See How She Falls (The Chronicles of Izzy #3)(57)
“And where would the world be now if I had, Izzy?”
“Fuck the world, Aberto. I don’t give a damn about this wretched place. The only person I could depend on, my home, my anchor is gone. None of this matters to me anymore.” I pulled myself to stand once more, my anger buoying me. I waved my hands around me as people began to close in.
“Izzy?” My aunt hesitated, afraid to come much closer. “Izzy, I don’t know what to say.”
“Make it worth it. Make his death worth your lives, because otherwise, I will summon the damn demon back myself.” As I looked out on the people I’d once cared for a knot began to form. I needed to get away. I needed to escape all of their expectant eyes. I couldn’t breathe as their hopes and fears crashed in on me simultaneously. I had to go. I had to leave.
“Izzy, calm yourself," Aberto admonished.
I rose to my feet, every bit of anger fueling me as I struck him across his face.
“Don’t you dare tell me to calm myself! Kennan just died. Not even an hour ago. So don’t for one moment think that I will be calm. Not now, not tomorrow, not even the next day. I will never be her again. The sooner you all recognize that, the better. I’m done with this whole ‘Izzy is the savior of the world’ bullshit. I’m done being the one to lose everything and everyone I love just for the sake of everyone else. You all wanted to know when I would finally snap? Well, it just happened. I’m done, Aberto.” I felt myself waiver out of existence.
I could escape. I could flee this plane altogether. Aberto had. He’d spent hundreds of years in the fog, just drifting. Anything would be better than this; these eyes staring at me. The people that supposedly cared for me, yet did nothing to keep Kennan alive. If I really wanted to face the truth, Kennan was dead because I didn’t act quickly enough. I’d let my fear paralyze me, and because of that, I’d paid the price.
I looked up at Aberto. He saw it, I knew he did. There was no mistaking my intent. I just hoped that now that I was whatever I was, I could hide from him in the dreaming. I didn’t want to be found. I wanted to disappear. I wanted to be swept away from this wretched place.
“Izzy, don’t!” Aberto shouted as I slipped between planes straight into the comforting fog of the dreaming. Sweet oblivion.
Chapter Twenty Nine
Wading through the fog, I sought out something, anything that may bring me release. Some form of comfort to relieve the pain that had opened up in my chest. My soul ached as though it had been torn right alongside Kennan. Even when my parents had died, I didn’t feel this gaping chasm inside of me. I ran, panicked, through the fog, afraid that if I settled for too long in one place the image of Kennan being torn to pieces would play itself out once more.
I ran for what seemed an eternity, never finding any refuge. Then I thought of it, the last place we’d been normal together. Our home. I wanted to go home. I needed to go home, to see Kennan’s comfy chair and the stupid dead garden that I could never quite get to grow. The last place we’d been able to just be together beckoned me, calling me into its bosom.
I ripped through the dreaming, the same way Aberto had drug me a thousand times. I pulled myself out with a snap, landing in the middle of my old living room. The house settled around me, making noises as if to invite me home. I walked passed Kennan’s old chair, letting my fingers trail across the smooth leather, and ultimately lowering myself into the chair to bask in his scent. My hands ran up and down the arms of the chair of their own accord, as if wishing on some genie lamp. If only that could work. If only I had some hope of ever seeing him again.
Quickly, I moved away from his smell. This was meant to be a refuge, yet all it was turning out to be was an entombment. An empty reminder of a life that was no more. A mausoleum for a future that could never exist. Shaking my thoughts away, my feet carried me up the stairs to our room. That’s when I realized, I never should have come.
As I turned the corner into our room, I came face to face with the cruelest reminder of all that the life I’d wanted, the life we’d hoped to share, would never be. There, hanging on the wardrobe, was my wedding dress. I’d gotten it just days before we’d been called to the Council. So much had happened, so much had changed. How had I so readily given up on this life with him? He’d been right all along. I’d chosen wrong. I walked to the dress, running my hands over the soft folds of the white fabric.
White fabric. It ought to have been red for all the blood on my hands. I ripped the mockery of happiness that could never be from the hanger, throwing it to the ground. I wanted to tear the stupid thing apart, stitch by stitch, so that it resembled me. Shattered, scattered remains of something that could’ve been beautiful. The reminder of a promised life of love was too much.
Falling to the floor, I let myself get lost in the comfort of what our future might have been. I could see children running through the halls, echoes of laughter bouncing all around. A garden that somehow actually managed to grow was just outside of the open windows. Kennan chased our kids down the stairs and outside, pretending to be a monster as they giggled and squealed with delight. A million scenarios of ordinary days played out before my eyes, only they were extraordinary. Every breath that would be left untaken, every heartbeat left to silence, every moment and every second played out before me. The life I could have had, if I’d just chosen correctly.