Retribution (Secrets & Lies #3)(32)
I wake up from my sleep, escaping a nightmare of nameless, dark dread. It's not like my normal nightmare, but this time the sense of loss is sharper, more immediate and closer somehow. I'm not sure what it all means though, and as I sit up, panting and sweating, I'm more disturbed than with my normal dreams. With them, once my initial panic wears off, I feel shame and anger with myself. This dream though... I'm not ashamed, but for some reason I'm still afraid.
I get out of bed, shivering slightly as I reach for my heavy sweatshirt. The new furnace may be working, but to save propane we keep the thermostat very low, only just above fifty degrees.
I slide my feet into my slippers and head toward the big room, hoping that a little bit of watching the fire might help calm my nerves. I'm surprised to find Nathan sitting up, his own eyes watching the firelight as he sips at some sort of amber liquid. “Nathan?”
He looks up, giving me a half-smile and setting down his glass. “Hi. Sorry we didn't take a walk tonight. After my little sparring match with Katrina, I just was not feeling up to it.”
“That's okay,” I reassure him, sitting down on the couch next to him and taking his hand. I pick up his glass, shocked when I smell nothing. “I guess I owe you an apology. I thought this was liquor.”
“Nope, just the last of my emergency stash of good tea. Sorry I hid it before, I was saving it for a special occasion. I guess my first loss in a straight-up fight in twenty years is a good enough occasion. I have some more, would you like a glass?” Nathan asks.
I shake my head. “No thanks. So what has you up?”
“Like I said, I lost. That should be enough to make any warrior spend a bit of time in self-reflection, don't you think?” he asks, looking into the fire. “What's got you up? Another nightmare?”
“A different one, but more disturbing. I wish I could remember it, but it just felt more... I dunno,” I say, shivering. “It felt closer, that's all.”
Nathan slides closer and puts his arm around my shoulders, holding me close. It's so nice, feeling his warm body against mine, and I hum happily, leaning against him. “I’m not sure if new bad dreams are a good or bad thing, but I’ll be happy to help you with them either way,” he says, rubbing my arm. “I also owe you a thank you. For watching my match today.”
“I had to. I love you both,” I tell him, looking up into his haunted eyes. “Is that why you're so troubled? That you threw the fight?”
“What do you mean?” Nathan asks, looking down into my face with a small smile. “Why do you think I would throw the fight?”
“I don’t know a thing about fighting and I saw it. I saw you had Katrina helpless, and that one hit could have knocked her out, maybe even killed her,” I say softly. “And I said no.”
“I don't know what you mean,” Nathan says, his eyes shifting.
“Oh come on, you let up,” I repeat, putting my hand on his chest, where I can feel his heart hammering under my fingers. “I bet you've never done that before, not to the point of losing.”
Nathan smirks, acknowledging the truth, and shakes his head. “No, I haven’t. Seems I’m getting soft, and if you want to know the honest truth, that is what's got me up. I can’t be soft right now. If there’s ever been a time to not be soft, it’s now.”
“Why?” I ask, and Nathan takes my hand, looking at me intently, the firelight dancing in his eyes.
“Because I can’t bear the thought of losing you,” he says softly, his face coming closer to mine. I lean in, raising my mouth, and suddenly his lips brush against mine. We freeze for a moment, then our kiss deepens, and for the first time since high school, I'm kissing a man, and it's a man that I care for.
Nathan's hands wrap around my back, pulling me to him, and I move with instincts I don't even know I have, climbing into his lap and straddling him, running my hands through his hair and letting my tongue reach out, seeking entrance and acceptance from him, the man I love. His tongue touches mine and I moan, my body alive with desire and want, desire I've never felt before. “Oh, Nathan... yes...”
Suddenly, underneath me, Nathan freezes, pushing me back carefully but firmly, lifting me off of him. I slide off, confused as Nathan gets up, his face a mask of horror. “Melissa... oh God, I’m so sorry...”
“Sorry for what?” I ask, confused again. “I... I thought you were enjoying yourself.”
“I was… but I can't!” he half-yells, his eyes anguished. “Can't you see that? I'm stained! And how can I promise to protect you and guard you when I can’t even control my own desires?”
I nod, looking down at my hands. I get up, walking toward him, and he backs up, his eyes panicked as I come closer. “Nathan, please,” I beg him softly, reaching out and cupping his cheek. “Please, don't run away. If being pure means not being able to have you, to not be able to be with you, to not be able to love you, then I don't want to be pure. I want to be with you, I want to love you. I want to hear you say you love me, too. Since that night, I've had good dreams too, you know. Dreams where you tell me that you love me, and then, well…”
Nathan stops, frozen, and I take my chance, courage coming from somewhere I didn't even know existed inside me until this second. I kiss him again softly, standing on my tiptoes and then step back, not smiling, but not frowning. “I love you, Nathan Black. And sometime soon, I want us to be together, whatever that means.”