Sanctum (Masters and Mercenaries #4.5)(17)

His tongue surged in, dominating hers in a silky dance. Over and over he took her mouth as his hands clutched her like he would never let her go.

But he had. The memory sparked through her brain. Ryan walking into their bedroom. At the beginning of their relationship, she’d had her own room, but that had lasted about two weeks before that fine suite was nothing but a closet and she spent every night in his bed. Once he’d worked late and she’d gotten into her own bed because she had a cold and didn’t want to disturb him. She’d woken up to him carrying her into their bed and setting up a humidifier, and he’d gotten the cold two days later and she’d had to take care of him. How could he walk into their bedroom and calmly tell her that now she belonged to someone else?

She pushed at his chest. She couldn’t do it again. She could never sit there like a hollowed-out doll while he tossed her away. “No.”

Ryan’s hands still held her as though he was afraid of letting go. “Jillian, baby, you said you forgave me.”

And like the predator he was, he’d sensed weakness and gone straight for the kill. “I forgave you. I didn’t say I wanted to be with you again. Let me go.”

His eyes ran the length of her body. “Do you think I can’t feel how aroused you are? Do you think I don’t know the signs? Your nipples are hard, your eyes sleepy. You were sinking your fingers into my flesh and rubbing yourself against me. How can you say you don’t want me?”

“Oh, you did a great job teaching me how good sex could be so, yeah, I responded, but that doesn’t mean that I want to get involved with you again. Please let me go.” She hated how breathy her voice sounded. She didn’t sound confident, very likely because she wasn’t. It would be so easy to let Ryan take over. She wouldn’t have to worry about anything for a while. He really would take charge.

And she would get dependent on him and when the bad times rolled around, he would foist her off on someone else because it was fine for him to take care of her, just not the other way around.

How could he really love her if he didn’t want her standing beside him when times got rough? Because they damn straight would.

Slowly, he released her, his eyes boring into hers. “I love you, Jillian.”

Just not enough. “I can’t be with you again, Ryan.”

He leaned back. “You’re scared. I’m not going to do that to you again. I’ve learned my lesson. I was arrogant and foolish, but you were wrong too.”

“How the hell was I wrong?”

“God, I wish I still had the right to spank you. How were you wrong? You failed to do the one thing you promised.”

What was he talking about? “I was practically the perfect submissive. I was everything you needed me to be.”

He shook his head. “No. I needed you to be honest. If I didn’t give you the chance to stand by me, then you did the same thing to me. You didn’t tell me what you really needed.”

Yes, because that would have been so easy. “And if I’d told you I needed you to marry me? If I’d told you I needed to have an equal say in our lives?”

His voice was steady as he spoke and he looked straight into her eyes. “Anywhere but the bedroom and we could negotiate. Hell, even there, I’m open.”

Sweet words. “Maybe now, but then?”

“I don’t know,” Ryan said with a long sigh. “I was a different person then, but so were you, and we owe it to each other to try again. Jillian, I’ve never felt for any other woman the way I feel for you. I’ve regretted failing you for a year and a half. It’s eaten away at me. I love you. I made a mistake, but you’re making one, too, if you don’t give it a second chance. Can you honestly say you haven’t missed me?”

Only every minute of every single day. “It doesn’t matter. I can’t trust you again.”

“I can earn your trust back.” Ryan reached out again, but he only touched her shoulder. “We’ll take things slowly. Have lunch with me. Once a week. Just give me one hour out of the week and we’ll talk. No pressure. No expectations.”

And she would fall for it all over again. No. She wasn’t going to do this again. She wasn’t going to let him screw her over. She’d been so pathetic, just nodding and getting her suitcase. She should have turned on him. She should have told him exactly how she felt. Angry. Just like she did now, except she wasn’t such a disgusting little wimp now. “I have zero interest in seeing you again, Ryan. There is no way I would ever go back to the type of relationship we had back then. I can forgive you because I realize that you’re just not capable of actual love. You’re hollow on the inside. You’re lovely to look at, but you’re not man enough for me. So you can take your lunches and waste some other sub’s time. I’m looking for someone I can actually rely on.”

The minute she finished, she wished she could call the words back. His eyebrow ticked above his eye and he’d gone pale.

He looked away from her for a moment and his eyes were haunted when he finally looked back. “I still think you should let me help you. I have some money saved up. I can get you and your sister into a better place.”

And then she would be in his debt. “I think you should leave, Ryan.”

The yelling outside was getting louder. It seemed like the couple down the hall had moved their violent argument into the hallway.