The Story of Me (Carnage #2)(91)
“Mother!” I shriek. “Seriously, you’re spending too much time with Ash, now go. I’ll be home tomorrow. I love you.”
I can hear the smile in her voice as she says, “Go, enjoy. I love you.” I end the call and watch as Benny wipes my spat wine off the coffee table.
I pull the throw up around my neck and pull my knees up to my chest as I turn into the corner of Cam’s big comfy sofa and lay down. I’m suddenly feeling cold and very, very tired.
*
I open my eyes and look straight into pools of chocolate brown and my stomach flips and twists around in a random pattern. He presses a long wet kiss to my forehead and says, “Go upstairs and take your clothes off. I need to be inside you, Kitten.” Never in my life have I done as I’m told. But without saying a word, I stand and walk to the stairs. I put my foot on the first step and turn and look at him. He’s still crouched down at the side of the sofa, watching me. I pull his T-shirt over my head and watch as his eyes widen slightly as he takes me in. His tongue flicks out and over his top lip. Then he rakes his teeth over his bottom, his eyes on my naked chest as he stands up straight and starts walking towards me. I turn and start walking up the stairs. Once inside the bedroom, I pull off his boxer shorts I’ve been wearing and slide into the unmade bed. The sheets are rumpled and smell of us and sex.
Cam walks past me and into the bathroom. I hear the shower turn on and my thoughts instantly turn dark and I wonder why he needs to shower. Does he smell of her? There’s no clock in this room so I have no way of telling what the time is. It’s dark outside, but that’s about all I know. He walks back into the bedroom minutes later, completely naked and his body glistening with the rivulets of water running down his toned body. He really is magnificent and I want to lick him, flick my tongue over those water droplets and I feel envious of that water. It’s touching him in places I haven’t been able to all day and I wonder if she’s been touching him. That’s when my stupid mouth makes an appearance.
“Why did you shower again? You only just showered this morning before she showed up.” He frowns, while rubbing his hair dry on a towel, but says nothing as he sits on the edge of the bed. “Where have you been all this time?” I sit up as I ask. I’m starting to feel hot and angry and I don’t wait for his reply before continuing, “Did you smell of her? Did you need to wash the smell of her from your skin so you could f*ck me with a clear conscience?” He stands, throws the towel on the floor and places his big hands on his hips.
“I showered because I smelt of hospital. I smelt of that horrible hospital smell.” He raises his eyebrows and nods towards me as he speaks, “Now I don’t know about you, but that’s not one of my favourite smells and I assumed it most definitely wouldn’t be one of yours, either.” His eyes are locked on mine. I blink in complete synchronisation with the deep breaths that I take as wave after wave of shame, guilt and embarrassment at the whole new level of bitch I’ve just unleashed.
“I’m sorry,” I say quietly, still not taking my eyes from his. He gives a slight raise of his eyebrows.
“Are you?”
I nod slowly. “I don’t know where all that came from. You were gone so long. I…” I crumble, every single insecure microcell of my being rushes to the surface, to my brain, out of my mouth. They join together and form words and tears and I lose complete control. “She’s pregnant. She’s pregnant, Cam. She’s carrying your baby and I can never do that. I can never give you that and I don’t want to be jealous of her, but I am and I’m so scared. I love you and I want us to work, but she’s there. Already she’s in my face with her baby bump and I can’t ever have one of those.” I almost choke as the words just rush and rush and keep on coming. “I want to get fat. I want to feel your baby move inside me. I’d eat the right things and never take drugs or do anything that might hurt the baby.” I’m making no sense, but I still don’t shut up. “She doesn’t care and I do and it’s not fair. It’s not fair, Cam.” I hold my head in my hands and stare down into my naked lap, trying to let some air into my lungs and some clear and sane thoughts into my head.
“Do you want my baby, Georgia, or do you just want a baby, anyone’s baby?” What the f*ck is that supposed to mean?
“What?” He hasn’t moved from where he stood earlier, still naked, his hands still on his hips.
“Sounds to me like you just want a baby. She’s got one, so you want one.” He tilts his chin towards me. “Spoilt little Kitten, always wanting everything her way, always wanting everything, full stop, no matter who gets hurt along the way.” My mouth must drop open. “Don’t look at me like that. How the f*ck d’ya think that makes me feel? Like I’m not enough; that’s how.” I know my eyes and my mouth are both now open wide.
“That’s not what I meant at all!”
“Then what’s wrong with me, George. Why can’t you be happy with just me?”
I’m at a loss for words, but I struggle on. “I… I didn’t mean that. You are enough. I’m just… I was just…” I shake my head slowly as I speak, “I want to be able to give you everything you deserve. I owe you. I owe you so much and I’m just so sorry that I can’t. I can give you a baby, if that’s what you want. I can try my best to do that, but I can’t grow it inside me and I want to. I want to be able to do that for you, with you.”