The Problem with Forever(124)

“Adrian was always in trouble. He dropped out of school when I was a freshman. To be honest, I don’t even know what he was doing. We were opposites in a lot of ways, but he always seemed to have money and I knew enough to know it wasn’t coming from anywhere good. Back in the seventies, jobs were already beginning to dry up and there was little opportunity left behind,” he explained. “Either way, I remember Adrian being at home on a Wednesday. I remember my mother upset and crying. And I remember our father telling him to leave. Not sure what happened exactly and my parents never really talked about it. I think they blamed themselves. If they hadn’t asked him to leave, he’d still be alive kind of thing.”

Carl tipped his head back and sighed. “He was killed about a week later. Baseball bat to the head. It wasn’t a wrong place or wrong time. We don’t know what he was killed over. The police had suspected drugs, but they really hadn’t looked into his death too hard. Adrian was just another kid they were scraping off the streets.”

“That’s...that’s horrible.” Did they think that when they were called in for Jayden? I already knew the answer to that. I just didn’t want to think it, and that didn’t say very good things about me.

His dark eyes glinted. “Adrian made some bad choices. Just like I imagine this young friend of yours had. Doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. And that doesn’t stop anyone from wondering about what could have been if a life hadn’t been wasted.”

“Oh my gosh,” I whispered, staring at him. “I didn’t know.”

“You wouldn’t. It’s something I haven’t had a lot of reasons to talk about.” He paused, his expression thoughtful. “Or maybe I should’ve found some reasons.”

But there had been hints over the years, things he’d said that suddenly made sense. “I’m sorry.”

“It was a long time ago, but thank you.” He reached over, patting my blanket-covered leg. “When Rider came along, I couldn’t help but think of Adrian. He reminded me of him—the carelessness in the way he approached life, as if he just didn’t give a damn.”

I lowered my gaze, hating the truth of those words. I wasn’t sure if Rider gave a damn about himself or not. I used to think he did.

“And with what happened to that young boy, it really hit home. I let my own experiences get in the way. I don’t know about Rider. Maybe I’m wrong. I hope I am, and according to what Rosa told me, I probably am.”

My eyes met his, and I knew what he was saying, and I didn’t have the heart to tell him it didn’t matter anymore.

His gaze held mine. “I’m going to try. There are going to be times when it seems like I’m not, but I will be. I want you safe and I want you happy. You’re smart enough to make good choices. I forgot that.”

Oh, gosh. Oh, man. Tears stung the backs of my eyes.

“And there’s something else I wanted to tell you. I know I’ve been on you pretty hard about going to med school. I was wrong about that, too. Rosa said you really wanted to look into social work, and I should’ve listened when you first brought that up,” he said, and I let go of the pillow I was holding on to for dear life. “I think it’s an admirable path, and with that right there, you proved that you will make smart choices. I see that now.”

Several seconds passed where I was frozen and there was nothing but his words repeating over and over.

Then something cracked inside me, and it was a good shattering. I sprang forward and wrapped my arms around Carl’s shoulders, nearly knocking him off the bed.

He caught himself and me, and he hugged me back. For the first time in years, the knot in my throat didn’t get stuck. Emotion didn’t choke me. The tears didn’t fade away. They broke free.





Chapter 37

The butterfly was taunting me.

I stared at the sketch Rider had drawn of me the day Jayden had been killed—no, he hadn’t been killed. He’d been murdered. There was something about that word that made it hard to think and speak, but I forced myself to label what happened to Jayden correctly. He hadn’t died like Marquette from a tragic, natural cause. He hadn’t been killed in an unexpected car accident. He’d been murdered in a senseless act of violence, like Carl’s brother.

My gaze drifted to the butterfly soap carving and then back to the sketch. One was complete. One wasn’t. Closing my eyes, I turned away as my mind floated back through the long day at school.

Rider had looked a mess in class and had barely murmured hello, and it was like there were a million miles between us. At the end of class I had thought he was about to say something to me, but he had changed his mind. All he said was goodbye and then he’d left.

Keira had noticed the difference between us immediately and it didn’t take much for her to figure out that Rider and I...that we were no more. “It might just be what’s going on with Jayden and stuff. You’re not asking for my advice, obviously, but...don’t give up, Mallory. Anyone can see you belong together.”

I knew that Jayden’s murder had taken a heavy toll on Rider, but that wasn’t the only thing he was dealing with.

What was wrong with Rider was something that not only ran deep, but also was etched into his bones and ingrained into the fibers of his muscles.

I didn’t know what could change the way he saw himself or if anything could. All I knew was that it took years for me to get where I was today and I still had a lot of work to do.