Stranger Than Fanfiction(67)
“That’s okay,” Topher said. “Especially after the week you’ve had.”
“I suppose so,” he said. “What’s this UFO Observation Tower thing, anyway? Why are we stopping for it?”
“It’s the site of the famous UFO crash in 1948,” Joey said, but it didn’t register with the actor. “You’ve never heard of it?”
Cash shook his head. “Guess I was too busy losing my virginity,” he said. “Sorry, that was rude. I should probably explain myself so you guys know my attitude isn’t personal.”
Everyone else sat a little taller in their seats, anxious to know what his phone conversation had been about. The actor took a deep breath and rubbed his eyelids under his sunglasses before he explained.
“I found out this morning that stunt training did begin yesterday. It always starts three weeks before production begins on a new season, and we aren’t scheduled to shoot until the middle of August. I think the St. Louis thing made the producers nervous and they moved training up a month to reel me in before I cause another scene. They threatened to sue me if I didn’t go back, but my contract clearly states I need two weeks’ notice before training begins, so my lawyer is taking care of it. Needless to say, my Black Swan is out today. So I’m going to keep my mouth shut until it all rolls off my back.”
“No worries,” Topher said.
“Yeah—take all the time you need,” Sam said.
Three and a half hours later, on the one-thousand-and-two-hundredth mile of their initial two-thousand-mile journey, the car pulled into the parking lot of the UFO Observation Tower, a few miles beyond the small town of Santa Rosa, New Mexico. The tower resembled the Seattle Space Needle, but was about five hundred feet shorter, a quarter of the size, and made out of cheap tin. It was shaped like a flying saucer and suspended off the ground by five concrete pillars.
The roadies parked the car and walked up a steep spiral staircase that ascended into the tower above. The inside of the UFO Observation Tower was one large, round room with a glass ceiling. The walls were covered in charts of various alien spacecraft and different types of alien species, and photographs of the most famous UFO sightings from around the world. Most of the unidentified flying objects were shaped like saucers, but some were triangular, and others were just orbs of multicolored light.
The merchandise was just as cheesy (if not more so) as the stuff on sale at the jailhouse museum. There were THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE bumper stickers, EXTRATERRESTRIAL CROSSING road signs, and alien head antenna ornaments. There were tacky T-shirts that said WE COME IN PEACE, I WAS ABDUCTED AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY T-SHIRT, and PROBE ME, I’M IRISH. There were also plush alien dolls, posters of Sigourney Weaver, novels written by Shirley MacLaine, and the complete series of The X-Files on DVD.
Topher, Joey, Sam, and Mo were very amused by the items on sale, but Cash just rolled his eyes and sighed at everything he saw.
There was only one employee working and she was sitting behind the checkout counter reading a book on her Kindle. Topher and the others were halfway through the store before she realized she had customers.
“Hi,” Topher said. “Are you open?”
“Well, hello, bonjour, hola, guten tag, buenos días, and kon’nichi-wa,” she said, and stood to greet them. “Welcome to the UFO Observation Tower, where you can find all your extraterrestrial essentials and exhibits at no extra price. We’re open every day except for holidays or unless I have jury duty. I’m Dr. Darla Plemons, owner and deep believer that the truth is out there. What brings you to the shop today?”
Darla spoke with the energy and enthusiasm of a camp counselor on crystal meth. She was tall and thin and wore a vest with hundreds of alien-related badges and pins. The gang was instantly exhausted just by being in her presence. Cash even took a couple steps backward when she introduced herself.
“We’re on a road trip from Illinois to Santa Monica,” Joey explained. “We’ve all read about the UFO crash that allegedly took place here in 1948 and saw on your Facebook page you had some exhibits about it.”
“The UFO crash that allegedly took place?” Darla asked like she was speaking in front of a giant crowd. “My friend, if you think it’s all just a bunch of allegations, then the government has already won. I bet you believe we actually went to the moon and Lee Harvey Oswald shot JFK, too.”
“So the crash actually happened?” Sam asked.
“Were George Washington’s teeth made of wood? Was Walt Disney cryogenically frozen moments before death? Was Beyoncé created in a Houston laboratory as an instrument for world peace?”
This only confused them more, and they stared at her blankly.
“Beats me, too,” Darla said with a shrug. “There’s absolutely no evidence to prove or disprove any of the theories I just mentioned.”
“There’s a theory Beyoncé was created in a lab?” Mo asked.
“When it comes to solving conspiracies, you should never look at the information they give you, only the information they don’t,” Darla said, and winked like a broken baby doll. “And when it comes to the UFO crash of 1948, the government sure spends an awful lot of time and effort telling us it didn’t happen.”
“I can’t tell if that’s brilliant or just bonkers,” Topher whispered to his friends.