Semper Mine (Sons of War #1)(34)
“Stop,” he hisses. “I’m trying to be honorable.”
I relax, tension flowing out of my body. I don’t think it’s possible to sleep when I’m so turned on. My trembling stops in his embrace, and he holds me silently. Safely tucked in his arms, the hollow pain fades and is replaced by warmth. It feels a little too natural being in his arms and a whole lot scary to be lowering my guard the way I have tonight.
As good as f*cking would’ve been, I start to think this is better, in a different way. With his broad chest at my back and thick arms and leg around me, my body melts in his strength and warmth in a deeper relaxation than I’ve ever experienced before. Comfortable, protected, home.
I like this way too much to be normal.
Chapter Thirteen: Sawyer
I wake up before my alarm goes off. After my … issue last night, I slept like a baby, better than I have in a year at least. I’m pretty sure it has to do with the woman whose body is part of the reason why I’m considering the snooze button. One of her thighs is between mine, half her body draped over mine with her head on my shoulder. Katya’s breath tickles the skin on my chest. She’s soft, firm and feminine, an appealing package.
God, she’s the f*cking sexiest woman I’ve ever known. She doesn’t know or care to curb her passion the way I normally do. I value self-control over everything else, but Katya … f*ck! To complicate matters, I now know there really is a sweet girl buried beneath the shell, one who didn’t run or freak out when I had one of my episodes. She stuck with me, talking me down.
It’s getting harder to write her off.
Instinctively, I wrap an arm around her and lay still for a long moment, pensive and a little too comfortable with her in my arms. The scars on her back are pressed to my forearm, their knotted texture deepening my consternation. My scars aren’t visible, but we share the same pain, hidden deep but still present. She’s a lot like me in that regard, and I don’t like knowing how much she’s hurting. Any resistance she gives me during the day melted when I held her.
It’s hard to hate you when I know you’re broken like Petr.
I hate being vulnerable, hate feeling weak, especially in front of someone else. Emotions, self-doubt, and lack of discipline have no place in my world. Last night, I went through all three in front of the woman I am struggling to keep my distance from.
Am I broken? I really don’t know. I was in counseling for all of a month after losing the four guys on my team. My response to pain is to create more distance between me and it, so I can function. If I admit to being broken, I could have my command taken. Even if temporarily, it’s not something I want to risk. The Corps is my life and the guys I lead my family.
I can’t lose any of that. Not even the psychologist assigned to the forward operating base where my team works out of was able to convince me to stay in counseling beyond the mandatory thirty days.
How is it that Katya makes me reconsider?
I want to let my hands travel her body but don’t. Last night was wrong in so many ways. Kissing her, almost losing control.
Not f*cking her when I had the chance.
You’re an idiot, Sawyer. I know stopping was the right thing to do. I’m not ready for a relationship. Katya isn’t the kind who wants anything to do with a military boyfriend – or the military. She deserves more than a one-night stand, and I’m not about to disrespect her brothers by sleeping with their sister.
Sometimes being honorable sucks.
I can’t get over how different she was with me. Sweet, caring, gentle. Talking and holding me when I know she hates me.
Restless and frustrated by the thoughts, I ease out from under her. She’s a deep sleeper, hard to wake up from what I’ve learned the past couple of days. I get dressed then shake her gently.
“Katya, time to get up.”
She grumbles and rolls away.
“Katya!”
We’ve got half an hour before breakfast. I know how long it takes her to get ready and gaze at her, debating.
She’s adorable, her hair everywhere and a sleepy frown on her face. In the grainy light of dawn seeping into the tent, her cheek appears bruised. I lean forward, hoping I didn’t hit her in my sleep.
Definitely bruised. Fuck me. I’m gonna love explaining to Petr why his sister was in my sleeping bag.
“I’ll give you five minutes,” I tell her and stand.
It’s chilly and cloudy outside the tent. After a quick trip to the restroom, I’m intercepted by Carson, the other Green Beret on my team. He’s got a country twang and the polite manners to match. A lot of people underestimate him, because he comes across as a simple farm boy. Close to Riley’s size, he’s over six feet tall with a shaved head and dark eyes.
He holds out a mug wordlessly.
“Thanks.”
“Think they’ll let us take the tent back with us?” he asks.
“I wish.”
He’s the quietest on the team, so I’m not surprised that he doesn’t feel the need to chat the way Riley likes to. I stand with him, gazing into the quiet forest. The coffee warms me from the inside out, and I let myself enjoy the peaceful morning. It smells like rain and …
Katya. Her scent is all over me. It both arouses and irritates me.
“Captain Mathis?” Jacob and Morgan circle us. They’re up and dressed, for which I credit Riley. Jacob has his collection of spiders in a clear food storage dish.