Stranger Than Fanfiction(69)
“We apologize for our friend,” Topher said. “He’s going through a lot right now. I’ll go talk to him.”
Darla put out a hand to block Topher from following Cash.
“Let me handle this,” she said confidently. “As part of my Ufology doctorate I was required to take several courses on counseling and crisis management. You guys enjoy the tower and I’ll have a word with your friend.”
Before the others could tell her it wasn’t a good idea, Darla Plemons hurried down the spiral staircase after the upset actor. Cash was smoking in the shade of a concrete pillar when she found him.
“That was quite the scene back there,” Darla said.
“Sorry, lady,” Cash said. “I didn’t mean to be rude, I’ve just had a really bad week.”
“You’re that actor from Wiz Kids, aren’t you?” she asked. “Cash Carter, if memory serves me correctly.”
“Let me guess, you watch The Panel or read Star Magazine?” he asked.
“No, I recognize you because we’ve met before,” she said. “You don’t remember me, do you?”
Cash shrugged. “Were we abducted together and I can’t recall it because the aliens wiped my memory?”
Darla crossed her arms and looked him up and down with a grin. Her voice became deeper, she stood a little taller, and her wacky demeanor melted away.
“No, I used to be an entertainment lawyer at Weinstock Harrison Krueger,” she said. “My name isn’t Darla Plemons, it’s Diane Feldgate. I helped negotiate your first Wiz Kids contract with Carl Weinstock. Does that ring a bell?”
Cash suddenly felt like he was having an out-of-body experience similar to an alien abduction. He recognized Diane from a meeting he had years ago, before Wiz Kids even started. Diane walked toward him with a much more confident stroll than she had inside and smelled his secondhand smoke like it was a bouquet of roses.
“Are those Marlboro Lights?” she asked. “Can I bum one off of you?”
The actor obliged and lit the cigarette for her. The crazy alien lady took an impressively long drag and blew it in his face.
“What in God’s name happened to you?” Cash asked. “Did you get caught stealing from the firm or something? How did you end up in a place like this?”
“Typical,” she said. “Whenever someone leaves the entertainment industry, everyone still in the entertainment industry sees it as a giant step backward—like some detrimental failure. Would you even believe me if I told you I left because I wanted to?”
“Of course I would,” Cash said. “I just don’t understand why.”
“It’s hard being a rule keeper in an industry that doesn’t have any rules,” Diane said. “It’s enough to drive you crazy. So I left while I still had some of my sanity.”
“So that’s why you moved to the desert to work inside a flying saucer? Because you were sane?” he asked. “I get leaving the industry, but why sell tacky T-shirts instead of practicing a different kind of law?”
“I thought it’d be a hoot and a nice change of pace—and I was right,” she said. “Elmer and Essie’s son, Doug Fitzpatrick, sold it to me before he died. I bought it at a great price—practically stole it from him. And I’ve had a lot more fun here than I would behind a desk at another law firm. I actually wrote a book about all the crazy people I’ve encountered in this place. The television rights were just optioned by Bad Robot, you know, J.J.’s company.”
“Yes, I’m aware,” Cash said. “So the move worked out for you. But you still spend your life selling people a lie? Don’t you get tired of it?”
“No, because I don’t see it that way,” Diane said. “People are going to believe whatever they want to—you know that more than anyone. All I’m doing is giving them a place to believe it in. It’s very similar to what you do—you’re just too wrapped up in yourself right now to see the bright side of it.”
Cash grunted. “It’s hard finding the bright side to being the subject of tabloid gossip and criticism on national television.”
“It won’t always be like that,” she said. “Even presidents aren’t criticized and talked about forever. Soon, they’ll get bored with making things up about you and will want you to entertain them again. It’s a vicious cycle of give and take—but that’s show business. You’re crazy to leave but even crazier to stay.”
“It’s still annoying as hell,” Cash said. “I’ve always known people thought I was the character I play on TV—I just never expected to be punished when they figured out I wasn’t.”
“As annoying as it is, you still get to supply an audience with an escape from their troubles,” Diane said. “Take Doug Fitzpatrick, for example. He spent his whole life and all his savings on a silly roadside attraction to celebrate a family legend. Doug knew the UFO crash was bullshit and sacrificed his reputation by telling people it wasn’t—the whole state thought he was a madman. But do you think Doug died feeling like he was a fraud? Do you think he died thinking about all the people who thought he was crazy? No! Doug died thinking about all the joy he had brought to the world. One day, that’s what you’ll focus on, too, not the annoyances that come with it.”