See How She Runs (The Chronicles of Izzy #1)(29)
He headed off toward the kitchen and returned with some chips and a Coke. I didn’t drink soda very often, but when I did, I drank Coke. Ha, I sounded like that beer guy. I sipped the soda while looking at Kennan dubiously, afraid that he would revert back to the distance policy. He sank down onto the chair across from the couch confirming that the distance would be maintained. I hated myself at that moment for yearning for his closeness. I had not realized until the past couple of days how much I had depended on Kennan for friendship and emotional support. And now, I had neither.
“I think that I am going to go to bed Kennan," I said, with a lump in my throat and a sick feeling rising in my stomach. I could not face him right now. I could not face what I had lost and what had replaced it. Instead, I pushed the feelings down, and hobbled to my room. As I shut my door, I heard him curse and what sounded like a chair getting an undeserved beating. Too wrung out to care, I fell onto my bed and into the arms of oblivion.
**********
FOURTEEN
I awoke with a start, having slept another dreamless night. Years had passed without a peaceful night’s sleep, and I realized that whatever whammy Kennan put on me was responsible for my rest. I would have to remember to thank him for it, but ultimately I knew I could not hide any more. I sat up and placed my feet on the floor preparing for the onslaught of discomfort. None came. I looked down and my feet and hesitantly peeled back a bandage. Where there had been carnage there were now light pink splotches. I tested my feet on the floor and found them to feel fine.
I got up and headed out into the living room. Once again, Kennan was nowhere to be found. A few seconds later, a thwack from outside announced his whereabouts. I looked through the window to see Kennan chopping more firewood. The stack behind him was high enough to supply a family of five for an entire winter. Somebody was apparently worked up. I shuffled into the kitchen, putting Kennan out of my mind. Today I was going to have to try and jack into my own mind and figure out how this communication and vision thing worked. But first, I needed some fuel.
I started the coffee pot and rummaged through some cabinets before coming out with some oatmeal. I set about preparing my breakfast, refusing to let anything get to me today. The last few days I had been such a complete train wreck. It was time to move on. For real, this time. No matter if I was on my own, I could not wallow in my own vat of sadness. I was not some emo teenager after all. Adults had to suck it up and trudge forward, and that was precisely what I intended to do.
I ate in silence and cleaned up my dishes. The only sound accompanying me the thwack of Kennan’s axe as he mutilated the poor unsuspecting logs. I headed to the door and stuck my head out asking Kennan to come inside. He gave me a quizzical look, but humored me.
“I need you to unwhammy me now," I said with determination.
“I don’t have to do it yet Izzy. I can give you a few more days of rest before you get sucked back into the fog," he said hesitantly, obviously not sure what I was up to.
“I need to figure out how to work my head, and the only way I can do that is if I am not blocked. Since I can’t hike for a few days, and I can’t do any other sort of training, I thought I might train my brain. Or at least try and figure out how to work with what is going on up there." I looked at him expectantly. Either he would argue the stupidity of what I was trying to do, or he would do what I asked.
“Is this what you really want, Red? I mean, it is all happening so fast. If you want to rest for a while and get better no one would blame you." The sound of caring in his voice put me on edge. I would not deal with that today. I could not deal with it. I had an objective and I would move forward. Focus and repress. Maybe that should be my new mantra. Focus, repress, focus, repress. But certainly don’t focus on the repression.
“I need to do this. If you must know, I would blame myself if I just lounged about while the world is getting well and truly thrashed by bad guys. If I am going to make a difference, I can’t really take a vacation, Kennan. If you remember, I did not come out here of my own accord. This is not some fun hiking excursion for me. So the sooner I embrace what is going on and how much everything has changed, the better." The last statement spoke as much to our relationship as every other circumstance of my life.
A look of understanding passed behind Kennan’s eyes before he moved toward me. He placed his warm hands on either side of my face before bending his forehead to brush my own. His heat radiated inside of me and melded with my own like we were two parts to a whole. I cursed my treacherous body while he set about lifting whatever protection he had placed two days before. I felt the weight rush in instantly and swayed with its impact. Kennan’s hands steadied my shoulders as I got myself under control. I took a deep breath and looked him in the face.
“Thanks, that’s all I needed," I said before disentangling myself from his arms and heading back toward my room. I still had a letter to read from my mother. It was just the sort of distraction I needed. With any luck, I might get some questions answered in the mix.
I walked into my room and sat down on my bed with my back against the log wall and my legs crossed. I opened the letter, knowing that a vision was possible, yet once again, nothing came. I pulled the paper from the envelope and noticed there were several spots of smeared ink and the words were runny in places.
My Dear One,