The Space Between Us(20)

“But I'm not sure I can do it anymore, Charlie. I can't keep the way I feel about you locked up inside of me anymore.” He stopped pacing and looked at me, a question in his eyes. I tried to take in everything he was telling me. I wasn't really surprised. On some level I had known that our relationship was slowly changing. It was just time to come to terms with the fact that we would probably no longer be the same friends that we started out as when we were eleven.

“What do you want from me?” I asked honestly. I didn't know where to go from here.

“For starters, I just want to know how you feel. You know, about me. About us.”

In this moment, I felt like I stood on a cliff. I was on the edge of the rest of my life and everything after this conversation depended on what I was about to say. Everything felt wildly important and that stressed me out.

“How can you promise me that after this, after we spill out everything we feel for each other, we won’t ruin our friendship? Because I will take your friendship over anything, Asher. You're the best friend I've ever had and I won't do anything to jeopardize that.” I felt panic rising in my voice even as I spoke about us losing what we had. My hands started to shake and regular breaths were stolen from me, replaced with shaky and shallow inhalations posing as breathing.

I felt him wrap his arms around me. My cheek pressed into his chest as he held me, his chin resting on the top of my head. I took a few breaths, very aware of the clean yet spicy scent coming from him.

“There's nothing that could happen that would take away our friendship, Bit. I wouldn't let anything take you away from me.” His lips moved against my hair and I felt myself calm with his words. “If you don't feel the same way about me, if you aren't having the same trouble I am keeping everything on the friend level, I will get over it. I will accept whatever it is you have to say and I will try to move on, and we can go back to being just friends.”

“And you want honesty, right?”

He chuckled and I felt it vibrate through his shirt. I pulled back to look up at him and saw him smiling.

“I was hoping I could insist on it,” he answered. I pulled farther away from him so that there was a little space between us.

“Last night was so wonderful, Asher. You have to know that, if anything, I ran away from you because I was feeling too much.” I looked up at him through my eyelashes, trying to gauge his reaction. All I saw was a smile and a dimple. That alone made me feel a little better about baring my soul. “I haven't had any of these problems you've been having. I haven't really ever given it much thought. I've always been yours. There's never been a question for me. If anyone had me, it was you.” I watched his smile grow bigger, the dimple becoming even more pronounced in his cheek. “But,” I said loudly, trying to make sure he knew I wasn't finished. “I'm not sure where to go from here. My Dad won't let me date and if last night is any indication, I need things to go slowly. So, it seems to me like this might all be a little premature to even be talking about.” I saw his shoulders slump and, to be honest, mine did too.

“I'm not saying things need to change, Bit. I am fine being your friend, for now. Even now, as friends, I still get to be near you, hug you, and maybe even hold your hand sometimes,” he said as he slid his hand into mine and linked our fingers. I felt a shy smile come over my face. “But,” he stopped mid-sentence and let out a frustrated groan.

“What is it?” I asked, his sudden mood swing concerned me.

“Honesty, right?”

I nodded at him, eagerly waiting to hear what was upsetting him.

“I just want to see if you wouldn't mind waiting for me too.”

“Waiting for you?” I couldn't understand what he was asking.

“Be my friend. Be the same Bit you always are. But I need to know that when you can, and when you're ready, you'll be with me.”

I tilted my head to the side slightly.

“You want me to promise you that we'll be together eventually?”

“Ok, that might have come out wrong,” he said sighing and shaking his head, sounding frustrated. “What I want is to be sure that I'm not in this alone. The last thing I would want is to be feeling all of this for you, waiting – patiently – and for you to be on a completely different page. I guess I just want to be sure that you feel the same way about me as I feel about you.”

“Asher, I've never had a boyfriend. I've never held hands with anyone. And I've never examined my feelings for anyone like I have with you. Whatever this is between us, I’m sure I want it and I want it to be with you.”

The smile that spread across his face was priceless and it made me smile as well.





Chapter Six


The next few weeks passed with ease and each day brought new and exciting things for Asher and me. He respected my need to not advertise our feelings for each other in public, but I couldn’t help but smile when he would hold a door open for me, or place his hand on my back as we walked down the hall at school. All of these things could very well have happened before the dance, but with our newfound semi-relationship status, everything that used to be normal was now amplified.

It wasn’t until the week before school was out that things were brought to an abrupt halt.

I heard the doorbell ring and couldn’t help the rolling of my eyes. Either there was a delivery person on my doorstep or Asher rang it just to irritate me. I listened to its never-ending dinging as I walked to the front door. When I pulled the door open and saw Asher standing on the other side, I knew something was wrong.