The Words We Leave Unspoken(71)

She sniffs and nods and we look at each other, our eyes locking as if a silent pact passes between us.

“Now let’s go get you ready. You’re getting married today,” I say with a smile, my mind whirling with Charley’s pregnancy news. An odd sense of relief lodges itself in the pit of my stomach knowing without doubt that Charley is going to need me now more than ever. I almost feel ashamed at the things that bring me comfort. “Okay?”

“Okay,” she whispers. I hand her a tissue from my purse, rev the engine, and take off back toward the hotel. I glance at the clock on the dashboard, thinking that we just might make it in time.



I stand stiffly in my long dress; its light, sheer fabric blowing in the breeze as I watch Olivia and Max walk down the white carpeted aisle toward the arch where Grey and Charley will be exchanging their vows shortly. The bay sits in the background, bustling with sailboats, creating a view so sharp and flawless it’s as if someone painted it for this very occasion.

Olivia’s blonde hair is swept up off her shoulders, showcasing her olive skin and the sharp angles of her arms and back. She looks beautiful and so grown-up in her steel-blue dress that matches my own. It calls to mind the passing of time.

Time has slipped away, although I can’t say that it has gone by unnoticed. Each morning I wake and take in my surroundings, thankful for another day. It hasn’t been easy. Illness looms constantly; a simple cold lands me in the hospital for days. I endure blood tests, scans, doctor appointments, and the sixteen prescription medications that line the counter in my bathroom, out of my children’s sight. But I do it all for them, and I’d do it all over again if I had to. I move forward, taking one day at a time with the notion that none of us know what lies ahead. Anything could happen to any one of us at any time. And so I do whatever it takes, whatever buys me another day or another year to watch my kids grow, to be with John.

I’ve learned to let go. To ask for help. To love without condition. To say aloud the words that I normally would keep to myself, knowing that I might not get the chance to say them tomorrow.

Olivia and Max reach the front and veer to their respective sides. I can see the hint of Max’s dimples as he straightens his tuxedo jacket and gazes over the small crowd that has gathered to witness this special day. Even at ten, Max seems grown up, older than his peers, and every bit as handsome as John. Olivia stands confident, holding her small bouquet of lilies.

Mrs. Preston walks down next, flanked by Grey’s brothers, as they escort her to her seat beside Grey’s father. John follows, escorting my mother to the front row, where she sits alone but without care. My mother has never looked more exquisite, happiness replacing the fine lines that once carved out her features like a road map of her past. As if the truth really has set her free.

“Ready?” I hear from behind me and turn to face Charley. She is gorgeous in her white strapless gown that gathers tightly around her tiny waist, hugging her flowing curves at the hips where it bells slightly and stretches elegantly to her feet. She is radiant, timeless really, with her hair swept up save for the few curled tendrils that fall gently around her face. Although I see the fear in her eyes, the uncertainty that lies beneath her beauty, the vulnerability.

“You look amazing, Charley.”

“Thank you,” she says, blowing out a long, shaky breath through pursed lips. I watch her eyes flash past me and something settles over her face. An ease, a confidence that was not there moments before. And when I turn to follow her gaze, I see Grey standing under the arch with John beside him, fulfilling his best man duties. Grey is beaming at Charley with liquid eyes and Charley is wholeheartedly gushing. And all at once it hits me that Grey is Charley’s home. She has finally found her constant, her star to guide her, her true self. A lone tear slips from the corner of my eye as I feel the curve of a smile stretch across my face. Standing here, watching everyone I love bathed in happiness on a beautiful, sunny day fills me with a sense of peace, a fulfillment that I find hard to describe.

I reach over and grab Charley’s hand and whisper, “I love you,” not wanting to hold anything back, wondering if I have ever told her.

I feel her squeeze my hand and whisper back, “I love you too.” And then on cue, I grasp my bouquet, step forward and begin my walk toward everything that I love, feeling overwhelming gratitude that I’m here, that I get to be part of this day, that I am surrounded by so much love.





Four Years After That...





Charley


The end came two weeks after Harper’s third birthday. As hard as Gwen fought, it was a moment of utter peace. Knowing the end is coming and the actual second that it does are two very different things. We are all holding up as best as can be expected.

I see Gwen with each glance in the mirror, as if her hazel eyes are staring back at me. The one feature we have always shared, our one physical link. In the end, I struggled with the guilt of moving forward, the guilt of feeling so much happiness in my life, a life that was only just beginning when Gwen’s own life was slowly fading to an end. Knowing that Gwen was fighting so hard to freeze time, to live in the moment, to never think of what lie in wait around the bend. But I see now that guilt is useless, a waste of time. Instead, I try to harness Gwen’s strength and live each day like she would, to be the kind of mother to Harper that she would be proud of.