The Ugly Duckling Debutante (House of Renwick #1)(33)

“Meaning you're incapable of love?” she retorted. “In that case, you were correct the first time. You are a fool.”

He licked his lips. “Sai, I can’t love. I won’t. All I know is lust; it’s what I was made for. I became a Christian hoping to salvage what portion of my heart I have left. I find love to be weakening and humiliating. I have done too much wrong and had too much wrong done to me to be able to truly love someone else. The way you want to be loved.”

Nicholas’ resolve weakened when he noticed the look of hurt in her eyes. “Confound it all! I don’t understand you, Sai! What do you want from me? I assure you, as the grass is green, I have nothing to give. Nothing!”

She pushed back in obvious shock at his outrage, but how was she to know the secrets that darkened his soul? The reason he couldn’t deserve someone like her was for her own protection. Yet he couldn’t bring himself to tell her the secret for fear of rejection. How had he gotten himself into this situation? Either he married her or kept the truth from her in order to protect her, all the while risking his heart—not that he hadn’t already thrown it into her lap—or he could reject her for her own good.

His throat constricted, making it difficult for him to speak without his speech wavering with the emotion threatening to explode from him. He couldn’t continue leaving so many parts of his life out from her. Sooner or later she would find out. The truth always came out. Yet he couldn’t help but silently pray it would never be so, for the truth would destroy any future they had together.

“There are things you don’t know. Things I can’t tell you, in order to protect everyone involved.”

Sai looked devastated. “Does marriage scare you so badly that you would go to such extremes to scare me away?”

“They aren’t extremes, Sai. They are truths. The world we live in is not a happy place filled with flowers and chocolates. It’s dark and dangerous. I am not good. I know there is forgiveness. Trust me, I’ve spent the past two years trying to forgive myself, but I couldn’t bear it if for some reason you could not find it in your heart to forgive me as well. I swore I would never put a woman in this position. I can’t. It wouldn’t be fair. It would be better for you to marry a duke, better for me to marry some country maiden who would be happy just to marry a titled gentleman, regardless of the scandal.”

Sai’s face turned pale. She stumbled out of his lap and lept to her feet. She began pacing in front of him like a roving lion. “So you would marry a country maiden over me? A plain girl with no connections, no title, no fortune?”

“Yes!” he said loudly. Finally she understood. “I won’t be able to hide it much longer. In fact, I’m surprised others haven’t caught wind of the scandal yet, but it would do irreparable harm to your reputation.”

“What choice do I have? You’ve compromised me. Or don’t you remember? Does your honor not extend that far?”

He sighed. This was going to hurt her, but he had to say it. “And it’s for that reason alone, Sai, I have agreed to marry you. Yes, I want your body, but I can’t allow myself to care about your mind, or your heart, or your love. I have no room in my life for it.

Her eyes clouded with tears, but he couldn’t bring himself to even look in her direction as he said, “We’ll get married next week. The sooner the better. Until then, I’ll do everything in my power to change your mind.” Because I can’t live with the pain I’ll cause you, but I’m still selfish enough to want you.

She ran away, shoes in hand; she hadn’t even tried to put them on. How did the night turn out so awful? Where had he gone wrong—well, actually the better question would be, had he at any time that night handled things right?

Nicholas was jealous, possessive, lust-filled, passionate, and then as if things couldn’t get any worse, he lied through his teeth to her about his feelings. But wasn’t it better this way? He was protecting her. Sai was young and had no idea how the ton treated scandal. She would be gossiped about for years. He couldn’t bring himself to do that to such an innocent girl.

If there was anyone to blame, it was Nicholas. Maybe if they had met sooner, before everything had gone wrong, maybe then he would have married her, selfishly wanting her for himself. Couldn’t she see that he was being honorable? That this was the first time in his life he was actually putting someone else’s welfare above his own? His chest tingled where she had laid her hand. His lips felt numb from their kissing.

The letter he had received earlier that day had set him on edge. He knew what surprises the next day promised to bring. Information that would destroy any pieces of romance and desire Sai felt for him. It broke his heart to think about the ramifications of a poor choice that was made so long ago. For the first time in his life he wasn’t afraid for himself, but for the pain it would bring to all innocent people involved.

The scandal, the gossip—everything had the potential to explode in his face. People would finally know why Nicholas Renwick decided to turn to religion, and the information would shock the ton to the core for years to come. It was imperative that he take his secret to the grave and keep those around him quiet. Too many lives would be affected otherwise.



***



Trying to be inconspicuous, Sara snuck back into the ballroom. She put on her shoes and a brave face, excusing herself to the ladies' salon to drink some tea to quiet her nerves.