Semper Mine (Sons of War #1)(31)

But it’s not the storm that woke me.

Captain Mathis is thrashing, struggling in the sleeping bag, mumbling names and shouting words I can’t understand. He managed to roll over me, and the sensation of being temporarily unable to breathe is what scared me out of sleep.

Night terrors. Like Petr used to get.

I prop myself up on my arm, twisted up in the sleeping bag with him. Our legs are tangled, and I’m lying half on top of him.

“Hey,” I whisper, resting a hand on his arm. “Wake up, Sawyer.”

He calms at my touch without waking. His head goes back and forth, and I recall what Petr told me about the dreams. He said it was like being trapped in a nightmare that was too real, one based on something terrible that happened. For him, he wasn’t able to get past the night Mikael died. Over and over, he watched our brother die, every night for weeks.

I can’t think about it without wanting to cry and focus on Captain Mathis. The night terrors scare me, remind me how deep the unseen wounds of battle really run. Petr’s body is almost healed, but I have a feeling he’s still having bad dreams.

“You’re safe, Sawyer,” I say. “Wake up. It’s okay - you’re safe.”

They’re the same words I used to repeat to Petr every night when his screams awoke me.

I rest a hand on Captain Mathis’ forehead and murmur to him over and over, knowing that eventually, he’ll snap out of it. His body is trembling, his brow clammy. I take everything in, not sure why it bothers me so much to see him like this. It doesn’t seem like anything affects Iceman.

He wrenches awake and sits. My hand drops, and I sit with him the best I can, one of my legs caught between his.

“You’re safe, Sawyer,” I say again. I reach for him instinctively, wanting to help him the way I did Petr.

He pulls away.

I do it again, though, accustomed to this reaction from Petr. He used to tell me he didn’t always know where he was when he woke up and me speaking to him helped him realize he wasn’t in the middle of the battle anymore. Gently, I clasp my hands loosely around Sawyer’s upper body the best I can at the awkward angle and lean into him, resting my head on his shoulder while tugging him towards me. I’m still murmuring, waiting for him to register where he is once more.

There’s a hesitation before his arms wrap around me, and he buries his face into the nape of my neck. He’s stronger than Petr was those first few weeks, his muscular arms pinning me against him. I relax into him, understanding what he needs right now. My voice helps, but it’s my body that grounds him in reality. He’s hanging on like he’s afraid to fall again into the dream world.

His breathing is ragged, his skin covered in a sheen of sweat. His body trembles in my arms. It alarms me, a stark reminder that he was in the same firefight that killed one of my brothers and injured another. I want so bad to forget, to blame the cold man who let my brothers get hurt.

Any other time, I can. Right now, it’s impossible to remain angry with him, when I’m starting to realize that he’s as broken inside as Petr was. He simply hides it better.

“You’re safe.”

He rests his cheek against mine, his breathing growing steadier and the quaking gradually receding. I hold him and wait, uncertain what is stronger within me: remembering the pain I experienced seeing Petr like this or the desire spiraling through me at the feel of our bodies pressed together.

I shouldn’t feel that way. I don’t know why I do. It’s confusing me when I need to be strong.

“I keep thinking of that night,” Sawyer says hoarsely. “The ambush. The night Mikael died. Over and over …” He grips me tighter, as if afraid that night is coming back to get him.

I suck in a breath, torn between walking out now and knowing he needs me here.

“It’s okay,” I manage. “Just try to relax.”

“Petr was point, the first into the village. I swear, the two of them had some sort of psychic connection. All our intel said it was clear, but Mikael –“

“Stop, please,” I beg him. “I can’t hear about that night!”

Captain Mathis lifts his head but doesn’t release me.

My insides are churning. I had pieced together what happened listening to Petr’s ramblings when he woke me from sleeping. I can’t bear the thought of reliving those first moments from the time period after his return. The hollow pain that’s been present since I arrived at the forest feels rawer tonight, closer to the surface. It’s not the time to reminisce.

I can’t bear the thought of holding Captain Mathis knowing what he’s done to my family, but I can’t let him go, either, not when he’s as fragile as my brother was those first few weeks.

“Relax … lie back,” I whisper. My throat is tight, and I can feel the tears on my cheeks already. “You’re safe. You can sleep.”

Captain Mathis releases me enough to slide down into the sleeping bag again. He takes me with him, and I wriggle and shift until I’m comfortable on my side. His arms tighten around me, keeping me pressed against him. My cheek rests on one of his thick biceps, and I’m far too aware of the muscular expanse of his chest to be comfortable. One of his thighs is slung over mine, ensuring our hips are together. I’m fevered from the intimate embrace.

I’m starting to think it was a mistake not to climb into the bag with him in my muddy, wet clothing.