The Space Between Us(85)

He motioned for me to take a seat in one of the patio chairs. After I was seated and comfortable he took the chair right next to me.

“It meant a lot to my mom that you came tonight.” He stated.

“It was really good to see her.” I paused, wondering the best way to broach the sensitive subject. “Can I ask you something?”

“Anything.” The sincerity in his voice made my heart ache a little.

“Why didn’t you tell your mom what happened? About the pregnancy? The miscarriage?” I turned to look at him, even though common sense told me I should refrain from it.

He thought about my question for a moment and then took a deep breath before he answered. “Honestly, I was ashamed of the way I treated you. Even before you left, even before you lost the babies, I felt terrible about what had happened.”

Then why did you sleep with that girl? That was all I could think. The deep emotion I could feel in his voice, his true remorse and regret, it didn’t fit with what I saw with my own eyes. He couldn’t have felt badly about everything that had happened and then jumped into bed with someone else. It just didn’t make sense. But I wasn’t about to bring it up. I didn’t need an explanation from him. It didn’t matter. I tried to redirect my thoughts.

“Don’t you think she deserves to know? They would have been her grandchildren. She has a right to mourn them too.”

“I hadn’t thought about it that way.” His voice went quiet with contemplation. “At first I didn’t want to have to explain how poorly I’d treated you. Then, after a while, it seemed like telling her would cause her unnecessary pain.”

“She asked me what had happened between us when I was helping with dinner. I told her she should hear it from you.” I stared at him for a moment, trying to really grasp the forgiveness I had given him, the forgiveness I had allowed and welcomed. I looked away from him, hoping my voice didn’t waiver. “You don’t have to tell her what happened between us. Not the details. But she should know about the babies.”

“You’re right. Of course you’re right.”

I looked over at him and tried to give him a reassuring smile. It probably came across as something more like confusion. I was confused.

“So what will you do now?” Asher asked.

“You mean right now?” I asked, confused.

He laughed a little, his always familiar chuckle sounded older and deeper. “No, I mean, what’s next for you, like, in life?”

I shrugged, not sure how to answer. I wasn’t even sure I knew the answer.

“No shrugging, Bit. Words.” My breath came to a stop in my lungs like a freight train colliding with a tanker. My heart exploded in my chest, or might as well have with the pain I felt shooting through all of my limbs. I hadn’t heard him call me that in thirteen years. He caressed my nickname with his voice and the sharp pains of longing took my breath away. “Shit, I’m sorry, Charlie. I didn’t mean to call you that. I’m sorry.”

I swallowed the pain along with all the memories coming back to me. I pushed them down, pushed them back. I wanted to seem unaffected. I wanted nothing more than to be unaffected. I was a good pretender.

“It’s ok, Asher. No big deal.” I took a breath, plowing onwards. “I think I’m gonna stick around for a few more days and get my father’s house all sorted out and then head back to New York.”

“You have a life waiting for you back in New York?” He didn’t look me in the eye as he asked the question, but I gathered he was asking a deeper question than he led on.

“You could say that.” I didn’t want him to think I was some loser woman who hid behind her art and made a man believe she loved him just to keep the perpetual loneliness at bay. Even though that’s exactly what I was. He was silent in response. Perhaps my cold answer had pushed him even farther away. “I think I should head home Asher. Please make sure you tell your parents what they deserve to know. Thank you for inviting me to dinner. I had a lovely time.” I stood up and all but ran into the house. I hastily said goodbye to his parents and to Reeve and her husband, making false promises to call and meet up before I left.

I had no intention of seeing these people again.





Chapter Twelve


Asher


Going to see her was taking a big risk. She made it pretty clear to me the night before that she didn’t have any desire to continue seeing me while she was still in town. There was a part of me that understood her hesitation, a part of me that respected it. I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable and I didn’t want to push her. But I did want to hold her and be near her. She seemed to only be pieces of herself and I wanted to put her back together. I wanted to fix her. Although, it was difficult knowing that I was the reason she was broken in the first place.

At the park, in the gazebo, we’d shared our demons. I’d admitted how sorry I was for the way I reacted to the pregnancy and she’d admitted keeping from me that there were two babies. Forgiving her of that was simple. It wasn’t even necessary. She didn’t need my forgiveness because she did nothing wrong. I pushed her away and gave her no reason to seek me out to tell me anything.

She also forgave me and that was more than I deserved. And even though she said the words and I felt she meant them, something was still off. Going to her, I was risking her finally telling me to leave her alone. But I had no other choice. Until she looked me in the eye and told me to go, I was going to try to be near her.