Stranger Than Fanfiction(31)

Although Cash was the only one asleep, the whole car suffered through his sleep apnea. He snored like a polar bear and twitched like a cocaine addict with PTSD. It was the most restless rest any of them had ever witnessed. Joey kept a hand wrapped around the Ichthys key chain on his backpack in case an exorcism was needed.

After the first one hundred and thirty miles of their two-thousand-mile journey, the travelers were ready for lunch. And judging by the strange gurgling noises coming from Cash’s stomach, he was ready to eat, too. Topher evaluated each roadside establishment they drove past and figured a diner called McCarthy’s was their best choice, so he pulled into their parking lot.

“Hey, Cash,” Topher called from the driver’s seat. “Does this diner look okay for lunch? Cash?”

The actor slowly regained consciousness. “Where are we?” He yawned.

“Somewhere near Lincoln,” Topher said. “There probably won’t be anything else until we get closer to Springfield. This is the first place I’ve seen with a health grade on display.”

“Fine by me,” Cash said, and read the ads painted on the diner’s windows. “Oh look, they’ve got a three-pound burger for three ninety-five. Doesn’t get more American than that.”

They got out of the station wagon, letting Cash out through the rear, and went inside. The tables were set around a giant jukebox and the staff were dressed as celebrities from the 1950s.

“Oh cool, it’s got a fifties theme,” Topher said. “I’ve always thought that’d be a fun era to live in.”

“Speak for yourself,” Joey, Mo, and Sam said in unison.

After a couple of moments waiting in the front, a hostess dressed as a sad Shirley Temple greeted them.

“Welcome to McCarthy’s,” she said. “Table or booth?”

“Either works for us,” Topher said.

Cash did a quick scan of the diner. It was pretty busy for a restaurant off the highway. He pushed up his glasses and lowered his head.

“Actually, we’ll take whatever’s most inconspicuous,” he said.

The hostess stared at him blankly. “Does that mean, like, away from the bathrooms?”

“It means that booth in the very back would be perfect,” Cash specified.

“Okay, suit yourself,” the hostess said. “Right this way.”

The five roadies squeezed into a booth meant for four, sequestered from the other patrons, and the hostess passed out menus.

“Your server will be right with you,” she said, and returned to the front.

“Do you always have to sit in the back of a restaurant?” Mo asked.

“Not always, it’s just better to be safe than sorry,” Cash said. “Going out in public is always a gamble. You never know where Wizzers might be lurking, no offense. One time I went to a movie theater by myself and caused such a scene the LAPD had to escort me back to my car.”

“Seriously?” Joey asked.

Cash scrunched his forehead and thought about it. “Or was it mall security?” he pondered. “Hmm… I can’t remember if that actually happened or if it was a story I embellished for a talk show. It’s a thin line between being a storyteller and bullshitter. Which reminds me, I gotta hit the can. Will one of you order me a McCarthy’s Milk Shake?”

He headed toward the bathrooms on the other side of the diner. Mo watched him, waiting until he was out of earshot before unloading her thoughts.

“He’s terrible,” she said.

“Mo, you’re just saying that because he ruined your Peachfuzzle fantasy,” Topher argued.

“No, I’m saying that because it’s what we’re all thinking,” she said, and glared at Joey and Sam until they nodded along with her.

“He’s more negative than I would have expected,” Sam said. “It’s kind of jarring since he’s always full of positive affirmations on Wiz Kids.”

“He’s nothing like Dr. Bumfuzzle,” Joey said. “I’ve always known he was acting on the show, but damn, I never knew he was that good of an actor.”

Topher laughed defensively and tried playing devil’s advocate since it was his fault the actor had joined them.

“Okay, but that doesn’t mean he’s terrible,” he said. “Just because he’s not like the character he plays on TV doesn’t mean we can’t have a good time with him. Mark my words, I bet by the end of this trip we’ll like him more than Dr. Bumfuzzle.”

Mo gave him an epic eye roll. “Topher, you’re going to go blind from looking on the bright side,” she said. “This is our last adventure before college, and I don’t want him to ruin our trip. We should ask him to leave before he spoils Wiz Kids forever.”

“Ruin our trip? Spoil Wiz Kids?” Topher asked. “Now you sound crazy. Every Wizzer in the world would kill to be in our shoes right now. We’re getting to know the real person behind the character we’ve idolized since we were kids. He’s a little jaded, I’ll give you that—but after all the joy he’s given us over the years, the least we can do is let him be a human being. From what he’s told us so far, I don’t think he gets many chances.”

Mo, Joey, and Sam folded their arms and sank into their seats. They knew Topher was right, but they weren’t wrong, either.