Sunday Morning (Damaged #7.5)(18)
“You don’t know that.”
“I do know, and you know it too.”
Kirk reached out and wiped my cheeks with his thumbs. He cupped my face and studied me.
“You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I look at you and see a shiny thing with so much light. If I dulled that light or f*cked it up somehow, I’d hate myself. I realized long ago that no one would ever care about me, so I better care about myself. If I destroy you, I wouldn’t be worth caring about.”
“But you’re not the only one who cares about you now. You have me.”
“Yeah but for how long?”
So there was the real issue. Deep inside, past all of his worries about my age and being a good guy, Kirk’s big worry was that I’d reject him. He’d rather tear us apart now than wait for me to spring the rejection on him later.
“You think I’ll outgrow you.”
“Why wouldn’t you? You’re seventeen.”
Wiping my eyes, I tried to calm myself. “You’re not done growing. I see you sometimes thinking about shit, and I think you want more than to settle with life. You want to do more, but you’re stuck. That’s not age. That’s a choice. Your life was stale because you settled. You don’t have to do that.”
I blew my nose and took a deep breath. “I know about settling because I was going to settle before I met you. I was gonna find the best shitty job I could and hook up with the best shitty man I met, and I was going to find little moments of happiness in my otherwise shitty life. That was it. With you, I don’t even think about the future. It’s too big to know and way too big to f*cking control.”
“You really are a smart chick.”
“And you’re a good man when it comes to me. I don’t care about what you do with other people. Well one day if we have kids, I’ll want you to treat them good. I know you will too. You treat your own like magic. That’s not something you need to be taught. You just do it.”
Kirk stared at me for a long time, and I saw him working shit out in his head. By the time he spoke, he looked rather defeated.
“I wanted you out of the apartment.”
“No, you didn’t.”
“I just f*cking told you I did a few minutes ago.”
“Never happened.”
Kirk laughed quietly. “Stubborn Jodi Sears will be the end of me.”
“Do you want it any other way?”
Kirk’s dark eyes studied my face again, and then he wrapped his strong arms around me. “Hell no.”
“Then you never wanted me to leave. None of that happened.”
“How do we explain the bruise you gave me?”
“Shut the f*ck up,” I said, feeling guilty for hitting him. “Never happened. I wouldn’t hurt the man I love.”
“No, you wouldn’t.”
“And you wouldn’t send me away.”
“No, I wouldn’t.”
“It was a bad dream,” I whispered as his lips nuzzled at my throat. “Now we’re awake, and none of it happened.”
14 - Jodi
Despite spending hours wrapped together with Kirk in bed everyday, I never thought I’d get pregnant. Based on my sex education class, I viewed condoms as a protective wall between me and motherhood. Somehow, the wall was faulty like most things in Chesterfield.
I knew I was pregnant before I missed my period, but I didn’t tell Kirk. The day I took the test, I left school early so I’d have the apartment to myself. Smoking a cigarette while waiting for the result, I paced around the apartment and heard a mental clock ticking. A positive result would be a bomb going off.
Holding the test, I cursed under my breath and threw my cigarette in the toilet. Next I cried. All of my old fears about becoming Robin resurfaced. Kirk would ditch me, and I’d f*ck any man willing to give me the time of day. I’d spend my days wasting away in a trailer park while raising a kid who didn’t like me.
Except that wouldn’t happen. Even if Kirk dumped his kid and me, I wasn’t Robin. I didn’t like men enough to beg for their attention. In fact, Kirk was the only guy I ever wanted. The rest could f*cking disappear for all I cared.
Crying alone in the apartment, I told myself I was capable of being a good mom. How hard could it be to be better than Robin? As long as I fed the baby, kept it clean, gave it an occasional hug, and didn’t beat the shit out of it when it pissed me off, I’d be miles ahead of most of the mothers I knew.
By the time Kirk arrived at the apartment, I had hidden the test and washed away my tears. I planned to keep this baby. Kirk and I made it, and I wanted it, and that was that.
Except Kirk might not agree, so I didn’t tell him that night.
Or that week.
Or that month.
I got into such a habit of not telling him that making my big announcement soon felt impossible.
Kirk was relaxed with our situation. He stopped all of the bitching about our ages and enjoyed my company. We were happy, and I didn’t plan to stop being happy. The truth could wait until the right time, or until the baby fell out of me. I was leaning toward the latter.
Three months after I peed on the test, I was cramming for finals. Kirk was at a club meeting and didn’t plan to be home for hours. When he finally arrived, he walked into the kitchen and returned with a beer in his hand. He took a gulp while studying me.