Stranger Than Fanfiction(41)
“The president has to do something about Cash Carter,” Kylie said right off the bat. “Look, we all know fame and success change people. Other fandoms have survived the personality changes, the bad decisions, and the scandals of their show’s star—and I know we’ll get through this, too. But Cash Carter, what da fuck is going on with you, boy? I know you’ve been going through a phase lately, but I never expected to wake up to this!”
Kylie played the footage from the warehouse in the corner of her video. The distressed YouTube host rubbed the sides of her temples as she watched.
“There are so many questions, I don’t know where to start! First off, why is Cash in St. Louis? Why is he at a punk rock concert when we all know he listens to alternative music? Why is he dancing like an epileptic on roller skates? But one question no one has yet to ask is who the hell are these four deplorables with him?”
The footage paused and zoomed in on Topher, Joey, Sam, and Mo’s faces. Their collective gasp was so loud it scared off all the woodland creatures within a mile radius.
“We’re in Kylie Trig’s video!” Joey yelled in disbelief. “And she just called us deplorables!”
“If you ask me, these fuckers are who’s to blame,” Kylie declared passionately. “I don’t know if they’re just an entourage sucking him dry of everything decent, if they’ve been paid by another network to sabotage the show, or if they were planted by the Doctor Who fandom so they could laugh at us as we watch him self-destruct. I just know these people want him to fail! And I’m hopeful Edward Snowden and/or WikiLeaks will answer my request and help us get to the bottom of this.”
“She thinks WE’RE the bad influence?” Mo asked in outrage.
“I’m sure the Wiz Kids publicists will release some statement in the next hour claiming it was dehydration, but just in case the four leeches involved are watching this, just know the Wizzers are onto you! If you don’t leave Cash alone, stop corrupting him, and stop fucking with his career—this fandom will hunt you down, we will find you, and we will kill you!”
“Holy shit! Kylie Trig just threatened our lives!” Sam exclaimed.
The video finished but was instantly followed by another.
“Hey, Wizzer sluts,” Kylie said in a kind and casual tone. “So, right after I posted my last video my lawyers called me and told me I needed to retract what I said. I used some pretty strong words but I was not serious about the threats I made, nor do I condone or encourage violence of any kind. Make sure you subscribe and I’ll see you next time!”
The second video ended, but Topher, Joey, Sam, and Mo stared at the screen for a few moments in absolute terror.
“Holy shit! Kylie Trig just threatened our lives and then took it back!” Sam clarified.
“Every Wizzer in the world is going to hate us now!” Mo said. “What do we do? Should we go into hiding?”
Topher decided to downplay the situation as much as possible—not to comfort his friends, but to comfort himself. This was more than he knew how to handle.
“Guys, I don’t think we have to be worried about this,” he said. “Everyone knows half of everything Kylie says is bullshit anyway. No one would be dumb enough to believe—”
Everyone’s phones stared to buzz. They looked at their screens and saw video messages coming in from Huda and Davi. According to the tally beside their names, it was the forty-fifth time the international Wizzers had tried calling them that day. Joey was the first to answer.
“Hi, guys—”
“Excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me?” Huda shouted. “Did something happen on your trip that you forgot to share with us?”
“What the bitch are you guys doing with Cash Carter?” Davi demanded.
“Oh boy.” Topher sighed. “I’m assuming you saw the video?”
“Seventy-four times!” Huda said. “Now spill!”
“Long story short, the night before we left I wrote Cash a letter and asked him to join us. The next morning he actually showed up.”
“Hold on! You’re saying Cash Carter joined your road trip yesterday and we had to find out about it from Kylie Trig?” Huda asked.
Topher shrugged guiltily. “Um… yeah,” he confessed.
Their international friends screamed so loud Huda woke up everyone in her house and Davi scared everyone at the cybercafe.
“And you repay him by trying to kill him at a concert?” Davi asked.
“He’s not dead, he just had low blood sugar,” Sam said. “Kylie Trig was just being dramatic. He’s only been with us for a day!”
“Is he with you right now?” Davi asked.
“He’s back at the hotel,” Mo said. “We’ve been hiking in the forest all day. That’s why we haven’t gotten your calls until now.”
“What’s he like?” Huda asked dreamily. “Is he just as amazing as Dr. Bumfuzzle?”
Topher, Joey, Sam, and Mo went quiet—afraid to answer.
“We’ll have him call you and you can see for yourself,” Joey said.
The images of Huda and Davi on their phones suddenly froze. It wasn’t from bad service—the idea of communicating with the actor was so shocking they both went still as a rock.
“Huda? Davi?” Joey asked but didn’t get a response. “Must be a bad connection—oh well.”