Saving Dancer (Savage Brothers MC #2)(57)

“Don’t leave me, Carrie. I need you,” he says into the quiet, a good fifteen minutes or more later.

At one time those words would have been more than enough to get me to stay. They totally would have worked. I didn’t realize he thought I was leaving, but I can’t deny I am thinking hard on it. I love Jacob. I love him with all my heart, but how can you be with someone who refuses to help himself? Still I might try it, just because the past month and a half have been so wonderful I might try it…just….

“Do you really not want kids, Jacob?”

His body tenses up again and his arm that he has wrapped around my chest tightens until the point of pain, but I say nothing.

“I can’t be a father, Carrie. I’m not…capable…I’m just not cut out for it. I could make you happy though, sweetheart. I know I can, if you give me another chance. We’ll be happy together, just the two of us, for the rest of our lives, just the two of us.”

His words are like a physical blow, even if the last sentence is a sweet temptation. Can I do that? Can I trade the life growing inside of me for a shot of forever with Jacob? I don’t think I can, which means letting go of the one man who has always had my heart.

It’s over.

Those words echo in my soul.





Chapter 33




Dancer


She didn’t say she loved me. I have come to count on those three words over the last month and a half we have been together. Those words work to give me strength to make it through the day. Carrie is my lifeline. Yet, I think I’ve f*cked up so much this time that I’m losing her. I hold her so close it’s almost like my body is absorbing hers, but there is this wall between us now, separating us. I did that. I put that wall there with my stupid weakness. I should have protected and cherished what Carrie gave me and I f*cked it up.

I live with fear every damn hour, of every damn day. I live with it. I beat down the urge to run and crawl in a f*cking hole and hide constantly. This is my life. Panic attacks and my heart beating in fear? This is my life. Feeling dirty and ashamed and weak…feeling so f*cking weak and useless? This is my life.

It’s always there. ALWAYS! Yet, with Carrie it is smaller, it is less apparent, it’s like I have whole blocks of the day when I can be almost normal. She is my light, and I didn’t protect it. I didn’t fully appreciate it. If I lose her I’ll be completely lost.

Which means right now fear is near to suffocating me and is more intense, bigger than anything I’ve ever felt before in my life—including the night I was attacked. The fear I have now, is a fear that goes bone deep. The fear of losing someone I love. I love Carrie. I. Love. Her. Yes, I realize the irony of acknowledging I love her, just when I have pushed her so far away she’s not giving it back to me. I need to fix it, I’m not sure how.

I had Carrie drop me off at the club this morning, since my bike was here. I’ve been here for three hours, and I can’t concentrate on anything. I need to be with her. I have to fight for her and show her she matters more than anything else. I may not be great, but I know with her I can be okay. I can make her happy.

With that in mind, I throw my tools down and get to my bike. It’s time I prove to Carrie that I can be better for her. Her vehicle is not at the house. I will not panic. She probably is just doing errands in town. I can catch her there and we can have lunch together and maybe go home for dessert. I didn’t make love to her last night and I need her. Over the past month we haven’t missed a night of making love, most of the time two and three times a night. I hunger for her and the way it feels when I’m that close to her.

This could be a bad idea though. I have no idea where she is. London might still give a small town feel, but there are elements of a bigger city in it, with too many places she could be. I start with her favorite. The Curl up and Dye hair salon she gets her hair fixed at is a bust, the local grocery she prefers, the bank, the library, the bookstore—all a bust. I’m about to give up when I decide to drive downtown to the local diner she likes.

Downtown London is probably my favorite area besides the marina and lake. It’s a busy place with shopping, offices, diners, schools and clinics all put together to give someone everything they need without having to really visit the outer areas, which are overcrowded with large shopping outlets. The buildings are kept up nicely and all have an architectural feel of the past. It is modern, but also a step back in time. It doesn’t stress me out like most crowded areas do.

I’m approaching Weaver’s which is a London, Kentucky classic and Carrie’s favorite place to eat downtown when I see her vehicle parked outside the Wellness Center and Clinic. I remember she told me she had made an appointment. Why didn’t I ask when it was? I would have gone with her. I know she has been sick for a while maybe she was worse this morning?

I park and walk inside scanning the lobby for her. I’m about to give up and wait for her outside, when a door opens across from reception and Carrie walks out with a nurse. She hasn’t spotted me, but I can tell she is upset. I walk over to her afraid this might be something more than a cold.

“Ms. Grace here’s your prescription for prenatal vitamins and the pamphlets you should look at. The clerk out front will schedule your follow-up appointment.”

“Thank you, I appreciate it,” Carrie says.

“We’ll see you next visit. Please call if you need anything before then.”