The Problem with Forever(123)

I’d told Rosa I wasn’t feeling well, and considering she didn’t take my temperature or force cold meds down my throat, I figured she knew that what kept me in bed wasn’t something she could treat.

My chest ached. It felt empty, but the emptiness hurt. I hated that Rider had done this right now, when he had to be hurting so deeply over the loss of Jayden and I couldn’t be there for him.

Clutching the pillow to my chest, I rolled onto my side and squeezed my eyes shut. I finally realized that I’d changed and at the same time I discovered that Rider hadn’t.

I curled my knees up against the pillow as I thought back to the first day of school, to the first time I’d seen Rider. I replayed all the times we’d hung out and the things we’d told each other. The signs had been there. I’d noticed them then, but I didn’t know how deep the scars ran in Rider. I’d been so wrapped up in everything that I had going on and in how Rider was making me feel. Could there have been something I could’ve done weeks, months ago?

I wasn’t sure.

It had taken four years for me to begin the process of changing and even though I wasn’t the same girl I used to be, I was still a...a work in progress. Rider hadn’t even taken the first step.

Keira texted in the afternoon, asking if I was okay. I let her know that I wasn’t feeling well and then dropped my cell on the bed beside me.

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow I would get up and go to school. I couldn’t stay in bed forever. Saturday I would go to Jayden’s funeral, and I would be there for Rider if he needed someone to talk to. I couldn’t not do that, but that was as far as I could go. I was willing to fight for us to be together, but it couldn’t be one-sided. Rider would have to fight, too.

And he had chosen not to.

My eyes were damp, but the tears didn’t fall as I whiled away the day in bed. The sun had begun to set when there was a quiet knock on my door before it opened. I sat up as Carl walked in, wearing pale blue scrubs.

“How are you feeling?” he asked, stopping a few feet from the bed.

Part of me wanted to lie, because I wasn’t sure if I had it in me to talk to Carl, if that was what he wanted to do. I didn’t. “Yeah, I’m feeling better.”

“Up for a little company?”

I nodded and then pushed myself up so I was leaning against the headboard. I brought my pillow with me, cradling it to my chest.

Carl sat on the edge of the bed, his upper body angled toward me. “It’s been a long week, huh?”

I nodded once more.

“And we’re only halfway there,” he mused, smiling slightly. He turned his head away and I noticed the gray around his temple was spreading, peppering the side. “You going to go to school tomorrow?”

“Yes.” I cleared my throat. “That’s the plan.”

“That’s good. With the holiday break coming up, you don’t want to get too behind,” he said, hooking his leg over the other. “I know you talked to Rosa Monday, and I would’ve talked to you earlier, but the hospital has been a little crazy. With the cold weather and improperly used kerosene heaters, I’ve had back-to-back surgeries.” He looked over at me and a moment passed. “But I’ve been wanting to talk to you. I need to apologize for what I said.”

That inherent need to tell him it was okay was hard to ignore, but I did it. I waited in silence.

“Rosa and I know you’re not Marquette. We didn’t adopt you to replace her,” he began. “The moment we decided to adopt you, you became our child, just as important as Marquette and every bit as amazing as she was.”

My chest tightened, so I held the pillow close.

“We’re your parents, and parents...they mess up. I know mine did. It’s inevitable, and I messed up on Sunday. I said something out of anger and frustration that I shouldn’t have said. And I’m sorry. I know it hurt your feelings and upset you, and I am truly sorry for that.”

Pressing my lips together, I nodded as I willed the pressure in my chest to go away. It seemed to expand instead. “I forgive you,” I said, and I did.

“I’m happy to hear that.” He smiled again as his gaze met mine. “Rosa told me what you told her about Rider, and I want to say that you’re right. I really wasn’t giving him a shot.”

Rider was the last thing I needed to talk about. “We don’t—”

“No. We do. Hear me out, okay?” The genuine request in his tone had me snapping my mouth shut. “I have been entirely too judgmental of Rider. I’ve let my own biases and experiences get in the way and that’s not right.”

I thought about what Rosa had said yesterday about Carl having his own story to tell.

“I had a brother,” he said, surprising me. “His name was Adrian. He was only two years older than me. The city wasn’t like it is today, but there were problems back then. The violence in these streets is nothing new and just like now, it has always touched too many lives. For some, more intimately than others.” He scrubbed his fingers through his hair. “It wasn’t always guns. Sometimes they had knives and baseball bats, anything they could get their hands on, and sometimes it was just their hands. Anything, even fists, can be deadly weapons.”

Oh, man, I had a feeling where this story was heading and I felt sick.