The Words We Leave Unspoken(49)

“I’ll be fine. I just can’t... can’t leave her.” John brings his hand to his face and begins to sob. I’ve never seen him cry before and, to be honest, it’s unsettling. I go to him and wrap my arms around his middle and he instinctively puts his arms around my back. And we stand like this for a while, John sobbing on my shoulder and me crying softly, trying to be strong for him. To be whatever he needs in this moment, a comforting shoulder, a supportive sister-in-law, anything he needs.

He finally pulls back and wipes his face, whispering, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay John. I’m here for you. We’re family.” I say this as if it is the most obvious thing to say, but for the first time I understand what this sentiment actually means. Family. I think of my mother and I, of John, sitting in the waiting room all day and night, together although worlds apart, our presence like a wall of protection for our own, for Gwen, for our family. Each of us a building block, part of a supportive structure, not just for Gwen, but for each other. For John, for Olivia and Max. A structure I hadn’t known as a child. It’s hard to build anything supportive when there are only two blocks. With nothing to connect the two, only one can support the other.

“Thank you,” he says, taking the seat that I just vacated.

“Do you want me to stay for a while?” I ask, feeling that I could use the company almost as much as John.

“No, I’ll be fine. Go get some sleep, it’s late,” he says.

“I’ll be back in the morning, but call me if anything changes or if you need something.” And then I add, “I’ll call Mom and have her bring you a change of clothes and some toiletries in the morning, okay?”

“Okay.” He nods and I turn to go.

“Charley?” he says. And I look back at him just as I’m about to step through the doorway. “Why couldn’t she tell me? Why would she keep this from me?” he asks with desperation in his eyes.

“She was scared, John. I think keeping it from you... made it less real.” I watch his eyes fill with tears as he nods several times before taking Gwen’s hand in his. I stand and watch him for a moment, envious of the wealth of love he holds in his gaze as he looks at my sister. Like he would trade places with her in a heartbeat, give up his own life to save her. Will I ever have that? Love like that?

I quietly pull the curtain aside and leave the room. I ride the elevator to the ground floor and make my way outside. I feel the cold encompass me as I step outside into the moonless night. I spot an empty yellow cab parked off to the right and walk toward it, pulling my jacket tighter around me to ward off the chill.

“Need a ride?” I hear him say and spin around at the sound of his familiar voice. Grey is sitting on a bench, his hands buried in his jacket pockets, his cheeks red from the frosty air.

“What are you doing here?” I ask, shocked. I haven’t seen him since he told me he loved me and I walked away. I can’t imagine that he’s been waiting here all this time.

“I came back to check on you and see how Gwen’s doing. I didn’t see anyone in the waiting room... so I was going to leave but here I am.” He shrugs his shoulders and flashes me a half smile. “How is she?” he asks as he stands and steps toward me.

“No change,” I say.

“How are you?” he asks, tipping his head slightly to the side, concern etched in his eyes.

I shake my head and shrug, glancing up at the streetlights to hold the tears at bay.

Grey holds out his hand and says, “Come on, I’ll drive you home.”

I hesitate for a fraction of a second before I take his hand, interlacing our fingers, and let him lead me to his car where it’s parked in the covered lot across the street.

We don’t speak as he drives through the practically deserted streets of Seattle. It’s late on Thanksgiving night, nearly morning now, and the city is quiet. I stare out my window as building after building blurs by, wanting so badly to just close my eyes and make it all disappear.

Grey parks in front of my house and we sit in silence while the engine is still running. I glance at him, his face illuminated by the streetlight in the otherwise dark interior of the car. One glance and all I see are his dark eyes, burning, hungry and, though I know I’m undeserving, I lean in and brush my lips across his. Drawing in a deep breath, he wraps his hand into my hair and pulls me closer. My subtleness turns raw and bold at his hands. And I am lost, nearly begging for escape.

“Come inside,” I breathe out against his lips.

Without a word, he kills the engine and removes the key from the ignition. We break apart in the same moment and step out of the car, the slam of the car doors echo through the sleepy street. We walk quietly to my stoop where I unlock the front door, push it open, and step inside. Grey doesn’t waste anytime. He shuts the door behind us and pulls me to him in the dark. He kisses me so deeply; I ache everywhere. He walks me backward toward the bedroom while he slips my jacket off my shoulders and then peels my shirt off over my head. By the time we stumble into the bedroom, we’re both wearing only our pants. But those don’t last long either. Completely naked, we fall back onto the bed, where Grey takes his time with me. And even when I beg him to go faster – harder – he continues to move steady and tender, generating more emotional turmoil rather than driving it away like I need, like I crave. But when my body finally erupts, I am molten, flowing, burning hot as I clutch Grey’s bare skin in my hands, holding on so tight that my fingernails are digging into his flesh. He thrusts his hips achingly deep, drawing out every last ripple of pleasure until I feel him empty into me, his body a burst of shudders and pants, until we are both melting into one another and I continue to hold onto him as if he is my life raft amid a tropical storm. Once our breath slows, I feel him pull out of me and roll to his side where he cradles my back to his chest with one hand and tucks my wild hair behind my ear with the other. Normally, I would feel uncomfortable with this level of intimacy, a combination of the cuddling, Grey’s tenderness, and the heady emotions from the day but I am so utterly exhausted that instead I close my eyes and drift off. But even in my last moments of consciousness, I can’t ignore how good it feels to be in Grey’s arms or how relieved I am to not be alone.