Semper Mine (Sons of War #1)(32)
Tremors go through him again, and I listen to his heartbeat. It’s been a while since I’ve been held by anyone, even longer since I’ve had sex. I’m self-conscious about my back, and then there’s the issue with Petr. I tend to not have very serious relationships. Most last a few weeks at most. Captain Mathis doesn’t strike me as the kind who has fleeting relationships like I do. We aren’t compatible by any stretch of the imagination.
Why the hell am I thinking about that now?
“I feel like you should know what happened,” Sawyer says. I can hear the strain in his voice that comes from fighting a dream battle.
“No,” I reply. “It’s fine.”
“Katya, I have to. I don’t want you hating me for the wrong reason. I don’t want you thinking Mikael died in vain,” he begins. “I made the decision to send them in. I was as certain as possible that there was no danger, but in the end, it’s my responsibility as their commander. Petr went in first and tripped the first IED. As soon as he went down –“
“Stop!” I say more firmly. Captain Mathis is calming. This time, it’s me who’s starting to panic.
“- stranded in the middle of the street. We were taking heavy fire. Riley went to grab him and got shot. The other SEAL on our team pulled both to safety before he was gunned down, and that’s when our scouts told us how bad it was.”
“Sawyer.” I pull my head back, eyes blurring with tears. “I can’t hear this.” I take his face with my hands. “Please.” I place a hand over his mouth to try to keep him quiet.
He lifts his head away. “We had one way out,” he continues. “One of us had to volunteer never to come home. Mikael-“
My chest seizes. I’m envisioning everything as he speaks, reliving the agony in the hospital when I was sitting two floors up from my dead brother and two doors down from a brother they didn’t expect to pull through his surgeries. Reliving the horror of being nine again and trying to reach my mother as she screamed in the fire, only to be crushed by a steel beam.
I wanted to die the day they brought Mikael back. I wanted to die the day they said Petr wasn’t going to make it. I wanted to die every time Petr wept with pain after a surgery or when he was trying to recover. I wanted so badly to trade places with him and spare him the pain.
I can’t go back to those moments, to the pain. I barely survived it, and it’s too much to experience again. My cheeks are wet with tears, my body shaking.
Sawyer is determined. The night terrors are slowly releasing him, and he wants me to relive the night I can’t forget.
I can’t do it again.
Trapped in his arms, I do the only thing I can really think of to get him to shut up. I take his face in my hands and kiss him lightly.
He stops talking. I’m not even sure he’s breathing. He’s gone rigid. Is he surprised or offended? Either way, I have his attention.
“No more.” I say against his lips and then lean away, drawing an unsteady breath. “Okay? We -“
His lips claim mine. His kiss isn’t the tap I gave him but something more primal, demanding and passionate. It’s not the kiss of a man who has no emotions. His warm lips press hard to mine, his velvety tongue sliding between my lips. He tastes slightly minty and of his own elusive flavor. Fire bursts into life at the base of my belly, tearing through me with intensity mirrored by Sawyer’s hunger.
He deepens the kiss. Not one to be outdone, I match his passion with my own, my hands sliding behind his neck to pull him more into me. It’s then I start to understand the strange tension always between us. It might be partially hatred, but there’s a great deal of lust as well.
He nudges my thighs apart, and pushes me onto my back, settling between them. My body melts beneath his. Any thought I might’ve had about who I’m about to f*ck is gone, lost in yearning and pure desire.
I can’t help the small moan as I feel his thick arousal pressed to the inside of one of my thighs. I wrap my legs around his narrow hips, my heels settling on those perfect thighs of his, and the hot, aching core of my body wet with desire. The clash of our bodies together, the feeling of his hot skin pressed to mine, the most incredible, strong body resting on top of me … have I ever experienced need this hot and consuming?
One of his palms is moving down my side. I want his hands to touch me everywhere, all at once, to brand me and claim me in a way I have a feeling only he can. I wonder what it’ll be like to let him control my body, to surrender to him the way I can’t anyone else. Something tells me if anyone can handle a night of wild sex with me, it’s this man.
My hands skim the thick, firm muscles of his back and chest in awe and fascination.
My god, he’s so strong, so sexy, so perfect.
At the moment, I don’t give two shits about why I should hate Sawyer Mathis. Someone who kisses like this is going to be worth a lot more than a night in bed.
His hand reaches my hip and traces the length of one thigh while he keeps me pressed to the ground with his upper body.
Suddenly, he breaks off the kiss and curses. “Fuck!”
Dazed and breathless, I wait a second, not understanding. When he seems to tense, I cup his face. “What is it?” I ask.
Captain Mathis relaxes once more. He rests his head beside mine, his breath tickling the nape of my neck. Taking my wrists, he pins them loosely by my head. His breathing is fast like mine.