’t matter how much or in what way that I loved Alex, only that some part of me did.

? ? ?

“Where are you taking me?” I asked Alex. Jogging through the throng of people gathered outside as he pulled me along with him, I was struggling to keep up. My legs were much shorter than his, so I had to work twice as hard just to keep from being dragged on the ground behind him.

“You’ll see,” he said, glancing at me over his shoulder and grinning.

Another grin. How many was that now? Two, three?

His smiles, the genuine ones, and his full-fledged grins, were a sight to behold. They were so few and far between, causing his hard features to soften, giving him this overall youthful and playful look. They made me feel giddy and excited, especially when they were directed at me, or because of me.

Was this what happiness was like? It had been so long since I’d experienced any form of it, so long since I’d known what it was like to simply clutch the hand of a man, to see him smile at me and find myself returning that smile. Was this how it had been with Thomas?

I tried to remember, to wade through the last four years of muddied horrors back to when I’d been married. I remembered our first kiss, the day he’d proposed, the day we were married, the day we found out I couldn’t have children and he’d held me so tightly while I cried. Thomas had rocked me, soothed me, told me that it didn’t matter, that I was all he’d ever need.

Had his smiles made my belly flutter? Yes, they had. Did the warmth of his hand on mine spread throughout my entire body? Yes, it had.

It was an odd sort of sensation, this sliver of happiness that had been thrust so unexpectedly into my lap, and along with it had come twinges of guilt as well, as if I were somehow betraying Thomas by falling for another man.

But I shook those feelings away because if Thomas had known all I’d endured, if he’d known what Lawrence had done to me, or even had a glimpse of what the world was today, he would never begrudge me something that made me smile, that melted the ever-present cold inside me. He’d been a great man, a kind man, a man who’d put others’ needs and wants before his own. He’d been a man…like Alex.

Many times I’d already compared the two men, Thomas and Alex, more or less hoping that Thomas would approve of Alex, maybe even like him. But the more I thought about Thomas, remembering exactly the kind of man he’d been, the more I knew I was no longer just hoping.

Thomas would have liked him, simply because Alex made me happy.

I was still smiling, oblivious to the people shoving past me, to the incessant shouting that seemed to come from every corner of this place, reminiscent of a twenty-four-hour carnival. There was so much noise, too much noise, but today it didn’t bother me or leave me feeling like a lowly sheep among prized cattle. Today I was smiling.

He finally came to a stop at the far end of the complex, outside a small but colorful awning with heavy flaps hanging down on all sides, hiding whatever was within. Alex gripped a tent flap, about to pull it open when a man appeared beside us. I recognized him instantly, remembered he was one of several bartenders from the club last night.

“What’s up, man?” He offered Alex his hand, and Alex dropped mine in order to shake it.

They were roughly the same size, Alex being just a tad taller with a good half inch more muscle mass. They even appeared to be around the same age, both in their early twenties, but whereas Alex was tanned, his hair and features dark, this man was dirty blond, his skin as pale as mine.

“She’s yours, yeah?” the man asked, jerking his chin in my direction.

Alex dropped the man’s hand. “Yeah,” he said gruffly, his carefree demeanor dissipating.

“Heard you got two of ’em,” the man continued. “And if the other one can dance half as good as this one, I was thinking you might be interested in having ’em do a private show for some of the guys. Figured you wouldn’t be opposed to some girl-on-girl action. Ain’t no one going to be touching either of them, not with your mark on ’em.”

My smile fell away, disgust causing the warmth inside me to quickly cool. The bitter realization hit me that no matter how much happiness I could eke out for myself, nothing could ever truly block out the sad state of the world around me.