Stranger Than Fanfiction(68)
“It’s 150 percent bonkers,” Cash answered.
Darla clapped her hands. “So you guys want to see some cool alien crap or what?”
She led them to the far side of the room to a square case that was covered in a black cloth. She put her hands over the top as if an exotic animal might jump out at any second.
“Before these objects are revealed I think it’s important to give you a little history lesson,” Darla explained. “Picture it—New Mexico in 1948. Truman was president and there wasn’t a damn thing to do but reproduce, raise cattle, and die. Two lonely farmers named Elmer and Essie Fitzpatrick awoke one summer night to the sounds of their livestock going berserk. They ran outside to see what the problem was and they saw smoke in the distance. They hurried toward it as fast as Elmer’s clubfoot would allow. In the exact spot where this tower stands, the farmers discovered a crashed flying saucer and four dead bodies of extraterrestrial beings!”
“Neat,” Joey said.
“Whatever,” Cash said.
“What did the farmers do?” Sam asked.
“What any respectable couple would do upon such a discovery—they called the sheriff,” Darla said. “However, Elmer and Essie didn’t realize at first what they had discovered. Being simple country folk during the time of World War II—and blatant racists—the couple assumed the four little green men among the debris were Japanese fighter pilots. So the sheriff immediately called the military when he got off the phone with the Fitzpatricks. They drove up from a base in southern New Mexico and were at the scene of the crash within three hours—but it only took a matter of seconds before they realized what they were looking at. The military had the whole scene cleared in under an hour and they shipped the wreckage and the bodies off to some secret government facility. The Fitzpatricks were told the crash was just a weather balloon and the bodies were seasick little people who had stolen it. But luckily for us, that wasn’t before Elmer Fitzpatrick took a piece of the wreckage for himself!”
Darla uncovered the display case with gusto, revealing a very thin piece of scrap metal.
“That’s a piece of aluminum foil,” Cash said.
“I see there’s a skeptic in our midst,” Darla said, and zeroed in on him. “If you think it’s a piece of foil, then answer me this: How could the Fitzpatricks get their hands on a piece of aluminum foil if there was an aluminum shortage in New Mexico during the late 1940s due to World War II?”
“Fuck the Fitzpatricks—you could have stuck that in there this morning for all we know,” Cash said. “You can still see some chicken grease on the corner of it.”
“You’d be surprised how similar chicken grease looks and smells to extraterrestrial DNA,” she said. “Trust me, I have my doctorate in Ufology from the William Shatner Online Institute. Now, please follow me to exhibit number two.”
Darla led the group to the opposite side of the store, where another square case was covered by a black cloth. She removed it at once and the others stared inside at a tray of oddly shaped pieces of metal.
“What are those?” Mo asked.
Darla looked around the room to make sure no one from the government was listening. “Those are alien implants found in abductees,” she whispered. “They’ve been removed from people from all over the world who have been experimented on by the tall grays, the short grays, the Nordic blonds, the mantis, and the Reptoids. As you can see, each alien species leaves a differently shaped object in their victims.”
“What do the implants do?” Sam said.
“No one knows,” Darla said. “The technology is so advanced we may never comprehend their purpose. Our best bet is that they’re some kind of tracking device—meaning the aliens could be listening to us right now!”
“Those look like metal pieces from old board games,” Cash said. “Wait—that’s exactly what they are. That one in the corner is the candlestick from Clue, and the one in the center is the dog from Monopoly.”
Darla shrugged. “I didn’t say all abductees are honest,” she said. “Some people will do anything for attention.”
“Just abductees?” Cash said, and glared at her. “Because I’m pretty sure you’re full of shit, too.”
The others were appalled by the actor’s rudeness.
“Cash,” Topher said.
“I’m sorry, but all of this is bullshit and anyone who believes this woman is an absolute moron,” the actor said.
“Dude, chill out,” Joey said. “We’re just here to have a good laugh. Don’t take this too seriously.”
“Sorry but I’m not laughing,” Cash said. “I don’t think it’s funny because people do take this stuff seriously—even when they’re told it’s completely fake, people believe in it anyway. Then, instead of facing the truth, they dedicate their whole lives to making it a reality and don’t give a fuck who it hurts in the process. Well, I deal with that enough already—I don’t need to go to an observation tower to see it. I’ll meet you guys outside.”
Cash stormed out of the observation tower and stomped down the spiral staircase. The others were stunned by the actor’s outburst. It was a complete and utter tantrum and they hadn’t seen anything quite like it come out of him before.