Released (Caged #3)(54)

“Like when you told me…told me about...about being pregnant?”

“Exactly like that.” I could hear the tension in her voice.

“I’m sorry,” I told her. I knew I had said it before, but I had the feeling in some ways, it would never be enough. There weren’t enough sorrys for what I did.

Hearing Erin say it was one thing, but having Tria confirm it had my head spinning to pinpoint times when I had avoided what was going on around me because of my own inability to cope. Avoidance started with Aimee’s death and resulted in turning straight to drugs. Heroin was the obvious and easy escape, but running from Tria on more than one occasion was another. Even telling Tria to think of me as her brother had been a way of avoiding how I was feeling about her early on.

I hid inside of a cage for a good chunk of my life to avoid the reality of what was outside of it. The type of hurt and pain inside the cage was one I knew how to handle, but the emotions I experienced outside the cage were too much.

So what was I supposed to do now?

“I don’t want to do that anymore,” I told Tria, “but I’m not really sure how.”

She tightened her grip on me.

“I’m glad to hear that,” she said. “The hows will come to you. I think it’s probably more important you realize you are doing it right now, and we’ll figure out the other shit as we get there.”

I chuckled softly and hugged her close.

“I love you,” I said.

“Love you, too,” she replied. “I’ll be here for you—whatever you need.”

I snuggled against her some more.

“Do you think…?” I paused again. Why the f*ck was talking so f*cking hard, anyway? “It’s just, Erin thought…f*ck.”

“It’s okay, Liam,” Tria said. “Take your time.”

“There’s some shit I need to do,” I blurted out. “It’s shit that maybe if I had done it back then, I wouldn’t have to do it now, but if I had, I wouldn’t be here with you, so maybe it was okay after all. Or at least for a reason, you know?”

“I haven’t the slightest idea what you’re saying, Liam.”

“Fuck.”

“Just slow down a little and try again,” she suggested.

“I think…” I paused one last time. “I think I want to talk to my mother.”

Tria stared hard at me, and she stuck the tip of her tongue out over her bottom lip. I fought against the desire to lick her lips myself, and then maybe roll her around in the sheets for a while. The timing didn’t seem quite right, though.

“Are you ready to do that?” Tria asked.

“I think so,” I said, but then I thought about it again. “I’m not, really. I think if I wait until I feel ready, it’ll never happen, though.”

“Then I think you should do it,” she agreed. “Did you have some idea when or where?”

“Erin said it would be best to do it in a session,” I said. “I thought that made sense.”

“That does make sense.”

“She was going to call Mom and set it up.”

“Good.” Tria ran her hand through my lengthening hair. I still hadn’t gotten it cut, and it was starting to get shaggy and totally untamable. I just couldn’t justify the eight bucks to get it done—not when I should be saving the money for the doctor’s co-pay.

I rubbed the little bump on Tria’s stomach again.

We had talked so little about the baby. I could only assume that was because I was being an * about the whole thing. Talking about keeping Tria healthy was one thing—I would want to do that regardless—but I hadn’t really talked about the baby at all.

Why not?

Because all I could think about was the shit I bought that was never used for the last one. I had pretty much drained the savings account I had to buy all kinds of shit for a baby who never came. All the stuff that had value ended up at a pawn shop to feed my habit, while the rest ended up in a dumpster.

Tria isn’t Aimee, I reminded myself, and the baby isn’t Matthew.

Talking about it was going to make it all very, very real. The fear of something happening had been real the whole time, but the pending arrival of a child was the furthest thing from my mind. I remembered Tria quickly hiding baby and parenting magazines she had been looking through as I walked into the room, and I felt like a total shit.

I stroked the bump again.

“When is the sonogram?” I asked softly.

“Friday,” Tria responded. “I couldn’t get in except during your work hours, but it’s okay. Chelsea said she could drive me.”

“I’ll go,” I said.

“You don’t have to,” Tria said as her body tensed.

“I want to,” I told her. I turned my head and looked up into her face again. “I want to see our baby.”

Tria practically melted as I watched the tension slip away from her face and shoulders. A tear dripped from the corner of her eye. I reached up and quickly wiped it away.

“You mean that?” she asked.

“I do,” I said. “I want to know if Krazy Katie is right about it being a girl.”

Tria laughed and hugged me tightly. I rolled to my back, taking her with me, and kissed the top of her head. I inhaled deeply to bring the scent of her hair further into my mind. She smelled so good, like she always did, and for some reason, that made me start thinking about how good she was overall. Completely and totally good. Good for me.