The Words We Leave Unspoken(46)

Ben parks in the physician’s parking lot right in front of the hospital and I run inside following Ben’s lead to the emergency room.

As soon as we walk into the waiting room, I see John pacing back and forth, his hand spread out over his mouth. And then I spot my mother sitting in the corner. With Grey. Olivia and Max are nowhere in sight. I go straight to my mother with Ben trailing behind me.

“Mom,” I say as she looks up at the sound of my voice.

“Charlotte,” she says and stands, wrapping her arms around me. I stand awkwardly, unsure of what to do. I haven’t hugged my mother in years. She releases me and I start to approach John when a doctor walks out of the double swinging doors, grabbing John’s attention.

“Mr. Porter?” the older physician says.

“Yes, I’m John Porter,” John says, walking closer to the doctor as we all huddle around him.

“I’m Dr. Hoffwell. Your wife is suffering from congestive heart failure. We’ve stabilized her and we’re doing everything we can to treat it. But sometimes the damage is irreversible. Only time will tell, we won’t know anything for twenty-four to forty-eight hours.”

“Congestive heart failure? I don’t understand. She was fine just a few hours ago.”

“Mr. Porter, this is a common complication of Gwen’s treatment. Unfortunately the medication has weakened her heart muscle. Her heart’s been working overtime and now her system is backed up.”

“Treatment? What treatment?”

I step up and put my hand on John’s back. “John, Gwen’s been undergoing treatment for cancer. She wanted to tell you...”

“Cancer? What are you saying, Charley? How do you know this? What do you mean ‘she wanted to tell me’?” He looks at me, completely baffled. His eyes grow dark with fear.

“John, Gwen has cancer. Again. She wasn’t sure how to tell you because it’s...it’s...”

“IT’S WHAT, CHARLEY?” John yells impatiently. He’s suddenly angry. My eyes flood with tears as all eyes are on me, even Dr. Hoffwell’s.

“It’s terminal,” I manage to choke out.

John’s face turns ghostly white. “What? I can’t believe this,” he whispers. No one else speaks. My mother is crying quietly with her hand on John’s shoulder. Grey’s expression is pained but even he is speechless. Only Ben speaks as he addresses Dr. Hoffwell, “Is she awake? Does she need surgery?”

“She’s sedated to keep her comfortable. We have her on several medications to help increase her heart function and decrease her fluid levels. I don’t feel that surgery is necessary; we caught it pretty early. For now, we just wait and give the drugs time to work in her favor.”

“Can I see her?” John asks.

“She’s being moved to the ICU as we speak. Just give the nurses about twenty minutes and then you can see her, but only one visitor at a time.”

“Thank you, doctor,” John says.

“Of course,” Dr. Hoffwell says and then walks back through the doors to the emergency room.

“Where are Olivia and Max?” I ask, desperate to protect them from all of this.

“They’re at Kristin’s next door,” my mother answers. “They didn’t see Gwen, thank God, but they saw the ambulance. They’re probably scared, but I just had to come. We didn’t know what was wrong. I found her in the foyer right after you left.” My mother brings her hand to her mouth in despair, tears streak her eyes and cheeks. “She was just lying there, face down on the tile. I tried to wake her and then I screamed for John.”

“It’s okay, Mom. You did the best you could,” I say. But my heart is breaking. I did this. She looked so awful today, she looked so tired and then we fought. I did this.

John looks at me with tears in his eyes, “How could she not tell me, Charley? How could YOU not tell me?” And then he steps toward me and grabs me by the arms, his fingers pressing into my flesh. His face screams in agony and he shakes me in his grasp and yells, “How long? How long has this been going on?”

I flinch and whisper, “She was diagnosed over two months ago.” He releases me and his shoulders visibly fall as if all the fight has left him in a rush, his face drawn in defeat. “I’m sorry John. It wasn’t my place to tell you.” But now when I think of the fact that we almost lost Gwen today, maybe I should have told John. Maybe letting Gwen keep this from him was the wrong thing to do. Maybe I was blinded by the bond that Gwen and I shared because of this. It was just her and I against the world, just like it used to be. Is that why I didn’t push her harder to tell John? It was dangerous to not tell John, completely reckless. And pushing her today, arguing with her was selfish. I should have known better.

Too many emotions are boiling inside and the urge to flee overwhelms me. I make my way through the waiting room, through the sliding glass doors and step outside to stand in the cold.

“Are you okay?” I hear Ben’s voice behind me.

“No. I’m not okay. I’m a horrible person. Gwen could have died today and it’s all my fault,” I cry.

I turn to face him. “What is wrong with me?”

Ben pulls me into his arms. I go willingly.

“Charley, this isn’t your fault. Gwen’s heart has been working too hard for a while now. And it’s been failing because of her cancer treatment. Her body is reacting to the medication. This is not your fault. And for the record, people fight all the time. It doesn’t mean that you love her any less. She’s going to be okay, you’ll see.”