Saved by Love (Willow Valley Book 3)(42)

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Abby flinched at the sound of Ethan’s door slamming. That hadn’t gone well at all. She hadn’t expected Ethan to be so angry. But could she really blame him? If he cared about her half as much as she cared about him, he had to be hurting.

Abby was disgusted with how selfish she had been. She was so worried about protecting herself that she’d hurt the man she loved. She threw herself down on her bed, staring blankly up at the ceiling.

She’d spent the better part of two weeks trying to figure things out, and tonight she’d finally worked up the courage to talk to him about it. She didn’t know how to do it, but she wanted to be with him. She did know that she was going to have to take a leap of faith before she could regain his trust. She just wanted to know if she still had a chance, and that scene hadn’t gone well at all. It wasn’t promising. She wanted to curl up in a ball and make it all disappear.

She didn’t know how long she lay there trying to tune out the entire world, including her own thoughts, but eventually she became aware of a knock on her door. She got up and answered it, not bothering to look and see who it was first.

She felt just as surprised as he must have earlier when she showed up on his doorstep.

“Can I come in?” He looked about how she felt, his hair sticking up on end from where he had been running his fingers through it.

She stepped back to make room for him to pass through, getting a whiff of his cologne when he brushed by her. She closed her eyes for a minute and let herself enjoy the masculine scent. When she opened them again he was staring at her and she blushed.

“I need to talk to you.”

She nodded.

He looked for a place to sit, then realized she still hadn’t bought any living room furniture, so he came up and gripped her hands tightly in his. “I’m about to tell you something I’ve never talked about before. But I think it’s important for you to understand something. You aren’t the only one who has had their heart crushed, been devastated, and not been able to move on. Abby, I had a baby.”

She gasped, her mouth dropping open. That was the last thing she ever expected to hear him say. But what he had to say next couldn’t be good. He said had, not have. He must have seen the recognition in her eyes because he nodded tersely.

“Yeah. Had.”

“Oh, Ethan. What happened?” Her eyes were already misting up. Losing a parent and a spouse had been hard enough. She couldn’t imagine the pain of losing a child.

“It was my fault.”

The tears fell from her eyes now as she shook her head. “No, I’m sure it wasn’t.”

“Well, the mother blamed me, and I’ve blamed myself too.” He took a ragged breath and closed his eyes as if he were gearing up to unload a huge secret. And that must have been what it was. No one else had mentioned anything about it. He’d kept this inside for all this time? However long it had been.

He looked around again. “Can we sit down for this? I’m exhausted already.”

“I just have my bed.”

“That’ll do.”

She led him into her bedroom—definitely not how she thought that would go down the first time—and they made themselves comfortable on her bed facing each other. He lifted his eyes to hers briefly, then lowered them to his hands clasped in his lap. After a minute he began to talk.

She listened as he told her all about how he and his ex-girlfriend Marissa had dated, but not seriously. How she’d wanted more from him. How she’d begged him to stop all his adventure sports and he’d refused. How she had insisted that she come along on the trip to the mountains. And finally about the tragic accident on the snowmobile that cost them both an unspeakable price for their actions.

When he was done, he had tears on his face. “Abby, nothing has ever hurt me the way losing that child did, even though I didn’t know about it until after the fact.”

“Ethan, you can’t blame yourself for that. You didn’t know! How can you be held accountable for her not telling you? She is the one who got on that snowmobile knowing she was pregnant.” She cupped his face in her hands and made him look her in the eyes. “Please don’t blame yourself for it. It was tragic, yes. But it wasn’t your fault.”

He nodded. “I’ve come to terms with it for the most part, but it’s still hard not to blame myself. I was the one driving. She’d begged me to stop being so wild, to stop taking so many risks. But I didn’t listen. Maybe if I had…”

She moved her hands down to hold his. “You can’t do that. I know first-hand. What if that day on the boat with Derek I had insisted just a little harder that he wear a life jacket? Maybe he’d still be alive. These things happen, but you can’t live your life blaming yourself.”

They sat like that for a while, holding hands, thinking about what the other had said. Finally Abby asked, “Why did you tell me this? Why now?”

He stared at her. “Because when I met you, I had sworn off relationships. I’d said I would never be in a position again where I had the ability to hurt someone else the way I hurt Marissa. And our child. If I didn’t commit, I could save people from myself. I tried my hardest to stay away from you. I could tell right away you were vulnerable. That you could be easily hurt. And I didn’t want to be that guy that did that to you.”