The Words We Leave Unspoken(23)
“Gwen Porter,” a voice calls from across the waiting room and I sit up abruptly and squeeze Gwen’s hand.
“Here we go,” I hear her mumble as we both stand and make our way across the waiting room.
Chapter 15
Gwen
Charley and I are led into an office rather than an exam room, where we both sit in matching dark leather chairs that face a large tidy desk. My thoughts are racing as we wait for Dr. Sheldan.
A dreadful ten minutes later, he enters the room apologizing for the wait. He introduces himself as he shakes my hand and I introduce Charley.
Dr. Sheldan is younger than I expected and shorter, but he has a handsome face and kind smile, putting me at ease immediately.
He addresses me once he is seated behind his desk.
“Gwen. I’ve reviewed your history, blood work, scans and your biopsy results and I’m not going to lie. I can’t offer you a different prognosis than Dr. Rand. However, I can offer you a treatment. We’re dealing with metastatic breast cancer that has spread to your lymph nodes as well as your bones. Unfortunately there is no cure, but we can design a treatment plan specifically for you that would focus on the length and quality of your life. We have a variety of treatment plans and studies show that any one of these treatments could prolong your life by five years...”
“Five years,” I choke out, interrupting him. My mind fast-forwards five years as I envision Olivia as a teenager, feisty and independent as she tries to find herself in this cruel world. And Max, he would be the same age that Olivia is now. Tears sting my eyes. It’s not enough time. It’s not enough. I wipe my tears away with my fingers and clear my throat as Dr. Sheldan continues.
“But Gwen, I’ve had hundreds of patients make it past the ten-year mark, some even longer.”
“Will I have to have chemotherapy again?” I ask him.
“Well sometimes we use chemotherapy to slow down tumor growth or shrink the size of the tumors, but in your case I don’t feel that the benefits of chemotherapy would outweigh the risks, so I’m going to suggest a cancer medication that we’ll inject intravenously coupled with a handful of oral medications to promote healthy cells, healthy kidneys, and such. You’ll also be on a very strict diet to optimize the treatment. You’ll have monthly scans to make sure that the treatment is effective. It’s not uncommon to change your therapy if we’re not getting positive results. Sometimes the tumors can develop a resistance to the drugs, in which case we would need to try something else. But other than that, you can live a normal daily life, the emphasis on live, Gwen. Do you have any questions?”
“I don’t know. My head is kind of spinning right now,” I say as I try to absorb everything he has just told me.
I hear Charley ask, “So there’s nothing else to do? What about surgery? Does she need to have the tumors removed?”
“That is an option that we can certainly explore but generally at this stage the cancer cells are already present and growing, so the need to remove the tumors isn’t imperative.”
“So that’s it? We treat the cancer, basically to keep it from getting worse but we can’t get rid of it?” I hear Charley ask.
“Yes. Unfortunately we can’t get rid of it. I’m sorry.”
I am a messy pile of tears and snot as I listen to them speak back and forth as if I’m not sitting right here in this room. My heart pounds in my head and I feel as if I’m in a tunnel, their voices becoming muffled and distant. After a few moments of silence, Charley hands me a tissue and the simple touch of her hand, grounds me, pulls me back into the room. I blow my nose loudly as Dr. Sheldan and Charley both watch me in utter silence. I close my eyes, take a deep breath, straighten my shoulders and resolve to be strong.
Finding my voice I ask, “So when do we start?”
“We can set up an appointment for your first treatment this week. The sooner, the better.”
“Okay,” I say, nodding my head up and down, reassuring myself as much as everyone else.
“Okay,” Charley repeats, placing her hand on top of mine where it rests in my lap.
“Okay,” Dr. Sheldan says, nodding his head as well.
I feel as if the three of us are all in on one giant secret, a pact, each with a common goal. And it’s hard not to feel the weight of the absence of the one person who should be in this room, who should be part of the pact. What have I done? Keeping this from him.
Once Charley and I shake hands with Dr. Sheldan and I have set up my appointment for my first cancer treatment, we leave the medical center. As I step out of the building into the thick drizzle of rain sheeting down at a slant, I stop and turn back to look at the heavy glass doors as they shift closed. A distorted image of myself stares back in the reflection of the glass. My once perfect blonde bob is wet and matted against my face, my black mascara smeared under my eyes. I look a mess. I am a mess, I think. The glass doors slide open as an elderly couple steps outside, their hands held up to shield their aged faces from the rain, and the mirrored image of myself is gone. I turn to Charley, who is standing in the mist watching me with pity in her eyes, but I can see the underlying fear in the depth of her gaze. She says nothing which, for someone who hides behind her quick wit and sarcasm, says too much. Charley reaches for my hand so I take a step toward her and in a flash we are darting across the street toward the parking garage, holding hands in the rain.