The Words We Leave Unspoken(47)

I bury my face in Ben’s warm chest and shed tears of guilt and despair that I can no longer hold inside, knowing that despite Ben’s reassuring words, Gwen’s never going to be okay again.

After a few moments, I pull away and wipe my eyes. And when I look up, I see Grey watching us through the glass hospital doors.

Ben follows my gaze and says, “Is that him?”

“Yep.”

“He looks pissed. You better go talk to him.”

I look at Ben.

“And say what, exactly?”

“I don’t know. That’s between the two of you. Listen, I’m going to go see a friend who’s on shift here today, see if I can hang at his place for a while.” He holds my car keys out for me and I take them from his hand. “I can drive you back to Seaport when you’re ready. That is, if you want me to. Otherwise I’ll find my own way home. Just call me if you need anything, okay?” He rubs his hand down my back.

I nod. “Okay. Thanks Ben, for everything.”

“Anytime. Good luck,” he says and then disappears inside. A moment later I walk inside and approach Grey.

“Hey,” I say.

“Hey,” he replies, his hands are in his pockets as he looks down at me. “I’m sorry about today. I shouldn’t have come. I didn’t realize that you were with someone else.” He looks so sad, so heartbroken.

“Grey. It’s not what it looks like. That’s Ben. He’s an old friend.”

“It’s none of my business, Charley.”

“He’s just a friend,” I say firmly. Hours ago I would have used Ben to push Grey away. But everything has changed with so much pain already swirling around us. I can’t take the look in Grey’s eyes. I can’t cause any more pain today. “Thanks for coming, for being here for John,” I say.

He runs his hand through his hair and lets out a loud sigh. “Charley, I came for you. I’m here for you. I wish you would’ve told me. I wish you would’ve trusted me.”

“It wasn’t my secret to tell. And... Grey?” I pause, looking him straight in the face to drive my point home. “I can’t be the reason you’re here. Please, let it go. There’s nothing between us anymore.” I beg with my eyes, beg for him to let me go, to make this easy.

“Charley.” He says only my name and then runs his hand through his hair again. He leans down and places his hands on my arms. I look up into his eyes, a small flicker of warmth hitting me in the gut, and before I can clamp it down, he says, “I’m in love with you. Haven’t you figured that out yet?” He looks at me expectantly and I suddenly can’t breathe.

Seconds tick by as I stand, paralyzed by fear.

“I have to go,” I whisper, averting my eyes to my feet. “I have to go,” I say more assuredly as I slip out from under his hold and walk away. I have to think of Gwen right now, I scold myself. I can’t deal with this right now, I tell myself. But deep in the crevices of my mind a tiny voice is whispering, Why can’t I just love him back? Why can’t I let him love me? And in the center of the fragmented voice is the heart of a little girl who just wants to be loved.





Chapter 26





Gwen


Small patches of light slowly pervade the darkness. It’s hard to breathe as if I’m being held under water, fighting for every breath. I feel warmth in my hand and I wiggle my fingers slowly just to feel something real. I hear a constant whooshing sound and feel a hard plastic shell covering my mouth and nose, the source of the noise. I blink once, then twice, fighting against the sensation to float away, back to the darkness.

I feel the warmth in my hand grow tighter and then I hear his voice, distant at first but slowly progressing until I sense that he is here with me.

“Gwen? Can you hear me?”

I blink, opening my eyes cautiously and see him clearly in the bright light. John. He looks like shit but the sight of him still fills me with warmth.

I try to speak but there’s not enough breath and my mouth is covered by plastic.

“Gwen, you’re awake. Oh God, I love you so much. I thought I lost you.” He buries his head in my side and I feel him squeeze my hand tighter. I try to squeeze back but I can’t find the strength, so I wiggle my fingers again.

The light is too bright and I’m so tired. I feel myself slipping slowly back to the darkness, it feels so easy to let go, to gradually drift away until the warmth of his hand grows cold and I am lost once again.





Chapter 27





Charley


Hospitals require patience. Unfortunately a virtue that I never acquired. I have paced the entire perimeter of the ICU waiting room at least fifty times and we have not heard a word from John or the doctor. I silently wish that I was a smoker so that I had an excuse to ride the elevator down to the ground floor where I could stand outside in the cold air and ease my anxiety with a good dose of nicotine. It hurts to think about Gwen and what her body is going through. It hurts to think of her lying still in a hospital bed while her damaged heart works rigorously to keep up. Or to think that if and when her heart gets better, her body is still riddled with cancer. We might not lose her today or tomorrow, but one day we will and sitting here waiting for it to happen is our reality. It makes me feel angry, the thought of losing her.