The Problem with Forever(126)

I hadn’t seen Hector or Rider. Not until the doors opened. The first thing I’d noticed was the chairs, and even though I didn’t want to look, my gaze had traveled the wide aisle and the maroon carpet up to the vases and bundles of flowers, to the casket.

The casket was open.

And I could see just the tip of Jayden’s nose and the smooth slope of his forehead. Ainsley and I veered toward the back of the room. I couldn’t go closer. I didn’t want to see Jayden like that, because I knew that was how I’d forever see him.

As people began to file in to the pews, I saw Hector and Rider. They were up at the front. Both were pale. Hector’s grandmother was already seated, her back to us, her posture heavy.

Rider was dressed much like Hector. White dress shirt tucked into trousers. I don’t know how long I stared at them, but Rider turned suddenly, and with unnerving accuracy, his gaze collided with mine.

I sucked in a sharp breath as we stared at each other from across the room. Neither of us looked away for several moments, and then Hector spoke to him. Rider turned, and I closed my eyes, exhaling roughly.

“Are you going to talk to him?” Ainsley asked in a quiet voice.

“No.” I twisted my fingers around the strap of my purse. “I mean, if he wants to talk to me, I will, but...I don’t want to create any drama. No one needs that right now.”

Ainsley leaned into me. “Do you think it would cause drama?”

I shook my head. “I don’t know, but I’m...not willing to risk it.”

The room was quickly filling up, and I saw Keira and Jo sit in pews opposite us. They couldn’t see us and it wasn’t like I was going to yell Keira’s name.

The service started with a pastor reciting verses from the bible and when he began talking about death, my attention roamed to the casket. Lifting my hand, I wiped under my eye with my palm.

I didn’t understand how this could happen. How someone could kill another person in cold blood, and over what, exactly? A couple hundred dollars? The fact that I couldn’t comprehend such an act showed, despite my upbringing, how incredibly privileged I was. These were things that I didn’t have to worry about, not in the way others did.

My gaze moved to where his family sat in the first three rows. Rider was sitting next to Hector, and I wasn’t the only person watching Jayden’s brother. So was Ainsley. The moment I saw Hector’s face start to crumple, I wanted to get up and hug him. I didn’t give good hugs, but I wanted to at that moment, because his shoulders shook and he broke.

When the service drew to a close, I waited until most of the room had paid their respects before I approached Hector. It didn’t seem he saw me as he leaned down for my awkward hug. It was like he was there, but not, and when I spoke to him, he murmured back words I couldn’t understand.

Saddened, I turned and came face-to-face with Rider. I took a step back, startled, and was about to sidestep him when I stopped myself.

That wouldn’t be the right or the kind thing to do.

Rider didn’t speak as I turned back to him. I rose up and wrapped my arms around him. I squeezed tight, putting everything I couldn’t say into the act. He didn’t hug me back. Maybe I moved away too quickly. Maybe I shocked him. Maybe he just didn’t want to.

I settled back onto my feet and looked up at him. There were a thousand things I could’ve said to him in that moment. I didn’t know why, out of everything, I said what I did. “Jayden told me once, after the day in the garage, that he looked up to you and Hector. I...I just thought you should know that was real.”

The skin around his eyes and mouth tightened. I did something else I didn’t really think about. I stretched up once more and kissed his cheek. I felt his sharp inhale, and with one last look at him, I turned.

Ainsley was waiting halfway up the aisle. She hadn’t come up with me, but her gaze was focused on where Hector stood with his grandmother.

“I want to talk to Hector real quick.” Ainsley hugged me quickly. “I’ll call you later?”

I hugged her back. “Okay.”

I didn’t see Keira or Jo in the mass of people as I walked out of the church, and I wasn’t sure if what I’d said to Rider had helped or hurt. The only thing I knew as I walked to my car was that the bright glare of the sun was still there and the deep blue sky was still spotless and endless.

Walking into my room when I got home, my gaze landed on the unfinished butterfly sitting on my desk. As I stared at the half-transformed carving, I thought about everything I had said to Rider, everything Paige had said to me, and I knew there was something else I needed to do, something I needed to prove to myself.

I grabbed my notebook and pen off the desk and walked over to my bed. It was time to write my speech, and this time I knew what I wanted to say.





Chapter 38

I was not going to be sick to my stomach.

If I repeated the mantra enough, maybe it would come true. I’d been on the verge of hurling all day Wednesday, but at least I wasn’t the only one. Keira’s lunch sat untouched next to mine, her face pale as she read her speech over and over under her breath. The paper rattled in her shaking hands.

I took my seat in speech with no memory of how I’d gotten there. As if through a tunnel, I saw Paige come in. She’d been out yesterday, as was Rider and obviously Hector.