The Words We Leave Unspoken(67)
“There’s a tiny inscription on the inside,” he says and I immediately pull the ring off my finger and examine the inside of the band. In tiny cursive letters, so small one would never see it unless they knew it was there, it says, “beyond forever.”
Tears spring to my eyes at the significance. “Oh John, I love you,” I say, slipping the ring back on my finger and pulling him close.
“Gwen, I mean it. I will always love you, no matter what,” he says with tears in his eyes. “Always. It will always be you.”
I nod through my own tears. I know exactly what he means. We don’t talk about the inevitable, but it’s always there just on the periphery. And John’s promise to love me forever now holds a new meaning than it did on our wedding day.
I hold his face in my hands and I kiss him. I kiss him with all the words that we leave unspoken. And I pray to God that this is the first of many more Christmas seasons in my new forever.
“Mommy, Mommy, Santa came. He came,” Max yells in my ear as I slowly open my eyes one at a time. A smile stretches across my face as Max’s excitement comes into focus.
“Okay, I’m getting up,” I say, rubbing the sleep from my eyes. I feel John stir beside me and slowly climb out of bed.
“I’ll start the coffee, you get everyone else,” he mumbles. I sit up and stretch, while Max throws my robe at me and runs out of the room yelling Olivia’s name. I pull my robe on and catch sight of my new ring as it captures the light streaming in from the hallway. I take a moment to admire it, practically giddy with happiness.
I go to the office first and wake Charley. She mumbles a few obscenities at me but eventually gets out of bed with my promise of hot coffee. When we make our way downstairs, my mother and Olivia are already in the kitchen with John and Max. We take a few minutes to sip our coffee and nibble on the pumpkin bread that I made yesterday for this very occasion, all the while warding off Max’s insistent pleas to “hurry up.” Olivia is less excited this year, and I wonder if the magic of Christmas, more specifically Santa Claus, is wearing off. But as we move into the family room and take our places around the Christmas tree surrounded by more presents then she has ever seen, I see her face light up and I know that we have made it through another year with her childlike innocence still in tact.
As John begins to pass out gifts, Charley plops down on the couch beside me.
“Woah,” she says, grabbing my hand and holding it up to the light. She admires my new ring and says, “Nice job, John.”
“Right?” I agree. “I love it.”
“Well, it’s beautiful,” she says, letting go of my hand and squeezing me into her side.
I lean into her and feel my mother’s arm go around both Charley and I as she whispers, “I love my girls.” I lean forward and smile at her before my attention is snared by both Olivia and Max as they begin tearing through the wrapping paper on their gifts.
It is a perfect morning. The kids are ecstatic as they open their presents. Max opens his Xbox and Olivia unveils her very own iPad filled with a long list of downloaded ebooks. I may have gone a little bit overboard given the circumstances, but by the look on their sweet faces, it was well worth it.
I sit surrounded by love and warmth, taking it all in. Never has my heart felt so full. A single tear escapes, sliding slowly down my cheek and I look up to find John staring at me from across the room, his own eyes filled with unshed tears. There are no words to describe what it feels like to look into his eyes and know for certain that he gets exactly what I’m feeling, right now in this moment. From the look in his eyes, I know he feels it too. We both nod in understanding and my eyes flood with tears. I know from this point on, every moment will be like this, a bittersweet recognition. A beautiful moment marked with a note of thankfulness and tinged with sorrow. But most importantly, these moments will never be taken for granted. Because I’m thankful for every, single one of them.
Chapter 37
Charley
It’s New Year’s Eve. After three days of relentless begging from Michelle, the new receptionist in our office – barely of the legal drinking age and still in that college party-mode – I agreed to join her at an upscale club downtown. She’s a petite thing with pale skin and short blonde hair, and the biggest brown eyes I have ever seen. She looks like the girl next door and has the personality to match. She rallied a group of her college girl friends for the occasion and scored us a huge corner booth, a rarity on the busiest night of the year. Also seated at our table are Victor and Sienna both from our office, Victor’s boyfriend Marcus, and Stacey – the tattooed, pierced barista from the coffee shop in the lobby of our building. It’s an eclectic mix of personalities but makes for a fun evening. I normally love to celebrate New Year’s Eve, the thrill, the mystery of where the night will lead, but I can’t muster even a trace of excitement this year. Instead, I find myself regretting my decision and wishing for the alternative – an evening at Gwen’s where she’s hosting a small party with their friends, kids included. But Michelle was insistent and I thought it would be a good distraction. The truth is, I miss Grey. He’s still out of town and I’m still out of answers to the questions that are swirling around in my head. I promised myself that the moment he’s back from California, I’ll tell him how I feel. But the fear of the unknown is terrifying. And so, dressed in a new black backless dress and heels, I sip a dirty martini and watch the mingling crowd around me in hopes of shedding Grey from my mind for at least one night.