Stranger Than Fanfiction(36)
The world’s biggest rubber-band ball bounced into the horizon like a deer recently freed from captivity.
Topher, Joey, Sam, and Mo sat quietly as their hearts recovered from the traumatic experience. They were out of breath, sweating profusely: their whole lives had just flashed before their eyes. Cash erupted into a wildly inappropriate fit of hysterical laughter.
“What’s so funny?” Joey shouted. “You almost got us killed!”
“Sorry.” The actor snickered. “But at least I answered your question.”
Chapter Ten
ROSEMARY’S ABORTION
At six thirty-five on Sunday evening, Topher, Joey, Sam, and Mo were enjoying the exhibits of the Lewis and Clark Museum in the heart of downtown St. Louis. The museum was rather dull and its displays were in serious need of a renovation, but the gang wasn’t complaining. After narrowly missing being killed by the world’s biggest rubber-band ball, they found the lackluster halls of the Lewis and Clark Museum very comforting.
They had dropped Cash off at a coffee shop earlier so he could find something “fun” for them to do later that night (and they feared whatever suggestion was coming their way). Being with the actor was turning into more of a babysitting job than a dream come true, so they enjoyed the peaceful museum while they could.
“Sacagawea was a Native American woman from the Lemhi Shoshone tribe,” Mo read from the pamphlet they received at the museum’s entrance. “She played an essential role in Lewis and Clark’s exploration of the Louisiana Purchase, guiding the explorers from North Dakota to the Pacific Ocean, and established communication with the Native American populations they encountered.”
Mo and her friends observed a tacky depiction of the explorers’ first interaction with their celebrated tour guide. Lewis and Clark were handsome mannequins with blond hair and blue eyes, and had chiseled torsos peeking out from their colonial garb. Sacagawea was a slightly terrifying wax figure with a wandering eye, a smashed nose, and a crooked head. She looked more like a Halloween decoration than a national treasure.
“Typical,” Sam said. “She did most of the work, yet they named the museum after the boys. Why can’t there be a Sacagawea university, or public library, or high school?”
“Because white people are too immature to handle a name like Sacagawea,” Topher said.
They heard a commotion at the front of the museum and saw Cash at the entrance. He was trying to purchase admission but the cashier had recognized him and was so surprised she forgot how to work the register. Once she recovered from the shock, she sold him a ticket and he happily jogged across the museum to rejoin his fellow roadies.
“Guys, I found the perfect thing to do tonight,” he boasted. “I got us tickets to see Rosemary’s Abortion live in concert! They’re in St. Louis for one night only! They were completely sold out, but luckily I found a guy on Craigslist that had some tickets for sale!”
“Rosemary’s Abortion?” Mo asked. Her imagination did her no favors and filled her head with gruesome assumptions. “I’m afraid to ask.”
“It’s only the coolest, hippest, and trendiest punk rock band in the Midwest,” Cash explained.
“Is that an oxymoron?” Joey asked.
“They’ve got ten thousand likes on their Facebook page, three independently released albums on iTunes, and were avid Bernie Sanders supporters,” Cash pitched. “I’ve never heard of them personally,” he added, “but after checking every social events calendar on the Internet, it’s our best bet for a fun Sunday night.”
The actor excitedly passed out tickets to Topher, Joey, Sam, and the Sacagawea statue—mistaking it for Mo.
“I’m over here!” she said.
Cash took a second look at the wax figure and jumped a foot backward. “What the hell is that thing? An Ewok?”
“That’s supposed to be Sacagawea,” Sam said.
The name didn’t ring a bell.
“Sacagawea, huh?” Cash asked. “I had Sacagawea once, but it was nothing a little penicillin couldn’t clear up. Hey-oh!”
“Told you,” Topher whispered to the others.
Cash looked around the museum as if he had taken a wrong turn and wound up in the wrong place. He removed his sunglasses to get a better look at his surroundings.
“Why does this place look like the set of Davy Crockett? Where’s all the Superman stuff?”
The others shared a confused glance—clearly there had been a miscommunication.
“This is the Lewis and Clark Museum,” Topher said. “You know, the famous explorers from history?”
Cash was appalled. “I thought you said you were going to a Lois and Clark museum. You guys came here intentionally? Good God, someone save these kids from themselves.”
For the first time, the others noticed his eyes were bright red and his pupils were the size of pinholes. He was also standing a bit more hunched over than before and his head wobbled back and forth like a toddler’s.
“Are you feeling okay, Cash?” Joey asked. “You seem a little… loopy.”
“Oh—it’s just my allergy medication,” he said, and quickly changed the subject. “Anyway, the doors for the concert open at seven and the band goes on at eight. We should probably get going so we have time for a drink when we get there—it’s a couple miles down the road.”